Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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missingubb 09/11/2017

This pain that we feel and the emptiness, the questions, the what ifs, the longing and loneliness....sometimes I wonder how a person can possibly endure all these and not physically shatter from the torture of it all. It's been 10 months since my husband died but sometimes I close my eyes and pretend he was just away at work and will come home soon. I know I'm fooling myself, torturing myself even...but I would imagine him opening the door and for a split second I have a glimpse of who I was before I lost him. That's the only time I can almost feel "normal".

The price I pay for that few seconds of impossible daydream is of course unbearable pain once reality inserts itself back again. But since my husband died, I feel like I am a stranger even to myself and that I have to get to know myself again. So I sometimes let myself daydream that he is still with me because I am trying to remember who I was before. But I know that the person I was is gone because I cannot be that person again without my husband. I don't know if I am making any sense at all but my husband's death changed me. I see things differently now, priorities change, things that matter so much before seem trivial now. But I still don't know who I am now without my husband.

I hope I can survive this daily pain long enough to reach that point where the memories bring comfort instead of pain. I wish the day will come when I can think about my husband with joy because of the time we did have together instead of regret and agony because of the years we were denied.

NoOneKnows 09/11/2017

missingubb, It will be 3 months for me on the 16th. I understand what you are saying. I dont really daydream per se but I think about my husband all day. I dont sleep well anymore, its on and off, on and off. But for the few moments that I sleep that is when my mind is at peace. However, soon as I wake up it is the same thing. Like you said that pain comes back. Things changed for me too. Things I would have cared about or wanted to do I dont care about anymore. Things I took pride in-same thing. I am just a shell. I know I existed before him but even then I knew I wanted to be married. I waited a long time to find my husband. I was only married a little over 5 years. But he was my life. I dont know who I am either with out him. I want it to get better but I dont know if I believe it will. Thinking of you.

Zammit 09/11/2017

Hugs missingubb and nooneknows

NoOneKnows 09/11/2017

Hugs Zammit.

beth2017 09/11/2017

I feel the same way. My husband passed 8/24, and we were married for 33 years. Sending hugs your way!

Kimberlina 09/11/2017

Missingubb, I too feel like a shell. It has been 7 months since my husband Jim died of a sudden heart attack. We were married just short of 3o years together 35. I just kind of go thru the motions of the day trying to figure out what God has planned for me next. I have pictures all over the house and even in the coffee cabinet. I Talk to my husband on a daily basis. The memories are bitter sweet sometimes I cry some times I smile. I Pray everynight for him to be in my dreams just so I can see him. I hope someday your memories can bring you comfort. Take care--Kim

Msbklyn 09/11/2017

I'm coming up on the 2 year anniversary on 9/30 and sometimes it feels like forever since I've seen him but other times I think " are you really gone". I'm the same person but not who I was with him. Yes we aren't that person we were with them. It just isn't the same.

lindonn 09/11/2017

My husband has been gone less than a month. I look back at the trivial things that used to be so important, but now mean nothing. I will never be the same person, nor do I want to be. I watched this disease, Parkinson's Disease, take my husband little by little over the years. When he suffered, I suffered. He fought so hard for many years, and was able to manage it pretty well. Then he got cancer and that took too much out of him. He fought that too, but it took it's toll. We had so few really good years together, but those years bring me a lot of happiness to remember. He was so loving and caring. I wish he would come to me in my dreams, but so far he hasn't. No, I will never be the same, because God has showed me what is really important. Love....we must love...and not let the things of everyday life let us forget or take for granted. I miss my husband so much it hurts.

missingubb 09/12/2017

Thank you so much for your responses...I pray that we all find that strength to "carry on", whatever that entails. All of your words help me feel less alone in this daily struggle. Only those who have lost their love can really empathize. I think we are blessed and cursed at the same time. Blessed to have found love and cursed because that person we love so much has been taken away. I send you all my hugs and sincerest wish - that someday we find joy again, be it with the memories of our loved ones or by simply living again.

Cavewifelost 09/12/2017

missingubb, my husband's been gone for 2 1/2 months. I know exactly what you're feeling. I do have to say though that you're taking a very thoughtful and intelligent approach to your future. You're right. In many ways, the person that you were doesn't exist anymore. The loss of our spouses has changed us all, and the task at hand is to discover how to move forward and who we will become. I was with my husband for 24 years, 24 very happy years I might add. I was quite comfortable and happy with who I was, but that woman is gone now. Trying to discover and mold a new me is not something that I want or am taking pleasure in, but it's the only way forward. I have to make new friends, find new interests, and get to know me all over again. The new me is built one brick at a time, and that's what I have to keep reminding myself of. This isn't a sprint, but a marathon. I too look forward to the day when I can look back on my memories of him and feel pleasure instead of pain and loss. I'm not there yet, but I'm trying. I still stumble a lot but I'm becoming more sure-footed every day. I've even passed through a couple of days now where I didn't cry. Today isn't one of them but it's still progress. Take care of you. <3

vwidow 09/12/2017

Licking my tears. I value more now what is eternal--- people and God's word.

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