Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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obtain 04/25/2013

I have been trying to fix myself and I can't ( 3 1/2 months). I thought if I joined the grief support it would be healing. I didn't go this week because I always cry and the other people are so strong. I looked for a part time job to supplement my SS and really messed up a couple of interviews. I worked for the same company for 17 years and retired in October when the company closed. Ron died in January. I am not used to being home with no obligations. I thought if I prayed enough I would gain strength that way. I have always been the strong one in my family, there has been a lot of tragedy. I thought if I started mowing, weed eating , spraying roundup on the farm, starting a garden, that I would keep busy and I would be better. I thought being with the grandkids would make me more normal. I haven't been able to go out in public except for essential trips (groceries, bank, church and bad job interviews). I can keep it together around family most of the time because they want me back to normal. The company I had worked for is having a reunion for former employees tomorrow night. I want to go but am just scared. I haven't been out to eat at all. This is not me! I cry at the most unexpected times. I have read here that there will be back slides but guess I didn't realize how bad it would be. Thanks for listening to me. The tears have quit now. Tomorrow is another day. Brenda

dl1959 04/25/2013

I can relate I'm at a little 2 months since Roby passed. My problem is I guess I haven't dealt with the anger of losing him. I don't cry around anyone but I have no patience. I really shouldn't be around people, I tried doing to much to soon and had panic attacks.
I don't know how long to expect this to continue but accept for going to work 3 days a week I'm staying at home till I can handle being around people.
I have a great support group and for the most part they haven't expected me to be any special way, I just haven't dealt with things I guess. Got a ways to go.

Good Luck and give yourself time.

lostheloveofmylife 04/25/2013

It has only been a short time. Everyone one told me at that time is to be kind to your self. Your not weak just cause u cry . They say it helps to cry and cry. I did do all of crying just not so much anymore at least not around anyone. God loves us and we just have to put one foot in front of the other. I am so sorry for your loss. Lots of hugs and love, Jaime

deleted_user 04/25/2013

It's been about 2 1/2 months for me. I can almost always hold it together in front of people (had lots of practice, I worked as a woman construction manager in a world of men....they'd have eaten me alive, if I shed tear one). What I can't control is crying at home, especially in the morning. I wake from sleep thinking Ritchie is still here, and then I realize he's not.

The others are right, you're not weak, just.....grieving.

sandeestttn 04/25/2013

I think it would be good for you if yoou got to reunion. at 11 weeks here, I am going to go where my hubby worked since 1985. My grandkids are going to be in Parade there. I know I will see a lot of his co-workers.

It has helped me to mow, weedea, plant. I guess I have nervous energy. meanwhile, the yard is looking great....lol....I haven't been able to get it taken care of in the 2 years he was paralysed. what a mess.

I don't have patience, and have started to studder when talking to people, but I don't talk to anyone, day-in, day-out. I need to get out more. I don't talk verbally. My brain seems like it is trying to say something, but my mouth messes it up. I have always worked around people, never had that problem before.

mel40 04/25/2013

I hope that tomorrow is a better day. I've discovered that I can't predict good days or hard days. But you can take care of you. Glad you are doing something good for you. I love yard work and have really enjoyed it this last month. My yard also looks really good. Just wait and see what tomorrow brings. Then you can decide if you want to go. Hugs to you

deleted_user 04/25/2013

Don't be too hard on yourself. Seriously. I lost it at work the other day with my boss. I just never know when the grief will hit. Something just triggers it, and that something can be anything.
I eat take-out when I'm alone. I actually go out more because there is nothing at home. It doesn't take me long to clean up the house because it's just me.
Tomorrow IS another chance to move forward. HUGS.

deleted_user 04/25/2013

last week i could't attend a wedding that i planned on going to. when it came time i wen't numb, just couldn't .at first i didn't understand why - i was so mad at myself. it's grief. every day is different ....
if tomorrow is a good day for you - then go, what a huge step.
if not the right day - don't beat yourself up as i did - do something that makes you smile ... take care of you

deleted_user 04/25/2013

At 3 1/2 months this is all still very new to you--you aren't back sliding, you are still coping and learning to live with a very new grief. Everything you describe seems to me to be very normal. You are so right, you aren't the same as you were, and that's ok. Grief changes us and we find ourselves not acting at all the way we have grown used to. Take baby steps and be kind to yourself. Crying is ok, being afraid is ok, whatever it takes to get through this crazy journey is ok as long as you are making even a little progress (and even when you don't think you are making any progress at all). It does get easier with time, as much as I hated hearing that, it is true.
Hugs,
Wanda

Shrn 04/25/2013

You will be okay. We feel broken, our heart is broken, our plans are disinterated, and we are like driftwood on the sea. Being tossed by the wind with no rudder to stabilize our path. But you will find the ability to steer your life again. Sharon

deleted_user 04/25/2013

Part of the healing process is grieving. It's normal to cry you are experiencing tremendous grief. I cried so much the first 6 months. I didn't know how I would get through the day. Work was definately a distraction for me however the minute i got in my car I'd start crying to and from work. Music on the radio made me cry. I was scared too , I lost my security,my best friend. i feared making desisions all by myself. I would come to this site and read how it gets better and I couldn't imagine how it could. Everyone further in the journey was right. It gets better. The hurt never goes away but you start to heal. Please remember there is no timeline for grief. We all go through it our own way and our own time. Be gentle on yourself.
Hugs,
Laurie

obtain 04/26/2013

I want to thank everyone for their reply. It helps to know that I'm not crazy but grieving. Sometimes when you are alone you do think you're losing it and it scares you. Brenda

cathylynn58 04/26/2013

First I want to tell you how sorry I am for your loss. I am at 1 year -Tuesday was the 1 year mark for me. I lost my husband to cancer. There is nothing wrong with you that needs to be "fixed". Your life changed completely in a split second. It takes time for your mind to deal with this. I still work and it has been a huge benefit to me giving me something else to focus on. I understand your family wanting everything back to normal...so do we. But there is no going back to what was. You will find a new normal. Even tho I am not on here much anymore, the people that I have met here on this site have been a huge help to me and without their friendship and support I am not sure I would have survived.
I hope you find some peace today
Cathy

deleted_user 04/26/2013

{{{HUGS}}}

Grief will be your companion for some time -

Please read other posts to learn about it more in detail -

*Be kind, loving & forgiving of yourself everyday of your life*

Peace ~

dianeme 04/26/2013

Panic attacks are horrible! It's a physical reaction, one that you can't fix, only endure. It sounds as though you are doing all the right things. Grasping on to a gardening project may not have worked this time but it's a baby step. It's life affirming. I hope you have a better day today.

Nicker07 04/27/2013

I cringed at the I can't fix me. I do not think you need fixing, whatever you are feeling you need to feel and take those feelings through all the steps as hard as it may be.

I think you need to stop beating yourself up for not being able to not have what ever is going on. Each step you take gets easier, and in your time. You may just need to feel your feelings, and work them at that moment. Get through them and not worry about how come you are still not fixed.

So come here and feel what you need to feel. I am sorry you have to be here.

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