Sorry for your loss.
I know what you mean, I wish I could feel like myself again too.
been 5 months for me.
As you read on the forum here, you will find that you are not alone in anything you feel.

Ava, I'm so sorry for your loss.
At 4 months you're still in a fog, a deep grief. It takes time, so much time, before you start to feel like yourself again.
You can't rush it. You have to take your time and grieve.
We all understand, and we're here to try to help. You are not alone on this journey.

Hugs,
Janie

My sincere condolences for your recent loss. You've come to a wonderful site where the members here do get it. We really do! It's unfortunate that you are here; yet glad you found us. A "hot mess"? Not to make fun of that, but yes, we widowers can consider ourselves hot messes at times, I know I do. It's not a badge I prefer to wear, but there it is. Trying to find peace in all the wrong ways? Hmm . . . I'm sure we all have our stories as well on that one. (Mostly un-shared). Please don't beat yourself up and know that you are experiencing normal grief cycles. Jeez, at almost 17 months, I still find myself unmotivated about every three or four days . . this after total non-motivation days on end!! Progress and not perfection, my friend. Take it easy on self, be gentle, without too many expectations. You will survive this . . . no pressure, time-wise. Just know that you will. For now, one day at a time . . . sometimes one moment of grief at a time. We are walking this journey with you . . . you are not alone. Please know you can come here anytime to vent, rant, rave, cry . . . or share a positive moment. We are listening and with you all the way. Hugs, Dayna

I am sorry for your loss. We all are struggling here with our grief, sorrow, mourning. Glad to hear you started back to church. I wouldn't be able to make it without my Jesus. God bless you. ~ Scott

Please do not beat yourself up as you are normal in how you are feeling at this time.

As has been said here you will go through steps to find the new normal you. And I am so sorry its tough right now. We are all here for you and understand. HUG

I just passed the four month mark myself! This is undeniably the worst pain I have ever gone through. I told a friend I only cry when I think of him, and I think of him all the time. I too am searching for the "new normal". This is not me! Here's to better days ahead. Hugs and Love to you, Michele

What you are experiencing is perfectly normal, don't beat yourself up. I have gone through similar uncharacteristic ways of trying to fill the void left, knowing in my heart that I am only fooling myself.
I approach my second anniversary on this horrible journey and I still have to give myself permission to move forward.

You have to take small steps through this, the fog will begin to clear and you'll see light again. I am not promising all will be 'better', just different. It's that new life that takes time to adjust to, but it will get easier.

Take care and hugs.

Thank you all i am encouraged by your love. I know i am not alone and i know it will take time, i am going to try not to beat my self up and continue to take baby steps. We are taking this journey together glad to be apart of this group in this time in my life. Have a wonderful Saturday ya'll!

Ava, what you are feeling right now is what all of us have experienced since losing a loved one. Just a year ago today I sold our house and moved to be closer to my family. But as I'm typing this I still feel so empty and I miss him so much. When you have been married all those years like you & myself (38yrs) those are years that are seared into our souls & I really don't think we can let them go or don't want to.

You just have to grieve and see what happens because there is not time limits because death does change everything. I wish the best and we are all here for each other in our time of needs.

Take care

I'm also so sorry for your loss. I know it isn't fair. But it is what it is we can't change it but we all would if we could I know. We were married for 40 years and it's been almost 3 years since Donna passed.
It seems like yesterday. I still cry. I have bad days and good. I just want you to know this is "normal" whatever normal is. Read NDE books. Read medium books if you are so inclined. I did. It seemed to help me understand. I'm not advocating anything just do what you need to to help to get through and help understand.
Love, Jeff