Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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loveddogs 08/02/2015

Why him, why not me? He was such a loving, devoted son, husband, father and grandpa. I still hurt so much missing everything about him. He was too good to be taken. And I am left to pick up the pieces. Will he truly be waiting for me? Does he see the struggle I am having? There are so many nasty people walking this earth, but they live on. My daughter is worried I am suffering "complicated grief" She wants her mom back, she wants her daughter's grandma back. Yet after our on line chat I haven't heard from her in 4 days. My son is back from Florida, that is a good thing. I missed him terribly. My other son is moving to Colorado In September. Oh the worry. It was hard enough having him 90 Miles away and now this. I want to move forward but I don't know how???? Back to not sleeping again. Too damn hot to be outside, everything is falling apart and no one understands. I have so much to catch up on, but absolutely no energy. I cry at the dumbest things. And the hurt seems to get deeper as I miss him more each day. I just want to be numb. I want to sleep and wake up when this misery is over. I am so jealous of him being with all those loved ones that passed before him. I cannot erase 40 years of love and just move on. So how can I be any different than I am being. He "WAS" my life, he came before all others. Just rambling I know. Just so so lost.

hgsdms 08/02/2015

I don't have any answers for you Michele, but wanted to send you a nice warm AZ hug. Darlene

bookdragon 08/02/2015

No, you can't erase those 40 years and you wouldn't want to. Those ups and downs. The ups are not very high but the downs are so low. Think about seeing a grief counsellor. It is good to talk these things over with a non judgemental person who is there to listen to you and maybe give you some tips on getting through this. It has not been very long since your husband died, so be kind to yourself and don't think you should be feeling any better or worse then you are right now. Grief is very personal it is your journey, your daughter has her own grief journey. You can be there for each other, but I think losing a spouse is something only another widow (er) can get. Big hug-Patti

matoacalady 08/02/2015

Michele, I have felt and said all of the things you mentioned....over and over. There is no answer and I am coming to understanding that fact.

I started grief therapy twice a week and medication that is working for me. I am able to almost function. You are so new in your grief, but if you can find a good group or private therapist I think it would help you....I was drowning in my grief and was diagnosed with complicated grief.
I still cry, not with the intensity or duration as before, more like soft tears. I can think of him now without completely falling apart. I knew I had to have help to get thru this, intense help, so I reached out and found a wonderful therapist.
I feel so badly for you and this unrelenting pain. But for me, I can actually have a good day between the bad.
Love and Hugs
Jen

billswifeval 08/02/2015

I so understand how you feel, I'm so sorry!

JesusisOurSaviour 08/02/2015

Dear Michelle,
So many questions and no answers....Hopefully time will tell, I know for me time is helping.
Sometimes we can be our own worst enemies,
Especially if we try and be the same person, before we lost our Beloveds....We are not that same person!...you are in my thoughts,
Love and hugs.....Sandra

wendimac 08/02/2015

I know how you feel Michele...my husband was by no means perfect...he had a lot of issues...but he loved us, and didn't deserve to die at 59, nor did he deserve to suffer the way he did. I am far from perfect myself, and have wondered if this is some kind of punishment for some of the things I did earlier in my life...or for my apathetic attitude in recent years toward life, toward almost everything...maybe I wasn't a good enough wife, maybe I wasn't a good enough person. Maybe this is the fruit. I don't know...I don't think any of us will ever find the answer until it is our time to go. I just hope and pray that things get easier for all of us, somehow...I know the feeling of being 'lost'...kind of like getting confused in a forest or something, and not being able to find the way out no matter what...only a million x worse...

Shrn 08/02/2015

Oh, Michele, I think all of us have felt like you describe. It's one of the questions that has no answer or one that we each find our own answer or not ever know. My husband and I were members of a motorcycle group of middle aged people who had grown children. We enjoyed a very special bond together traveling near and far. He passed in the month of June and I would see couples riding and would be absolutely devastated that this was stolen from us. Maybe it was jealousy, but it felt so unfair. We had saved for the future and for what? I felt there was no future. That's part of losing your love one.

I wish you didn't have to know about this. I wish we none had to go through this nightmare. But it happens to everyone who lives just like the good times. Life has it's seasons and we do survive. Sharon

rosie3435 08/02/2015

I am so in that same boat...I hope it will get better but I always ask myself why him and not me...He was my soulmate the one true love in my life I can't even imagine what my future will be without him in it...Yet I don't want to know..I cry everyday and hurt...It does help when I am with other people but after it all there is a point that I must return to my alone time that is when the pain becomes unbearable...I agree that there is no answer but for some reason I keep looking for one...One day at a time is all I can do for now...

pj1952 08/02/2015

Michele, Trust me, there is no way you are suffering "complicated grief". I believe that you are in the very early stages of grief. I'm no therapist (Duh!), but I'm pretty sure that starting my 4th year in September pretty much makes me a poster child for what complicated grief is. Don't put a time frame on what you need to do because other people aren't educated or they are uncomfortable. Take it slow and surrender to letting this horrible thing called grief take it's course. hugs from pj

shaneslove 08/03/2015

I have so many of the same questions and feelings! I think that Shane would have been strong enough to carry on without me... but I know that I am not strong enough to carry on without him. I will keep you in my thoughts... and I wish I could provide some answers but there seem to be none. (hug)

AfterMom 08/03/2015

I really struggle with the "why did it have to be him instead of me" .
it is so painful being left here. my husband was the capable one & I know he could have carried on and provided for himself.
I don't know how to do this. I always thought, and even used to say it to him, if one of us has to go first, please don't let me be left here alone..

lmj90 08/03/2015

I am so sorry for your pain and questions. Every day I ask myself alot of the same questions you are asking. I know that if I would have went first he would have been able to support himself and our household, not just financially but repairs, and daily living. I am like you a lot of the time. No energy, I cry over everything. Its county fair season here and that was a big time for our family. It was hell for me. My older sons struggle silently and my younger son tries hard to hide it but because we are in the same house I try to pick up on his changes. I hate being alone, I hate life without him. as you said there are so many mean horrible people in the world why didn't he get a second chance. Hang in there We will help eachother (HUGS))

Nicker07 08/03/2015

I hear many posts on I wish I would have went before him as he was the stronger.

I do not mean to downplay a widowers loss but I do feel its harder on widows because like for me I always let him do fixing the car, fixing the broken door, mending the fence (although I held boards), broken pipes etc. But emotionally I think men are just as lost in other ways. Physical not so much...just saying

WE survive even when things get tough. We survive as we truly have no choice sometimes with help to show us out of the darkness but we survive to go forward even if its just ok.
I have to remind myself it will work out or at least I pray all will mostly when those things I can not do myself happen (heah with 5 acre farm that's a lot but I find I can do a lot more than I thought)
SO MORAL OF MY STORY IS believe in yourself and the fact our spouses would want us to be happy and ok. Cry and scream when you need to God knows when we need to but being left here behind we do need to believe we are stronger even if it takes some time through the grief. I come here to vent and get support to remind me of that often so THANKS

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