4 months harder for me too, and others expressed that also.
Im 8 months now and I feel like the numbness is finally wearing off and its dawning on me that this really is my lonely life without my love. I found myself crying this morning for the first time in a long time.
In the beginning I was crying for him, but now Im feeling sad for myself!
Hang in there, gc-- everyone says it will get better, and we are all in it together.

4 months was tough for me too. And like kkg, after about 12 months I cried for me. I had never cried much in my life but I have made up for it! Learning to live alone and make my own decisions is the hardest
Rachel

OMG I am at almost 5 months and I feel the same way.

Oh yuck, I remember this. I'm so sorry for your loss and all the pain you are experiencing. ((()))
In the beginning I was kinda amazed by my serene accepting thoughts. I took as a sign that I was deep, evolved, capable of seeing the big picture. NOT.
Then it got worse, as I realized it was not just some horribly plotted play I was in, or nightmare that would end, but this CRAP was my actual life. If you could call enduring day after day, a life. I hated that so much. Hellish, that's how it felt.
I am resourceful and I couldn't believe that I couldn't figure my way out of it, or that my husband hadn't found a way to come back. I kept thinking everything would be OK if he would just smarten up and STOP with this being dead BS.
It's so hard to be surrounded by people with no clue, who expect you to be over it, or by people who genuinely care, but NEED you to move forward for their own peace of mind so they can stop worrying about you.
It does get better, but it gets worse too, and then you go back and forth, good days mixed with days where you'd have to cheer up considerably just to be rated acutely depressed.
I made the assumption in the beginning that there were these stages you read about and you pass through them on your journey, and sometimes people try to identify what phase you're in, but it's not quite like that. It was an emotional rollercoaster, not a linear path and this observation is my experience only, your mileage may vary.

But I am confident to say that, we all understand, there isn't a thought or emotion, however dark or painful that we won't be able to relate to, and besides getting it, we care about our fellow travellers, because this experience can't be survived nearly as well all on our own. I found it very comforting to come here and be with people who just get it in every way, and those further along who come to tell you there is a light ahead, which you desperately want to hear, even if you can't actually imagine it.
I am much better now, getting better at letting myself grieve however I need to and not care about making my pain easier for others. I mention my husband all the time, and I can say things like "Before my husband died..." matter of factly and I don't care any more that when I say he died people sometimes react like I just said Lord Voldemort aloud.
Be really kind to yourself, find comfort in any nondestructive way you can, and be assured it will get better, eventually. Take good care, Sue

I can't really measure 'how hard' it is, just by the months.
Too many extra physical and family horrors on top of grief.
6 1/2 months, I'm worse than ever. crying more.
Not coping.
Reality is sinking in deep.
HOPEFULLY, your good family situation will help you to more easily reach better adjustment!
I too wish for this being a stage that will pass.
Can't predict that from other peoples' experience. Every grief and mourner is unique.
I am not good at this.

its only going to be 2months for me next wednesday. that I lost my husband and my dad a day apart. I had all kinds of distractions paperwork. getting house ready for sale. My moms grief as well as my own. i think I will feel the way you do 2 more months from now. I'm going to try to have pleasant distractions and my help from the group and doing stuff I love to do try to make it through the new life we had thrusted on us. Journaling is helping me to to be pissed off and vent there. hugs, Donna

This will pass, I assure you, just like any previous phases. You will find that grieving is a roller coaster....ups and downs. But that is normal. if there are no downs, there would be no ups. Downs are for ups. Hugs, tiger

I totally understand how you think you are doing better, then bam, you are right back at the bottom scratching your way back up! Sometimes little waves, sometimes huge waves and sometimes a full blown Tsunami. All we can do is ride those stinking waves. It sure doesn't seem like we get any warning either. I have noticed they don't come as often. We just have to hang in there even when we don't think we can. We all hear that time will help. Wouldn't it be nice if we could just fast forward to a more peaceful time? I do believe that the pain that comes with grieving is the price we pay for loving so unconditionally. Hang in there dear friend, you are not alone. We will all be here for you! Hugs and Love, Michele

Gretchen. I'm sure this is all part of the grieving process. No one ever said that it would be a straight uphill path. But I guess we also never expect the deep trenches that we sometimes fall into. I'm at 4 months and I feel that I'm going in the right direction albeit very slowly and barely upward. However, I do fear down the road another level of reality will hit me in this loss and the thought of the long cold winter coming. Being outdoors and sun makes me thrive. That's waining and I'm worried that being indoors more will slap me again with the emptiness that our home is now compared to last year at this time. In my mind when I'm at work, I'm planning a lot of chores that need done but when I get home I just want to sit and do nothing. Then I feel guilty for being lazy. We need to keep listening to the folks here that are farther along in this process for their infinite wisdom. They know. They have been there. I really don't know how I would have handled this awful journey without all of you. I look to the new people and realize where I was and try to offer comfort. Then I look to the people who have been here much longer and I hope to follow there lead and heed their advice on this crappy ride that we unfortunately all got a ticket to. You're doing a great job Gretchen. Keep doing what you're doing.
Love to you and stay strong!
Darcie

At 32 months here. I have been crying all day long. No triggers, just so sad.....

Gretchen,

At four months I began seeing a counselor because I was exactly where you are now and was so afraid that my life would stay that way.

He assured me it would not, and now, at eight months, I can also assure you your life will not always be as it is now. The bad news is there may be times when it's worse. Then it will get better. worse again. Better again. That's the roller coaster of grief.

The good news is that eventually the better times say longer as you get stronger. I know that from the loving folks here who have made it through this hard journey.

We'll all make it, but it does take time. Just walk through one day at a time.

Linda

I too felt the way you do... I still have those days .They say it always gets worse before it gets better, kind of like before storm. I wont say it's necessarily a stage, but it's part of the healing process, healing in respect to not being a cure, but some of those pains, will heal some, and others reopened, but then one day, you wake up, and say, ok I know my husband would want me to start living again.. I know with all the love letters from my sweet sean, that he wanted me to worry less, laugh more, and have some fun along the way. He told me he was put on this earth to be my angel, and he certainly has become my guiding spirit, thats for sure. Just let your body, mind, and spirit help you. You just as mysel,f will be ok. Our loved ones would only want us to remember them as they were when they laughed, smiled, and to always remember them...I know I will never forgot my one and only true love, but he will always be with me, and now I must go on, and I know your sweet husband, wants the best for you too, given your own time of healing... big hugs and blessings carla

I am at 6 months and I feel exactly the way you do now. Like I've finally woken up and realized he is really truly gone forever. I thought I was doing so good and my family commented on how well I was dealing with everything but I don't think I was really dealing with it. Now I am and it is so hard. I feel for you and your loss. Hopefully this difficult time will pass for both of us. Grief is such a strange thing, everyone is so different. I'm really happy to have found this group.