Interesting topic, and timely. I'm wondering about this myself. My plan (which is subject to change) is to go with a variation of the good cop/bad cop. I only plan to bring Melissa into it for praise. As in "Your mom would be proud of you! I am too, great job!" I'm afraid the bad cop is my sole role. I hope I don't turn into "The Taskmaster."

I like this topic. I have been through it myself enough times, agree with you it does seem to work. My kids like referring to their dad too quite often and always remember to add comments like "Dad would have been very happy" of course I add his spirit is with us and is happy when you excel and behave well too. My only worry is when the coin is tossed the other way, like when one of them wakes up not too enthusiastic to go to school and starts crying, with the reason that they had a dream of their dad. This used to distress me until i discovered it to be blackmail. So I guess it works both ways, inspiration and blackmail.

My children are all grown...the youngest in their 20's so I don't know what I would do if they were younger. I did realize after the first year that I was trying to be both my husband and I for the children. I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders and it was so hard. I finally (after arguing with them over and over) gave in and said, you know I can't be both of us to you. I wanted them so badly to remember everything that he ever did or said that I kept reminding them of things he had said or done. Then it finally hit me that all I could really do was be me. It was a huge weight off my shoulders and we have started anew and this is working well for us. Of course they still miss their Dad...step Dad for some of them so much...but they have their own memories.

Now if they were younger..., I'm sure it would be so different as you do want them to know as they are growing up how proud of them they would be.

I'm glad you are getting great answers from others who are there with you.

Hugs...
-Diana

It has been only 6 months since Len passed I now find myself taking on the roll of both of us. My son has had a situation with a gal and my husband was able to advise him with what to do now I find myself trying to advise him it is hard because of trying to understand the male point of view. ALso my daughter is in medical school and my husband always knew what to say to comfort her when she is stressed out I just don't always know what to say to help her in her stressed situations I am trying to learn I just don't know what I would do if he passed when they were in school. My prayers to all of you who have young children All I can say is take it 1 step at a time. and ask God for Strength to do the best you can do.

My husband passed on May 4 of this year so school was still in session for a few more weeks. My sons (1st & 3rd grade) returned to school on May 12. We have many behavorial problems with the 3rd grader and some issues with the 1st grader. I found myself saying the exact same thing and wondered too if it would be considered emotional blackmail.

In my humble opinion, I think it would be best to just speak for yourself, otherwise your child/children may come to resent the imposed presence of their dead parent. Chances are that the expectations and high standards have already been internalized; the children have the parent's voice inside them. All you can do from this point on is be their one parent, you can't be both.

Sometimes guilt trips work so well on kids to get them to behave or perform well in school etc. I think it would be a very reassuring comment like "Your dad would be so proud of you" no guilt in that but "Your dad wouldn't have liked that" is filled with guilt. But, your child is a product of both of you. I see no harm in instilling the values of both parents even in the loss of one. It may help keep him alive in their memories and help mold them into good young people you both would be proud of. We need all the help we can get to raise children anymore and he is helping in spirit.
Best wishes to you on this issue..
Linda

CJ -
The kids are both in their 20's - Heath is 20 and Rachel is 26, so I don't have quite the same issues, but I have told Heath many times how proud I am of him and that I know that Daddy is incredibly proud of him too. He's matured and developed such a sense of responsibility and I know Mark is just beaming about it (cuz I know there were many times that he wondered if it would ever happen !!). I can tell that it makes Heath feel good to hear that his Dad would be proud of the strides that he is making in school and at work at the law firm where his Dad worked.
Now Rachel is another story - I've had to flip the coin over and use the "Daddy would be so disappointed" comment a couple of times, as she has gotten herself into some situations that Daddy would not be proud of. I'll admit that I felt kind of guilty when I said it............but it was true, I know that he would be disappointed. It's a tough road that we're traveling.
Hugs to you,
Chris

My son is in his 30's and he and his Dad were very close. They would get in these long discussions that lasted for hours sometimes just about anything and everything. They had the same interests, computers, photography, books, etc. I know he misses him so much. As he has gotten older he is more and more like him in so many ways. Even his wife has said that. Sometimes he'll say something and I'll say, you sound just like your Daddy. He just smiles and I do too. We are both finally able to bring up something funny that happened with his Dad and laugh. We couldn't do that for quite awhile.

I really feel for those of you with young children. I cannot imagine how hard it is. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Take care, Sandra

My daughter (who is not a "great" student) made several comments - one in her speech at her father's service - that she would try to do good in school for him so he would be proud of her. So - for that reason - I think I may bring it up like that with her.

I won't say that to my son's, however, because it won't go over well and may just upset them or make them angry. I've had lots of house problems (floors, ceilings, walls, doors - when people come in I just make the comment like "as you can see there's a lot going on here") and my mother keeps telling me things I need to do - like - ";you have to get the tile for the kitchen today, you have to fix the ceiling, you have to, etc etc etc." I've got lots of work, and doing the best I can and there is just so much I can do at one time.

Then a couple of weeks ago she started with, "you have to do this right away for Pat", or "you have to fix that house to make Pat proud", or "Pat is expecting you to do... etc. etc." I found it extremely annoying and finally said "I don't have to do anything." - and I particularly didn't like her saying I had to get all this work done for my husband. I do believe he is around - but - that still doesn't mean I have to do it for him - he's not living in the house.

So, I'll do my usual yelling, bribing, and anything else that might work (maybe put time limits on a cell phone) - but I'm not going to bring their father into it - at least not with my sons - maybe a little with my daughter. You may want to look at this as on an individual basis and think about how they will respond. Some may respond positively to this others won't - so no one else can really predict what's best for your kids.

I would stay away from the "dad would......" It could unintentionally turn into "I'm letting dad down" in their minds. Praise for what they do good and help with what they find hard is always a good way to help kids with their homework. I agree with loveand grace trying to be someone you're not won't work. They know you and who you are, be yourself. They will remember what dad wants and don't have to be reminded. Sharon

My H killed himself and burnt down our house end of November 2009. My son went back to school 1 week after his dad's death, his decision... Let's just say, what started off as a promising school year went to hell in a hand basket REALLLLL quick! Kids were whispering and pointing, teasing, tormenting and bullying him, teachers didn't or couldn't understand and gave him unsuitable reading assignments that he was supposed to then answer unsuitable questions for. He finally just shut completely down... All I'll say is, I cut the kid a break ... He'll start a new school this year so HOPEFULLY, this year will be better... He won't be know by anyone as the kid whose father burnt down his house and killed himself... Heck, there were apparently rumors that I had killed my H and then set the house on fire to cover it up... Wasn't it nice of everyone to run them by my child to confirm??? Just what he needed!

I told him a couple of times that his father would have been very proud of him, but I refrain from using that in a negative way... While it might be motivating for some, it would be more damaging for my son... He's already avoiding things his dad used to do. If it reminds him of his dad, he wants no part of it...

Here's hoping we all have a better school year!!