I don't think about my husband every day, but at this time of year, I do. We were married 25 years before he died in 2017. We had many good Christmases together, especially when my parents were still alive, and we would spend several days with them. I no longer have any family after my husband died, no siblings, no children, so I feel very much abandoned. When we got married, I really believed we'd spend the rest of our lives together, and it never occurred to me that each Christmas might be our last. Now I feel very sad, that maybe I should have appreciated our time together more, because December 20 is my 65th birthday. I'm getting old and I don't want to be old. I'm in a personal care home. I rarely get to go out. I'm not disabled but there's no transportation except to go to doctor's appointments. There's no heat in my room right now and the administrator hasn't been in for a week. I miss cuddling with my husband and our cats and I'll never get to have times like that again. I've taken to ordering some meals out from a good restaurant and having them delivered, because the food here isn't very good. That helps a little. A little something for me to enjoy. I've also taken up yoga again, which I used to do in my own apartment. I got a TV, a DVD player, and some of the yoga DVDs I used to have. I read yoga helps anxiety and depression, both of which I have, and even helps the depression with grief. I'm grieving alot of things, not just the loss of my husband, but losing my beautiful apartment and furniture, all my possessions, and especially my car, which represented freedom to go whereever I chose. I drove for 30 years, but now that I'm on Social Security, it's doubtful I'll ever have another car. This is not my hometown. My husband and I moved here in 1992 when we got married. It's a long way from my hometown, which is getting hit with COVID worse than this area. I miss my hometown where I grew up. I had friends there, and visited the state parks with my husband. I miss our vacations at the New Jersey beach. I always thought I'd get to travel in my older years, but that's not going to happen, between COVID, no one to travel with, and no transportation. I have no life now, nothing to look forward to when I get out of bed in the morning. There are nicer retirement communities, but I can't afford them. There are apartments, but I'd be alone there and I'd have to get furniture and cookware, and to think I had an whole apartment full of that stuff. Except for virtual friends online and my therapist, I don't get to socialize with anybody. There was a time when I thought that would change, but I'm at the point of losing hope. I wish my future looked brighter, but I can't see it happening.