There is so much more involved in loosing a spouse than just the death of that person. With them dies your identity as a husband/wife. You loose the future you had planned together. For many, you loose family and friends as well.

Basically, you are left with a blank slate and have to figure out how to start over...... 10 mths isn't a long time to start over.

I wish I could help you..... but all I can really say is that it will get better, but the sense of loss will never completely go away. It's just somethign you learn to live with.

As a fellow type A, I can relate to what you've said. But...as a widow 4.8 years out, it's your last sentence that's the truth. It's out of our control, and it's a hard lesson to learn. It threw my pre-conceived notions out the effing window. When I tried to push grief away, hide it away, it came back to bite me in the ass. Some recover earlier than others. Maybe you're one of them - but the fact that you're here says that you're questioning that. I'm sorry if I'm coming off as a hard ass - Marsha

Marsha, you are not a hard ass. we think alike. i totally get your response!

I am at 15 months - I too have always been able to be resilient and get things done, check lists crossed off and gotten "on" with much adversity and set backs. I think I am doing well most of the time. For me, the key is to keep busy - I have always been really active and inertia makes me plummet into depression. However, there are moments of sadness, waves that come and then leave. I don't stay there, I just feel the feeling, shed the tears, wipe off my face and move on to the next right thing set before me. Its a process of healing...so while we can control some of our reactions, we cannot ignore the sadness when it comes... and that's okay - its just the price of having loved.

my husband always took great pride in being able to tell people that I was a totally competent person, not woman but person. There are days now that I think he must be wondering what happened to the woman he married. I was always self sufficient and independent in our marriage and out of it....but now...I have a hard time recognizing myself. It will be one year on April 23rd and I am getting better, most days much better and I have times of being the old me but other times it is just lie the beginning.

" i did not have it easy. and i moved on, charged ahead, found a way."

Your words struck a chord... calling to mind something that happened years ago when I lost a child. In working through that grief, I learned that "generally speaking" men and women handle grief a little differently. Men try to solve issues... But this, my friend, doesn't have a solution. It has a process.

Please be kind and patient with yourself. In time you will no longer be controlled by the grief and emotions that you feel today.

Blessings and peace to you.

I share your feelings.

I don't want to be here either..... no choice......I agree with all ya'll

My hope is in My Lord Jesus Christ, because every tear that falls He catches (Psalm 56:8) and remembers them. Those who are widowed (grieving) are in the tenderest of His care (James 1:27).

The Lord truly does provide very well for mine and my children's needs. We have a lovely home, paid bills, food in the fridge, nice clothes to wear, and a safe car to drive. Still, missing the male lead in our home has been a terrible pain raising 3 sons. Missing being the first (second only to God) person of a man's affection and desires is also a deep need I long to be filled.

It's like when we finally accept we won't be a pro-ball player, fashion model, or CEO of the company we work for; we have to let go of that dream and accept what we are....a widow/widower.

I think because as a couple you always had another one to bounce off everything....even when you did not talk about something knowing that person was there daily it was like you had that support.

Doing it alone...it sucks and it is out of our control so you do what ya gotta do to put one foot in front of the other.
At 2 1/2 yrs+ there still are days I just get so frustrated and lonely about whatever....little things to big decisions....I hate it but what can ya do - Try to smile more than frown or cry.....HUGS

Loosing a spouse to death is a Broken Heart, not a Broken Mind and broken hearts take much longer to heal. This mourning is a journey and unfortunately it is one day, one step at a time. That is not say it is easy - it absolutely is not because half of us is gone and everything about our lives has changed and we had no say in this and probably no preparation,or did we understand what this would entail.

It will hurt less as time moves you along, but we will still miss our spouses.

I will be on this journey six years this summer. I have forged ahead to have a life now, but there are times I think about how different it is than what I had planned. That was an important lesson learned. The control I depended on vanished. I live more in the moment now.

The naivety that "this" won't happen to me has also vanished. It did happen to me.

I am of strong faith and believed innocently that it would carry me through grief. It did, but not without struggles and pain of loss and not without fear of tomorrow, and not without more anger than I could have anticipated.

All of these struggles came with a valuable lesson wrapped in tears and pain. I look back at my marriage and realize how blessed I am to have spent 40 years married to my sweetheart. I look at my life now and know it's been a struggle, but I live each day with gratitude and appreciation on so much that I never saw before. Sharon

On my drive home from work this evening, I listened to the song If I Didnt Have You, by Thompson Square and promptly thought thats a bunch of crap! The chorus goes something like this:
This life would kill me If I didn't have you
I couldn't live without you baby
I wouldn't want to
If you didn't love me so much
I'd never make it through
'Cause this life would kill me
If I Didnt Have You
Those are pretty words, but theyre almost an insult to those of us who are struggling to learn to live with the loss of the one person in this world that meant the most to us. The truth is, even though we dont want to be part of this changed life that has been forced upon us, we dont have much choice.
My strong, loving husband was my reason for being. Even more so during the 5 years we battled cancer. Before his illness, I charged through life crossing one goal after another off our list. We were self-sufficient! Our life was filled with love, purpose, happiness, and meaning. We knew where we were heading (or thought we did) and we had plans on how to get there. Ours was a second marriage for both of us and we were secure in the knowledge that we shared a special love.
As the cancer spread and it became apparent that we were probably not going to win the battle to save my husbands life, my drive shifted into a higher gear of determination. I refused to give up!! We had done everything right; we were going to the number one rated cancer treatment center in the US; we were living healthier; we were dedicated this couldnt happen to us and there had to be a way to win this battle! But eventually, I had to give up and admit that I didnt have control over our life. It was a humbling and heartbreaking admission. During the last three months of my husbands life, I gave into the fear that I had barely been holding at bay for over five years. When he died, I wanted to die, too.
The love of my life passed away 21 months ago. My heart still rebels, but logically I know its true. That other life we had together is gone. No amount of crying, pretending, wishing, waiting, begging, cursing, or bargaining has brought him back to me - or taken me to him. It took me about 1 years to surrender I wont get him back and I must wait to see him again. That is not to say that I accept it, because I never will. But I do have to learn to live in this life that I have now. I am shaping a life for myself. Its not what I always thought it would be, but it can be good again (maybe even happy again someday).
Its been hard, but when I look back I can see that Ive made progress. I still have moments when losing my husband feels surreal like it just cant be true - and I give in to the sorrow that engulfs me. But the crying and the heart-stabbing, chest-aching sadness doesnt hit as hard or last as long now. It was hard work to get to this point, but I did it one breath, one step, one day at a time knowing (from those on this site that were further along) that the only way through this grief, is through it.
I will always miss the man that loved me more than anyone ever has or ever will. And I will love him throughout infinity.

i am so sorry for your loss and pain. i too have had a lot of adversary in my life...a lot of losses...but nothing NOTHING has ever hurt as badly or thrown me so off balance, as losing my husband. I never would have believed i was a screamer! but, sometimes that's all that i could do...

be gentle with yourself. you really are NOT that far in time from your loss.

I wish you strength and peace
k

I am at 2 months this Friday. I am okay the first hour in the morning and the hour before I go to bed. The rest of the time is bad. I had just retired a month before he died, so no work to go to. Not in any shape to look. Coming to this site has helped. I hope you the best. Brenda