Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

3,758 Members

19,465 Posts

0 Online

myhunny 03/15/2013

I was deep in thought today, and thought about all the wonderful people that bring such comfort to most that have had a loved one die.
I have now been grieving for about 17 years, when death first touched my life in a big way. Two deaths with a month in between in mine and my families lives. And there have been quite a few more since then.
Now with the most recent deaths of my beloved daughter last year, and my beloved husband this year, i see the very same friends that were there before are here once again to support me.
Then i got to thinking about what some of them say and do, and not trying to sound mean, but the way other people treat the bereaved you would think some of them feel immune to death ever touching their lives too. But it will be inevitable for them as well. They will also lose a partner one day in the near future, unless of course they die at the same time. So they will also be a Widow or Widower, and their grief will be very new to them when that happens, but happen it will because it is the cycle of life.
I just hope i'm here when that happens to them, to give them the support they have shown me when i was newly bereaved, and be a testimony to them that we can survive such a life altering event, and to still have the courage to move on.

rochelle1466 03/15/2013

I think I have said that to a couple of my friends, and I am sure they thought I was mean, I think early on I said 'sooner or later you will be in this same situation and maybe you will understand' and I know they do not know the gravity of the situation but sometimes I felt they minimized the excrutiating pain I was in during that early time......its 16 months later and I do not really talk to those friends anymore, my choice.......but I must say to you that you have experienced so much grief and I know you are reflective a lot of the time! you will be a source of encouragement and you are here

kynessie 03/15/2013

I will be the first to admit that I never understood the gravity of death until my husband passed away two years ago. I truly understand now and I'm a different person when it comes to talking with someone who is dealing with a death of someone close to them. I say things that your average person wouldn't know to say.

Last week, I talked to a friend whose wife is having heart problems and they have been dealing with her illness for months know and she is no better. I was able to share with him my experience of caring for my husband during his illness. He thanked me for understanding because he said that others didn't realize how stressful it is on him to try to keep working, take care of the children, and take care of her as well. He is self employed which makes it harder.

I no longer shy away from talking to someone who is having a difficult time with illness or death any longer. In the past, I was afraid I would say the wrong thing.

Nessie from KY

Shrn 03/15/2013

One of the first realizations that hit me after my husband died was how it CAN happen to me. I looked back at the services I had attended and was ashamed at how I 'paid my respects' and went on with my life.
It took time for me to gain a perspective on my actions, although looking cavelier in hindsight, they were normal. I had to understand, I didn't know. I couldn't know the pain and wasn't guilty of being wrong or mean.
Don't let anger control you, or guilt of the past. We are human and we certainly have stepped up when we realized how death effects each other. Give them the chance to be as naive as we were. Sharon

marjoe 03/15/2013

I agree with all of you. I've gotten to the point where I know it's of no use to try and explain what's it's really like, because it's one of those situations where you have to go through it. I give my friends a pass on this one - because I once was where they are now. I've had three friends lose children in the past 4 years. 48, 24 and 17 years old. I can't pretend to even imagine what they have gone through. But we talk, a lot, openly. And I listen. At least I've learned to do that very simple thing. Truth is, we live outside that bubble now, myhunny.

nowjustme 03/15/2013

I never understood death either, I just went to funerals as a child and went on. I never gave it much though, I just figured they went on. How Dumb! I guess I thought they were all so strong.
I am sorry for your loss, it never does get easy. I know I am still having a very hard time after 18 months. I just never though it would happen to me,
Hugs,
JoAnn

deleted_user 03/15/2013

I think my presense brings home the fact that widow(er)hood is inevitable. My wife and I were together for so long most people don't know me without her, so seeing me immediately reminds them she is gone.

myhunny 03/15/2013

Thankyou to all of you for your responses to what i wrote. I realise that my friends mean only to be supportive, and yes, we do forgive them for some of their comments, because how could they ever realise the magnitude of what the loss of someone near and dear to them could really mean. And nor would i want anyone else to experience that, but i know they will eventually, and hope to be of help to them because they helped me too.
And God forbid they should lose a child, because that just rips your heart out.
I remember when my son was killed by a drunk driver and my best friend said "well at least you had him for 23 years". And i understood that she didn't understand, how could she unless she had been through that too.
So i think in light of that, we seek out new friends that understand our immense pain and sorrow, because they are on the same path as we are, and get it.
I never ever thought i would lose a child, let alone two of my beloved children, but it happens.

Join the Conversation