You know what your husband would have wanted, and you know what you "needed" to do. Do not let people's opinions make you more anxious than you already are. Most do not understand your pain and confusion, and they will all have opinions on how "you should be handling everything"...
You will find many discussions here about peoples comments, their lack of understanding, and the stupid things they may say. Until they walk in our shoes, they dont get it...
A fellow DS member posted awhile ago, tell your friends you feel "F.I.N.E.", "F.I.N.E." stands for "F***ed-up, Insecure, Neurotic, and Exhausted." I use it for all occasions....(thx cliffskat)
I have had the same issue in finding a non-religous based forum or group. I turn to my friends here at DS..... Keep looking though, personal contact and sharing is good, try looking into the social services offered by your state or local governments. You may also find a group sponsored by local psycologists.
take care...

you don't have to explain anything to anyone. People are just sorry that you lost your spouse. Its that simple. There are places connected to grieving support groups connected with the funeral home, hospitals. I think Vanderbilt has those connections, contact them. I live the other side of Jackson, in the bible belt also. I went to one connected with the hospital in Jackson. ONCE. I found they wanted me to move too fast. So, I did it all on this site. I am proud to say, after 3 years, I think I have a handle on all this. Good Luck to you.... Sandee in west TN..

Hello Oldordie. Nope, I think what you did with your husband's ashes was perfect. Really perfect! And everyone else's opinion? Who cares. We do what we believe is best and what you did was best!

Your story is tragic on other levels than some of us. That is horrible, terrible what the hotel chain did. Your friends are sorry for your loss, that you lost your partner. That you lost your love. I think people don't know what to say, and that's what they say. But it's true, because they are very sorry for you left alone in this situation.

And lastly, living in the Bible Belt with no support base. I've recently started to go to a Unitarian fellowship that is totally non-denominational...meaning they accept anyone, even agnostics or atheists. Or Christians. Or Jews. Or Muslims. Or Buddhists. Could you search for a Unitarian-Universalist fellowship in your area?

Also, hospice conducts grief support groups in my area, altho my husband died suddenly and did not have hospice. Whether or not they are faith-based is unclear to me, but their groups are not hosted by a certain church or faith. Hospice should include everyone in their groups, whether or not you used their services.

Hope the above helps.

Hi OldOrdie, You are welcome here. First, no you are not morbid. Sounds to me like a most fitting way to honor your husband. Second, as to your response to "I'm sorry for your loss", try to look at it from the perspective of whoever says that to you. Odds are very high they have no clue what you have been through or know anything of your background. Normally, it is just another person's way of trying to sympathize and reach out. But hey, you are grieving and as we like to say here, there is no right or wrong way to grieve. But you might want to think about whether you are speaking your mind to a person you either do or don't want in your life.

Just so you know, I am an ordained Christian pastor. It was a rude awakening for me once I stepped out of my church bubble, but I've come to realize that not everyone believes the same way I do. And your coming to that same realization is important from your perspective. I grew up in the Bible belt, so I know exactly what you are talking about (unlike all the "heathen" here in the Northwest). My town is to small to have any support groups. You should get a lot of good suggestions from others here -- meetup is one I see frequently discussed.

Please do not take offense, but I am truly sorry for your loss. We understand what you are going through here. ~~ Scottie

Hello, and welcome to the group we all wish we didn't belong to. The comment about being sorry for your loss was actually preferable for me than the other inane things people said, like, "He's in a better place," or "It's part of God's plan," or "God neeed him more..." etc. Those types of comments always irked me, and I am a believer, but that didn't help me in my relationship with God, who I happened to be very angry with at the time for taking my husband and the father of my children.

Check with the funeral home and also with your local hospice. They should be able to help you find an appropriate group.

There were none in my area that I could get to, so I had individual counseling through my work's Employee Assistance Program for free and spent a lot of time here at DS. I am an old-timer here, and have stayed on to help others - I am one of the Community Leaders here appointed by Daily Strength to help our group. That's why there is a "CL" badge on my avatar.

Another thing that might help you would be to pick up a copy of "Seven Choices-Finding Daylight After Loss Shatters Your World" by Elizabeth Harper Neeld. That book I found to be like a gentle guide for working through the loss. Neeld is a professional writer who lost her husband suddenly. The book is very well-researched and very well-written, and not as cold and clinical as some of the shrink authored books I tried, nor is it faith-based, so you should not have the same issues with it. Your public library may have it as it's been out awhile now, and it is available on Amazon and for the Kindle reader. I would check your library first, for that and other books that might be helpful.

I hope this helps. Welcome.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

To me the "Sorry for your loss" would be sympathy. I just said it to you in another post . For me saying it means I'm sorry you have to go through this incredibly hard part of life I personally experienced.
Your not morbid at all its perfect for you and your husband. You should see the looks I get when I tell people I have my Ken's cremains so when I die the kids can mix us together then do what they want with us. I'm sure the think its gross and morbid but that is what we want. You do for YOU not others.
We are non denominational here come as often ax you want or need. Ask at your funeral home or hospice for groups

Oldordie - I think the way you sent your husband's ashes off was fantastic. I know my mixing some of Joe's ashes in a bottle of Jack Daniels before putting them in the ocean probably raised a few eyebrows, but screw 'em.

As far as the reaction or response to "I'm sorry", I agree with the others' sage advice. For me, in the beginning, anything anyone said rubbed me the wrong way. I see it differently now, many years later. A simple "I'm sorry" says more than just those two words. Oddly, I struggle with the same thing now that I have seen so many others IRL lose their spouses.

I'm not in the Bible belt, but, truthfully, I found a one on one therapist extremely helpful in the short run. And I came here, of course, where I could vent to my heart's content and no one (almost) thought I had lost it. Hugs, Marsha

I can imagine it being a horrific experience, when we basically expect the 911 lifeline to be up at all times.

I was thinking what a sendoff! How many people can claim they are literally part of the fireworks? I understand most people are more sentimental and like to keep some of the ashes, but to each his own...

"I'm sorry for your loss." is just another version of "How are you?", I suppose.

I think you're angry and you have a perfect right to feel that way. When we lose our partner in life and love as well as all our plans. I was angry too. I felt that it was terribly unfair. Right now is time to concentrate on you and know that we go through those same feelings. You can talk here. Sharon

Old, Im sorry your husband passed away, and in such a horrific manner. I can say I live in the bible belt, no fun to say the least. I am a christian, and go to church but I have friends of all faiths, or non faiths. Best thing to do is google non faith groups. There may even be on on this website, he general website. People mean well, and eventhough most who say they are sorry, have not ever had their spouse die, guess it comes from naivity, and ignorance, not intentional ill will. Much love and big hugs carla

Not morbid at all! I think it's awesome that you gave him an explosive send off.

People don't understand. But they can't. And thats ok.

I'm sorry for your loss. If I heard that one time on the phone I had it a million times. It's become clich like have a good day. Which I had someone tell me that after I had explained my wife had just passed I was trying to straighten things out. People just simply speak without thinking. When I had my wife's funeral everything was according to her wishes. That's all that mattered. Everyone has to deal with this in their own way. My wife was Catholic and even though I'm Christian I'm non-denominational. Simply means not connected to organized religion. We both respected everyone's free will to make their own choice and in these times everyone has to make their own choice.
My wife passed in August and I can't explain just how much help the folks here has been during this time. Even though we are strangers we are unseen friends and very supportive. I have started looking at this as the new frontier. My wife has finished her race and now even though it is scary I have to see mine thru somehow. But it is the hardest thing I have ever had to face bar none.
As far as someone saying sorry for my loss. Not just my loss but the world's also. My wife was a remarkable woman and still is.
Peace, Tim