Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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Death & Dying
/ Widows & Widowers Support Group

I need to vent.

Rosepa
Rosepa
Today is my mother's birthday. We have never been close, but there is no real problem between us. My sister who lives out of town came to visit her and wanted to have a celebration for her so I made food for lunch and took it over to her home and we invited a couple of her friends to join us for lunch.
When I got there she said "What are you here for?" I said "I brought your birthday lunch". She then asked "Have you found a boyfriend yet?"
I couldn't believe she said that. It is the farthest thing from my mind.
I told her I did not think that remark was the least bit appropriate. I said "My husband has only been gone 7 months, I already cried once today and I had to drive past the cemetery to get here."
Thanks for listening. Feel better having gotten this out.
deleted_user
deleted_user
People can be just so cruel and thoughtless. My husband had died about 6 weeks and I had a "friend" say to me "you need to get your head out of your butt, start acting like a mature woman and stop feeling sorry for yourself" and then she added that my grieving made her feel bad and uncomfortable! Those words have stung.....I just don't know what gets into people. Our society doesn't deal with death and grieving...they want us to get better on their time schedule. Just don't get it sometimes....
Sadfire
Sadfire
I'm so sorry for what you went through. I do understand how that felt and please know that it doesn't matter what others say, what matters is what YOU feel. Everything thing should only take place on your time. Thank you for sharing, were here for you .
Community Leadermarjoe
marjoe
Forgive me, Rose, but I couldn't see the segue between "I brought your birthday lunch" to "have you found a boyfriend yet?". This boggles my wee mind. And we think we're the non-normal ones? Ha. Good on you for responding as you did. At one point in the future, you'll find this fodder for tormenting back, as in, "yeah, the 20 year old boy toy is stashed in the car". I'm teasing - but you know what I mean. Vent away!! Marsha
Community LeaderShrn
Shrn
I really don't know what to say about this. Just know the problem is their's not you. What happened to kindness? Could it be dementia? Sharon
Katexyz123
Katexyz123
Maybe your mother just wants you to have someone to take care of you. I don't think our parents realize how women can do things on their own. Times have changed. I really don't think your mother meant to upset you. she probably just didn't realize how it sounded. I was having lunch with a friend & said how I needed to find a job. Her response was, "why, I thought you'd be set for life" I was shocked, but didn't say anything. Why do people think that when your spouse dies you have money??? I like to think, that maybe she just didn't realize how that sounded, sort of like your mother's comment.
handg
handg
Wow! Vent away!
Rosepa
Rosepa
Thanks to everyone who responded to this. With the help of you I have managed to get past it.
michaelbmanning
michaelbmanning
As always, very good, Marsha on your comment. Just because people are family, it does not mean we have to be close. Just because there is some unwritten rule that says we should love these people, it does not mean we have to like them.

Maggie
onebrokenheart
onebrokenheart
Death seems to bring out the worst and the best in people. I have had people do incredibly nice things for me and I have had "friends" dump me. Some people have said just the right words just when I needed it. Particularly here on DS. I have had some be incredibly insensitive and even cruel, including family members. All I can say is that I have learned how to be more supportive and kind to others thru all that I have experienced.
Mgould
Mgould
My mother is the sweetest woman in the world who would not hurt a fly. But one day she called me about 6 months or so after my husband died and said, "you have GOT to get a husband" - to which I told her I wasn't interested - at all.

At first I was upset, but then - not. My mother hates to see me hurt or not having a "good" life. She seemed to think another husband would make everything fine again.
Sammantha71
Sammantha71
All I can say mothers are mothers. Sometimes they can be a royal pain. When my husband died last year one of my friends told me to take a week or two to heal then go and find yourself a man. I told her I was with him for 9 years and I do not have it in me to look for another relationship and if you don't like that then there is the door. To this day a relationship is the last thing on my mind. To all of those who think we should get into another relationship they have no idea what it is like to loose the love of your life.
brokenbowl
brokenbowl
Right on Sammantha.
chipstears
chipstears
Oh yeah. the things that come out of some peoples mouths just about send me over the top. needless to say those are the ones I no longer have anything to do with. Prayers to you. God Bless