Patricia, I have been reading these posts for going on 3 months, and I have read many where the surviving spouse is going through the "woulda-shoulda-coulda's", and I have certainly gone through my share of them...if only I could have done something different, might Marylou still be with me today? If not, if I had been a better husband would her Spirit feel more secure about my love for her?
We who are left behind have no shortage of things to blame ourselves for or to feel guilty about...I heard about this in the Marine Corps, where guys who survive combat spend the rest of their lives suffering the "survivor's guilt"...for the simple fact that they survived, and nothing more.
As I read these posts and got to understand it better, it kind of reminded me of the movie "Body Heat" from 1981...where the spoiled little rich-bitch manipulated the lawyer she was having an affair with, to murder her rich husband so that she could get his money (and so the lawyer could take the fall)...that kind of stuff happens all the time, and it is those people who truly have something to feel guilty about...although those kind of people rarely do.
The surviving spouses of loving marriages who I read on these posts every day, have nothing to feel guilty about.

I know you are hard on yourself, but don't be. We can't change the time or date of when God takes our loved ones. My story is opposite yours. I kept my husband alive for two years and the last 6 months were really really bad. He shouldn't have had to go through the cancer treatments, the hospitals, pt, meds, the lack of body controls etc. My husband begged me to get his gun many many times. He was dying, I knew it and he knew it and to keep him alive was wrong. He didn't want chemo anymore but i talked him into it saying there is still a chance. So I am hard on myself too but in a different way. Hugs Arlene

It is what it is Patricia. You can't second guess yourself....well you can but you shouldn't. There's nothing more you could have done. Your daughter was the best person that could have been there and she tried but it was just his time. His body was done.
I think we all go through this at some point to fit whatever situation we found ourselves in. We all blame ourselves one way or another. Believe me.....it's happened to me too. But I just tell myself that I did the best that I could have....I know that in my heart. And then you have to let it go....
Don't beat yourself up over those thoughts. When they creep into your mind try and change the channel. Eventually it will get easier to refocus. I used to dwell on that last day....those last minutes.....but it really gets you no where to keep doing that to yourself.
And guess what Patricia....if only you would have....it most likely would have turned out with the same results.
Love and strength to you....focus on the love that you shared.....those are the thoughts to remember.
Darcie

A little after 8 months now, I still have somewhat of a furious
battle going on in my head from time to time between " should haves, what ifs, etc., " and common sense. The battle comes
and goes and mainly surfaces when I am exposed to given
triggers associated with her passing.

I " should have " stayed home from work that day. But how was
I to know ? I " should have " called her at home much sooner
than I did but how was I to know ? My brain is bruised and
aching from attacks of the " should haves ".

Maybe a part of it is what eighty8 has mentioned. I am still here
and she is gone. Maybe it is a heavy dose of survivor's guilt that should not exist. Perhaps the occasional raging battle in my brain
is fueled by the simple concrete fact that she is not returning and
that does not change with the rising and setting of the sun each
day. Perhaps it is because I cannot change the fact that she is gone and I want to blame someone even if it is not justified.

I have many questions but I'll never receive the answers I am seeking. At least during what remains of my life on this planet.

I can only gradually try to learn to cope with it with the belief I
shall see her again.

Blessings to all -

Darrell

I learned very early on if I was going to survive this, the one thing I would need to do is walk away from any self imposed guilt I may have and not drive myself crazy over things that I had no and have no control over.
I had to fight really hard with staying focused upon what Lyn would want me to do and that she has already gone thru the worse she ever will have to deal with. She is in paradise and waiting for my race to end in it's on time. We just can't stop things we don't know about.
Please take care of you. I know your husband would want that more than anything else.
Peace, TIm

You sound exactly like me. I go through that constantly. All of the guilt. Thinking that maybe I could have saved him. Maybe I could have done something if I was with him. Maybe I should have kept him on the phone a little longer. I should have done this and I should have done that. I can't seem to realize that I'm not God and I couldn't have saved him. :( I took care of him for years and years. I kept him alive on dialysis. But I couldn't do a thing when God called him home. It kills me every single day. Hugs for you sweetie. I feel your pain completely.

I go through the 'if only's' on a daily basis...both where my husband and my son are concerned. My husband passed a little over a year ago from liver disease and cancer, which he didn't even know he had until being admitted for the liver disease...if only we had gone to the doctor earlier, if only I had taken him to a better hospital, if only...
Over the Easter weekend this year, my 20 year old son passed away suddenly, and unexpectedly. If only I had tried harder with the CPR, if only I had seen something, anything, that would have alerted me to the problem (there were no symptoms)...it's fruitless to keep saying that over and over, and yet, we can't seem to help it.

Reading these accounts is just so heart wrenching; so much love "lost" (?), so much sorrow...absolutely overwhelming taken all together, and we here are just the tip of the iceberg of the sorrow on this sad planet.

It seems there is no good way to lose the love of your life - your soul mate. For every one who witnessed it there's another who would give 5 years of their remaining life to hold their loved one close and tell them they were loved. It seems every which way holds it's own dismal array.

Surely we need to focus on the love we had, still have, and will always have, or this will just tear us up. What else can we do? It honors no one, alive or dead, to regret.

I thank you for all sharing. (I hate you all too now, as I sob & wipe away MORE tears that I didn't think I had left in me!!!)
snowalone (nanne)

My daughter and ai have in the 5 yrs since Ken's passing have done so many "What If's or If Only "
We had known this done that asked more questions and have decided it only drives us crazy BUT we learn if we are ever in this situation again what we will do and ask.
Be kind to yourself

Many of us have gone through the woulda,coulda. There is ABSOLUTELY nothing you couldve done to change what happened. My husband was killed in a horrific accident, and I was in the house when it happened on the back of our property, if I had only gone to check on him sooner, been able to lift the truck off of him etc.. the list goes on and on. Really, there is nothing you couldve done, that wouldve saved him, and unfortunately, it will take time to discover that. Seek a good grief support group, there will be others who have the same doubt etc... I went through three grief share groups and it help me immensely. Much love and gentle hugs carla