Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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silverfoxwife 05/11/2013

My husband's anniversary is next Wednesday. I plan to take a day off to be home with him/urn and with my girls families, to spend our day quietly reflecting. Well, my daughters in-laws are here. The older daughter's in-laws were very sweet, came to pay full respect to my husband in their traditional custom. I almost cried. I managed to keep the tears away. My second daughter's in-law was here to enjoy the new baby and off she went home

My own in-laws want to know what I am going to do for his anniversary. I told my nice 2nd brother in-law that my husband is his parents' son, why don't they do something nice for him for once. I had already invited their family over for a family dinner on the day of the dead in our culture. I was resentful for my MIL because she always said mean things to us. But today I found out that my FIL also has animosity towards my husband about him not taking care of their 3rd son. Here goes the story: My husband gave his brother a job for many years in the same company that my husband was in charged. Long story short, the company was closing his division so my husband told his brother to look for another job quickly. My husband's job was also in jeopardy. His brother didn't listen and got laid off. The in-laws told my husband he had no conscience because he let his brother down. My husband had no control of that situation. He didn't own the company. I was so disappointed to find this out now it stirs up my anger towards them. I just want to be let alone with my children and cut off tide with them. The only link is my nice 2nd brother-in-law to that family. Just venting. Sigh...

We took out equity from our home to start a business to take a chance but did not include his brother

deleted_user 05/11/2013

We also celebrate Dia de los Muertos ~
I understand what you're talking about ~
Sadly, It's a culure thing ~
You can cut your INLs out of your life, you don't have to wish for it ~
You can still maintain ties w/your BIL, if you want ~
At the same time you don't have to bother w/the others ~
As widows, we get to cut people out of our live if we want to ~
It'll work out ~
Been there, done that & couldn't be happier ~

The most important thing to remember is ~
Happiness consists of surrounding yourself with people you love & who love you in turn ~
A teeth grinder for me was my MIL or FIL or anyone, for that matter, talking ugly about my husband ~
Whatever issue they had w/him they should've kept it to themself ~
All you can do now is try to cope w/your anger ~
Just be careful not to internalize anger it turns into depression ~
Now that they're all gone, no problemo ~

Via con Dios, Amiga ~

silverfoxwife 05/15/2013

I took up the courage to deny my in-laws coming to my house to visit my husband today. One, I had to remind them, I already did a dinner for the whole family several weeks before. Two, they are still ungrateful that my husband took care of his brother. Three my father-in-law wanted their family pictures from the childhood back after years of display in my home for them to see. Four, I took his urn on Mother's day to my daughter's home so they could visit him, but they didn't notice the urn was there until they were ready to leave and I pointed it out to them.

I feel guilty for not letting them come over. They could have done something to celebrate his life too but didn't.

deleted_user 05/15/2013

Good for you! Happy dance, you're on the road to taking care of yourself!

Please don't feel guilty about not allowing them to visit ~
Because they certainly don't feel guilty about their shameful behavior~
Es una autencia verguenza! Pinche cabrones!

deleted_user 05/15/2013

The photos can be scanned and copied. Give them a set and tell them exactly how you feel. You need to do this for you. You are not responsible for your BIL's lack of employment and neither was your husband. You have enough on your plate right now.

drew4lostluv 05/15/2013

It's your choice. I resent a lot of people but they say forgiveness is grand. I haven't really tried that myself either and I am not ready to. Maybe in time you can but for right now let them have your resentment

Shrn 05/16/2013

Guilt has no part in this equation. You can hold your head up high with the knowledge you honored your husband in the way YOU chose. That's the right path to health. Sharon

michaelbmanning 05/16/2013

For all those with in-law issues, I am sorry you have to go through it. I have not seen or heard from Mike's mom or grandmother since the funeral and have a child they have never seen. I say it is their loss. I have sent emails and called. No answer. I leave it at that after over two years.

Maggie

silverfoxwife 05/17/2013

Hi Michaelbm, I just don't understand why someone would not want to see their grand child. You are right, it is their loss. In my case, my in-law did not like my girls just because they are girls. My husband would still tried to keep the relationship going just because they were his parents. I am so glad my husband is nothing like his parents who are cold and selfish towards us. My husband once said, if they weren't (especially his mom) his parents, he would have nothing to do with them.

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