Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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jenniferalves 08/31/2015

One the hardest parts of all this bedsides missing him every day is learning who I now am. We were a team, we were lovers, we were connected to each other in ways that I can't even describe in words. I knew who I was, where I was going, what I wanted, and I was happy. Now each day is a struggle to move, to go to work. I'm pretending . I'm pretending to care about work, to care about my home, and I have no idea where to start. I thought learning to live again was going to be the purpose of life after Danny but in reality it's the realization that who I was is gone and I have no idea who I am, and to be honest at this point I don't care. I found out today that a good friend of mine is going to lose her husband to cancer within the next few weeks. She is asking me for advice and it's hard because I have to re-live those first few days when he died. I want to be there for her and I will but between all of us here it will be so hard. She needs me and I know what she is about to face. 4 months and counting.

dschwartz 08/31/2015

Breathe . . first of all, this journey is about "you". Sorry to say, but you are so fresh in your own grief, it will be difficult to carry your friend through hers. :( I know, I know . . you are most likely a sensitive soul that wants to help others to your own detriment. In this case, please be kind to self and put yourself first. Remember, you are a grieving widow. (She is not yet) Find your support group . . either here, or a group that meets in your area. If you are soundly grounded . . you will be in a better position to help your friend. Beyond this . . you will be better equipped to deal with your own grief. This is not an easy journey . . . I hate to say it, but should be a very selfish journey. Please take care of you first, then tend to your friend if/when you can. Hugs, Dayna

gailarmstrong 08/31/2015

Well said Dayna. I was thinking the same thing. Even after 18 months I still need lot's of support myself.I don't know how I'd go trying to support a new widow. Jennifer please take care of yourself. I know you will be there for your friend, and you will understand what she is going through but as you know, she has to make this journey alone as we all have.That sounds awful I know but it is what it is. We're all up shit creek without a paddle but we all survive in the end. Gail xx

slimbear 08/31/2015

If you feel up to it--you could tell her to look at this website. But it is quite OK to let her know that you're still suffering too much yourself to help her very much.

bookdragon 08/31/2015

I agree with everything said here. It is a solo journey. you need to be handling your own grief before you can help someone else with theirs. I know i am in no way able to help anyone deal with a loved ones final illness, Larry's is too fresh in my memory. At the same time you can be there for your friend, let her know that you care, Hugs Patti

deleted_user 08/31/2015

Jennifer, just like we're all helping each other is exactly how you can help your friend. Be THERE for each other. As you know, there's not much we can do for each other other then hold each other's hand [cyberly.]

We give each other courage with the power of our words but that's about it.

Honestly, I lack the stamina and fortitude these days to do much else. I sometimes feel like the life is being drained out of me each and every day that I grieve. I replenish the energy with sleep and time with my children but once I start thinking of Morey and the sadness of my loss, I'm drained again!

I wish you the strength to endure the grieving process for yourself and if there's anything left over share it with loved one's, friends and us.

Roz

Shrn 08/31/2015

Since my husband died at home, a very close friend asked me if I would stay with her mother til the end. I had to refuse. I was nowhere ready to relive that. Give yourself permission to do what you can with your friend and say no when you can't. Sharon

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