Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

3,758 Members

19,465 Posts

0 Online

snowalone 05/26/2016

lately I've been having more moments (usually in the morning upon waking) when I feel i'm going insane with grief. I've been avoiding asking anyone here about it (where already so much pain & despair gets posted) - I just try to find any miscellaneous comments throughout to shed light and find some understanding from those who've likely felt it. Is this feeling just a symptom of a panic attack?

I actually googled for a definition of "insanity" this morning and found the law's definition (which is really where the question arose in the first place):
Insanity. n. mental illness of such a severe nature that a person cannot distinguish fantasy from reality, cannot conduct her/his affairs due to psychosis, or is subject to uncontrollable impulsive behavior.
***************************************
so, legally (and really deep down inside I know) i'm not likely insane; I can "conduct my affairs" and I can "distinguish between fantasy & reality."

On the other hand, where it gets nebulous, where someone suffering from grief perhaps feels like they're going insane (at least where MY lines become blurry): this death of my other half, in itself, has taken the bottom out of my accustomed ways of "conducting my affairs"
(which were with him - BEFORE he died) now I have to relearn how to conduct my affairs - does that count for not knowing how?
And secondly, everyday waking "reality" is so very unreal now to me...waking up to something...I don't know how else to describe it...UN -f---ING unreal to what it was before, does that mean my reality is non-existent?
Is the "conduct of affairs" and the "reality deems real" only in the eyes of the beholder here???!!! (as long as I don't harm myself or anyone else, of course it goes without saying)

legally/ clinically, i'm prolly not "insane", but emotionally, rationally, I could/ feel like I may sometimes be mad as a hatter off and on every other day!

I didn't have too much luck with the last therapist I saw - and though the anti-depressants may have been helpful, I have to go through another crazy therapist to get them. that doesn't hold much allure for me. can anyone offer me any words of crazy wisdom or assurance that "this too shall pass?"

BTW, this seems like a nice benign short article I stumble upon while trying to figure this out on my own:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/am-i-right/201107/grief-feels-youre-going-crazy

lifeisunreal 05/26/2016

I believe they are anxiety / panic attacks.

It is the stark realization moments after you awake that you
are about to face another day without him. You have been
asleep and not thinking consciously to allow your brain to
adjust moment by moment throughout a given day. When
waking, the full weight pain, etc., is there waiting for you
and the process begins anew.

I go through this every morning and it takes me about two
hours to " get my head together ", so to speak. I have to
go through all of the same steps I went through the
previous morning to convince myself I am not losing my
mind. Slowly, very slowly, my mind settles down to the
same routine of getting ready for work, etc.

You are not alone with this experience as I am confident
it is shared by many.

Blessings -

Darrell

tim57 05/26/2016

I am completely on board with all that you wrote. I know some may get tired of reading in my posts this one thing. That is if I weren't a believer I wouldn't be here. My faith is the only thing that has gotten me this far.
I can't look into the future because I can't fathom that without Lyn in it. And it isn't that either one of us didn't accept that one day one or the other would not go home. That's life. But it doesn't make it easier. If and when my uncle passes that's it. That will be all my family and I will be last man standing. So unless the good Lord blesses me with another lady to share this with I'm not sure how I will do this single thing for what time I have left.
So I just don't allow myself to think about what may be in front of me.
I have to not only believe but truly know that God will be with me thru this. I also know that all that we are going thru is temporary. That in the end I will be with God, Linda and my family when my race is over. And when I focus upon knowing that it keeps me from going insane.
For now it is really hard to stay motivated to work, run my errands pay bills take care of my puppies who are totally dependent upon me. I worry if something happened to me there isn't anyone to take care of these guys. One is only a year old. Linda picked her out a couple of months before going home. The other one he is around 12--13 years old. They aren't human beings but they are living creatures and have needs.
Anyway short answer if you are a person of faith hang tight to it. It is a life saver. And know that there are a lot of folks out there going thru what we are.
Please take care.
Peace, Tim

Lisastp 05/26/2016

I think this type of feeling, for me, was really based in denial. I went through that stage for a few months, just simply not believing what my new reality meant after my husband passed away. Then, for a brief time, my brain was really playing tricks on me and telling me "hey, maybe he's still here, but you have gone crazy and nobody can get through to you to tell you he's still here." THAT was when I knew I needed to seek counseling, and did so. During the grief counseling, my wonderful counselor basically explained that the brain, during extreme grief, protects itself from having to take all that information in at once, by sometimes bathing itself in denial for while, so that you can rest from the grief a bit because the brain is fooled for a bit. Long story short, I got through that phase, and in retrospect, my brain was doing everything it could to convince me, for brief moments, that my wonderful husband was not gone. I appreciate those respites now, because now my brain isn't trying to protect me in that way anymore, and I don't get any respite from knowing he's gone.

marjoe 05/26/2016

snowalone - read CS Lewis's "A Grief Observed". Just read it, and you'll see that you're not insane. Although it feels that way, I know it.

But that being said, yeah - I had feelings I had never felt before coming out of the kazoo, and not only that, it would change on a dime. I had nights (that hamster brain 2 a.m. thing) where I would relive my whole life - my married life, my childhood, everything. Ack. Lord knows why, but in looking back, I guess my brain deemed it necessary. I'm like, thanks, but I could have done without it. Just saying.

Part of it was this as well - Joe's cancer went from healthy human to dead in basically four months. During that time, anything we had, our habits, our pet names, the things that you build up over the years - it went by the wayside like it never happened thanks to the cancer hurricane. That's been one of the harshest lessons I've learned - that life can change just like that. And like you said, it was nebulous - it took me a long time to even wrap my head around it. I grasped it, I understood it, but then again I didn't, you know? So, no, you're not insane - you're dealing with a harsh reality in the best way you can. Hugs, Marsha

Shrn 05/26/2016

You're not the first to question your sanity with the loss we've been struggling with. The answer is no, chances are you aren't insane, you are grieving. It seems impossible to accept that this has happened and feeling like it must be a dream and I will wake up to find out it wasn't true. I felt that way often. The important thing is to let the emotions out. Tears release a great amount of stress. Someone here suggested writing down our feelings. That was a great help for me. I wrote about being angry, scared and terribly lonely. As thoughts came to my mind I would write. I simply used a pad and wrote. Many tears stained the pages, but I also began working through the feelings.

You are not alone. Sharon

snowalone 05/26/2016

funny you mention "A Grief Alone", Marsha, I recalled that book after writing the post and had a feeling I should re-read it (cuz any consolation from it the first time around - and indeed I recall there is much there - has evaporated with the rest of "reality"). thank you for your wisdom.

and thank you too, Lisatp, Tim, & Darrell - all of your insights are a light in the dark right now

(Alice the cat is only offering up herself to be scratched!)

snowalone 05/26/2016

thank you, Sharon.

lifeisunreal 05/26/2016

I agree with many things said with comments in this post
but one thing about the future really hit home with me.

As Tim said, I don't think about the future as my wife
Debbie is not in my future. It truly breaks my heart to
even type that statement. How could she not be in my
future ? Maybe I am still in shock somewhat. For 30+
years, I never, never imagined there would be any point
when I would type something like that. It is beyond
unimaginable. I don't dare think about next year or
beyond. To allow it to even enter my mind for a brief
moment causes me to severely cringe.

So I confine my thinking to here and now but do allow
myself some moments to think about the beautiful past
with her. That causes tears but they from remembering
all the good things while thinking about the future would
produce and entirely different type of tears filled with
pain.

Apologies for getting off track.

Blessings to all -

Darrell

patriciapattersongoo 05/27/2016

I feel that way so I know what you mean. I went to see a psychologist on Tuesday , she said I was in bereavement basically means extreme sadness so I'm going to call tomorrow to make my first appointment with a grief counselor. I can't take this and know I need help. And no one in my life understands but I also know sometimes I can't even put into words what I feel like.
I hope things get better for you soon..... For all of you

scottito 05/27/2016

Yeah, this is a painful way to grow as a human being, alrighty. But we do grow because of it. It took me a good 10 months after death before I was able to function again mentally anywhere near what I was able to do before the cancer diagnosis. And for the past two months, my cognitive abilities have been increasing nearly on a daily basis. I'm still on anti-depressants and sleep aids. Am I insane. Well, depends on your perspective. If you have or are surviving the loss of the love your life, you shouldn't view any of this as anything but normal. Because while we are all going through the farthest thing from the rest of the human race's "normal", this abnormality is for us grieving folk, absolutely normal. It just all depends on our perspective -- where are we when we examine our behavior. Trust your instincts -- we have been subjected to the trauma of all traumas, and our minds can only handle so much. So shut down does occur. What we once would consider to be abnormal is now perfectly normal for what we have gone through. It is a survival mechanism that is somehow built into us -- and we just have to let it take its course. And it is only our realization that we have absolutely no control over any of it, that we can just let go, give it to God or whatever works for you, but releasing it and admitting that we are powerless over it. That for me anyway became my turnaround point.

Another huge think I'm noticing is I am seeing everything in a different light. Ever been used as a puppet? Anyone ever play you like a fiddle? Have you ever been able to see who you thought were your friends to be the enemies they really are? And your enemies to really be your friends? Well, I have. And it isn't much fun. But once you can see things for how they really are, the pieces of the puzzle just keep fitting together. I know I'm talking in the abstract, but I speak of a very real situation in my life. And now I have the gift of insight that I never had before. And it is of great help to me. So don't be afraid of letting your grief change you. I know I've come out of this a far better person than I was before. Compassion and love are so real to me now. Yeah. My love gave me a final lesson in love through her death. Insane? No, I don't think any of us are. For we come out of this stronger than before. God bless and comfort all of us ~~~ Scottie

Join the Conversation

Posts You May Be Interested In

As I Get Older....

Posted by: cedarbrooke

Last Reply: JazzyLady 06/28/2026

4
I cannot get a cut and paste to post

Posted by: billwfriend

Last Reply: cedarbrooke 05/20/2026

5

Old Hillbilly Wisdom:Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.Keep skunks, bankers, and politicians at a distance.Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.The best sermons are lived, not preached.If you don't take the time to do it right, you'll find the...

As I Get Older....

I cannot get a cut and paste to post