Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
Well, the hits just keep on coming. My wonderful husband had a daughter from a previous marriage. I'll just refer to her as "The Snob". Shortly after she was born, his wife left him. Her parents are horribly hoity-toity and never believed that Dave was good enough for their daughter. They did everything in their power to poison her against him. Likewise, they did everything in their power to poison his daughter against him. The Snob grew up in her grandparents house and her mother still lives there to this day. Despite them, Dave did everything in his power to stay in his daughters life. We attended all of her birthday parties and made sure to spend time with her at Christmas. We also invited her to go on vacations with us, although she never did, and took her out to dinner whenever we could. When she got married, I threw myself into her wedding, doing everything I could to help out , and spending an ungodly amount of money on her. She treated us like second-class citizens at her reception and had her father daughter dance with her grandfather. You can't know how that broke my heart. The following Christmas, in 2008, she presented our side of the family with a photo album of her wedding pictures. We have never seen or spoken to her since. She broke off all contact with our entire side of the family and even returned birthday and anniversary checks. I know my husband was heartbroken, but he was stoic about it, as ever. Now, I'm going over his estate. He left a will leaving everything to me , but he had an IRA that he started before we were married. Neither of us ever thought about it. We did a lot of stupid things like that. I mean, you never think you're going to die do you? Sadly, all of us here know that happens . Anyway, I have no idea who is named as beneficiary on that IRA. I found out that his will will not override that. An IRA beneficiary is ironclad. I'm scared to death that he named her as beneficiary and she's going to get that money. I found out just yesterday that she has known about his illness and his death all along. She has made no attempt during this entire long journey to reach out to him in any way. She was always too good for us, but I'm willing to bet she won't be too good for his money! I'm trying very hard to put it behind me and not worry about it . After all, there's not one thing I can do about it. Still, it's like a stone in my gut. I'm praying that he named his mother or brother as beneficiary, but I'm awfully afraid that's not going to be the case. That was our money, my money, and I sure could use it. She and her husband are rich. With the utter misery that I'm in right now, I'm finding myself feeling horribly guilty for worrying about this. It just feels like a slap in the face. Thanks for letting me share.
Is there anyway possible to find out who's the beneficiary? Hopefully it's not her.
If you are not the beneficiary or are, the will say something to the effect that it can or cannot be transferred. They may even ask if you know the whereabouts of so and so.
You also have an option of filing as executor of estate. It won't change the beneficiary, but in that role you can add it to estate and access who recipient is.
This is a lot to handle but usually the filing as executor is easy enough if his will doesn't preclude you.
You may be able to get a temporary death certificate...this is one that will help with getting paperwork started and may be amended later by officials, as long as there are no circumstance that are in question. It cost me $20. per copy after funeral in my state, but they waived the cost of copies I needed more than the first one.
In your last sentence, you mention the feeling of guilt, and this is what caught my attention.
I can tell from what you tell that you've already made an impressive effort to be friendly to the step-daughter and others of your dear husband's extended family. And this accomplishes two things: Clearly they are the ones closing you out, and it lets you know that you were once serious about getting along in this particular situation, only it is not favorable for you . In my personal opinion, you will soon get over feeling guilt as soon as all is settled and closed with your husband's estate.
I'm happy that you are careful to think of what is most important now. And I hope that you don't spend a great deal of money to straighten everything out. Yet to be honest, I would feel the same about the step-daughter receiving an inheritance under the circumstances of her thoughtless ways. Then she really is a victim as well, because she appears to have been very young and raised by troubled adults. Perhaps, if you think of her as an innocent and immature child, it may better help you to accept that she may be entitled to getting a check from your husband's IRA. You may also consider that your husband is at rest with the idea as well. For surely he is in a safer place now and away from this crisis, in which case he would surely want for you to keep your conscience secure and uncluttered as well.
Hoping for your best,
Remiah
And I admire how much you treasure the love of your husband. I feel that he has a good soul too. And he rest in peace for this reason. One day, as she matures, his daughter will think of both of you and it is likely possible that she will desire to seek for you; this is possible with the passing of time. At which course of time your thoughtful counsel and personal forgiveness will be of great value to her and also an inspiration to her. I do believe that the leading voice to bring on her humility will be that of her caring father's. The voice by which he always wanted to comfort her with is now much stronger in full force, in spirit, he still raises her.
Your love with your husband is so sacred. And I thank you for sharing this heartfelt writing. All will be well. You are so good and very strong, Anita. God bless!