Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
Hello all,
I've not started a topic in a few weeks. i thought i'd give an 'update' on how i'm doing, since lately, im doing pretty good ; Its been a busy, "freeing", interesting month+ for me since i got back from visiting my parents over the xmas holiday.
when I came back, i was still in a pit of despair..I was pretty miserable, as one might expect; just this past week is now the 3rd month mark since my wifes passing. its amazing..It seems like yesterday..and it seems like forever, all at the same time..
I went to see my doctor, and was prescribed anti-depressants. Never had those before, so wasn't sure what to expect, but after 4 weeks, i am happy to say, my lows, are no longer the pits of despair..sure, i still get sad sometimes, but its become bearable and i'm able to pull myself out of it now.
i also decided to see a counselor. After a few days of some rather nasty lows when i was only a few days into my antidepressants, i thought it would be a good idea..
"nowjustme" posted a great article earlier, and it was timely in my opinion. I'd made my appointment with a counselor after sitting up one night, telling myself over and over that i did not want to be sad forever..that i was not doing myself, or the memory of my wife any good sitting in my bed crying all night long, and i said to myself, i am going to try and be happy, as much as possible, everyday..Again, i still have sad moments, but after talking to my counselor a couple of times now, she's helped me gain some clarity.
i had not been able to remember "good times", my brain had been stuck in the last 7 years of caring for my wife, day in and day out..i literally could not think of a time when we were not going to the hospital/spending days at the hospital, going to dialysis, going for surgeries for her..
I talked to the counselor, and she asked alot of questions..over a couple sessions, she made me realize that we had LOTS of good times..I was always trying to do things for her in between all of these doctor visits. I was always bringing her out to dinner/movies..anything and everything i could do for her when i was not at work to make her life more comfortable. But my brain had not realized THOSE WERE GOOD TIMES..the day to day things we do for each other to make each other happy..I had not even thought about them as what they were...the counselor made me realize those little gestures we do for each other..the love notes, gifts..every day interactions..thats our memories and good times. I felt so blind to not see this..i had been feeling so guilty, for no good reason..
i have been trying so hard, much like that article says, to change my focus. I realized now, her passing was not my fault, even though i felt a ton of guilt for that as well ; i had saved her once 7 years ago, how could i not this time..the answer is, i was at work..it was not my fault..I am starting to remember now, other good memories of our time together and when i get sad, i am able too now more often that not, start to replace those thoughts with your a good image / good memory.
I've also met a widow online ; she is not (at least yet) a member of the DS site, but does read it sometimes ;She had noticed my blog where i write to my wife / express how i'm feeling and contacted me to share that she understood what i was going through, having lost her husband just 2 months earlier than i lost my wife. We have emailed each other and chatted/texted now for several weeks. I have been smiling alot more lately, and feeling generally good after our conversations. She is special, and very important too me. I know, i am just at 3 months past my wifes passing, and some might think "how can you be happy yet? how can you have these conversations and feel good?"
Dont get me wrong..I still get sad over what has happened..she does too of course. we have both lost a spouse. There is no just getting over this type of thing, and like you all, We have both been dealing with this horrible loss in our lives. She is a great support for me, and i try to be the same for her. And now i feel that if you can take it day by day, hopefully each day makes you stronger. Each day lets you move forward, and try to get back to a normal life and happiness. I think we are good for each other even though it scares her. It scares me too, but in a good way, if that makes any sense..I hope..actually..*that* is it.. it sums things up nicely about how i feel lately..
I HOPE
That is my update..I want to thank everyone up here for all of the support i've received. I'm still around and hope i can provide any support for others that need it.
-Dennis
I've not started a topic in a few weeks. i thought i'd give an 'update' on how i'm doing, since lately, im doing pretty good ; Its been a busy, "freeing", interesting month+ for me since i got back from visiting my parents over the xmas holiday.
when I came back, i was still in a pit of despair..I was pretty miserable, as one might expect; just this past week is now the 3rd month mark since my wifes passing. its amazing..It seems like yesterday..and it seems like forever, all at the same time..
I went to see my doctor, and was prescribed anti-depressants. Never had those before, so wasn't sure what to expect, but after 4 weeks, i am happy to say, my lows, are no longer the pits of despair..sure, i still get sad sometimes, but its become bearable and i'm able to pull myself out of it now.
i also decided to see a counselor. After a few days of some rather nasty lows when i was only a few days into my antidepressants, i thought it would be a good idea..
"nowjustme" posted a great article earlier, and it was timely in my opinion. I'd made my appointment with a counselor after sitting up one night, telling myself over and over that i did not want to be sad forever..that i was not doing myself, or the memory of my wife any good sitting in my bed crying all night long, and i said to myself, i am going to try and be happy, as much as possible, everyday..Again, i still have sad moments, but after talking to my counselor a couple of times now, she's helped me gain some clarity.
i had not been able to remember "good times", my brain had been stuck in the last 7 years of caring for my wife, day in and day out..i literally could not think of a time when we were not going to the hospital/spending days at the hospital, going to dialysis, going for surgeries for her..
I talked to the counselor, and she asked alot of questions..over a couple sessions, she made me realize that we had LOTS of good times..I was always trying to do things for her in between all of these doctor visits. I was always bringing her out to dinner/movies..anything and everything i could do for her when i was not at work to make her life more comfortable. But my brain had not realized THOSE WERE GOOD TIMES..the day to day things we do for each other to make each other happy..I had not even thought about them as what they were...the counselor made me realize those little gestures we do for each other..the love notes, gifts..every day interactions..thats our memories and good times. I felt so blind to not see this..i had been feeling so guilty, for no good reason..
i have been trying so hard, much like that article says, to change my focus. I realized now, her passing was not my fault, even though i felt a ton of guilt for that as well ; i had saved her once 7 years ago, how could i not this time..the answer is, i was at work..it was not my fault..I am starting to remember now, other good memories of our time together and when i get sad, i am able too now more often that not, start to replace those thoughts with your a good image / good memory.
I've also met a widow online ; she is not (at least yet) a member of the DS site, but does read it sometimes ;She had noticed my blog where i write to my wife / express how i'm feeling and contacted me to share that she understood what i was going through, having lost her husband just 2 months earlier than i lost my wife. We have emailed each other and chatted/texted now for several weeks. I have been smiling alot more lately, and feeling generally good after our conversations. She is special, and very important too me. I know, i am just at 3 months past my wifes passing, and some might think "how can you be happy yet? how can you have these conversations and feel good?"
Dont get me wrong..I still get sad over what has happened..she does too of course. we have both lost a spouse. There is no just getting over this type of thing, and like you all, We have both been dealing with this horrible loss in our lives. She is a great support for me, and i try to be the same for her. And now i feel that if you can take it day by day, hopefully each day makes you stronger. Each day lets you move forward, and try to get back to a normal life and happiness. I think we are good for each other even though it scares her. It scares me too, but in a good way, if that makes any sense..I hope..actually..*that* is it.. it sums things up nicely about how i feel lately..
I HOPE
That is my update..I want to thank everyone up here for all of the support i've received. I'm still around and hope i can provide any support for others that need it.
-Dennis
Val
Doye
I remember leaving his house one night and began crying with guilt because I had a good time and that felt wrong. It is part of grieving, but NOT wrong. Sharon