I have not been here in quite a while...where to start...
well I lost my soul mate, my best friend, my team mate in life, March 26, 2013, to cancer...He was my everything, I didn't realize how much until he was gone...probably because I had never been without him, we never married but were together 20+ yrs...I've been teetering on a ledge every since...then 18 mths later I got reacquainted with someone I had known in school. We started talking on the phone every nite, then he came over to help me with some things around my house...it was oddly comforting having him here that day, it was the first time I had felt comfortable with someone being I my home since my Norm had passed. And there were odd similarities - Larry had 2 back surgeries (Norm had a 3-level fusion about 8 yrs prior to the cancer), Both were unable to work, both had issues about being unable to work, both had suffered depression, it was easy for me to be understanding with Larry because I was used to that kind of life. I have always worked, have a decent job-sometimes there's other things that are more important to me than that...when me and Larry started talking, I felt as tho I was really teetering on that ledge pretty bad...for those that are that far out (18 mths), you prolly know what I mean...you are still that person that lost your world, yet everyone expects that you made it that far so your fine, people quit coming around, everyone elses life goes on and you are expected to do the same-but sometimes you just can't...ayway, the first tie Larry came to my home, it was the comfortable, he was not pervy or disrespectful, he was not "after" anything from me... he made me laugh, it was nice...My biggest problem is that I am not very good at the whole domestic, "cooking cleaning thing"....I got the "go to work, pay the bills thing", partly because Norm had always done that part for me, while I was working, going to school, he did everything else...all the things people do on a daily basis to exist had always been done for me...all these sort of "common sense things", are a huge challenge for me...Larry seemed to pick up on that pretty quickly. Most people would have not wanted to bother, but not Larry, it was salmost like he looked around, seen where I was struggelig and started to help me...it gave him a purpose, he thought no one would ever give him a chance, but I was willing to...he started coming over, making me dinner, taking care of things around my house ect... he'd come over and stay a few days at a time, it was nice to have someone around again. He also picked up o the fact that my dog was most important to me, he even came over and stayed one evening when I had (very rare) plans to go out to a concert with my nephews, I knew it would be a late night and was concerned about my dog being alone, he stayed here with her. After a few months of this, he came over one weekend and just never left. Keep in mind, I still (to this day)have all Norms stuff where he left it...I have been frozen by grief...all his clothes are still I the drawer, ect....Many people have told me that I need to get rid of it, go thru it, whatever...But Larry never said anything about it...he ever pressured me about it...he knew I was not ready yet. Again-most people would have walked away, but not Larry..he just accepted me and my faults as is, he made sure never to disturb anything that I was not ready to deal with, he even asked if he could move some of Norm's things in the bathroom so he could have room for his stuff...that was a big step, but I did it to try to make him comfortable....so, time goes on, we were getting along great, he made me laugh everyday...we spent holidays together, went to his familys for dinner(way different for me), he accompanied me to after work parties, he even had a bar b q for my coworkers at my house(Norm would have never done that, therefore I would not have gone to those types of gatherings), we had a great summer, went to a couple concerts, we tried different restaurants he took me out for lobster (another first for me), everything was fun with Larry, not only was this all new for me but for him too!! as I said he had prev been very depressed, he spent the 3 years basically in his bedroom doing very little and rarely socializing with others prior to getting reacquainted with me......after he was here for a little while, I started to get a little worried that maybe this had come on to fast, maybe I was not alone long enough to find out who I am by myself, I went from deep grief to having the life very similar to the one I had been used to back again, I was not sure if it was a good thing or a bad thing. Rite or wrong, I knew I cared a lot about Larry, and clearly he was in love with me!! He started to change too, I was not sure if we were getting too comfortable with one another, or if the fun phase of "us" had run its course...he sometimes picked little arguments, or made accusations that were untrue...and he was having mood swings that I couldn't figure out...then one day I came home from work and his car was parked in the back yard...he had hit some trees up the road from my home (I live in a small residential neighborhood I a small town, and work for the city), I told him that that was unacceptable behavior and asked that he go stay at his mom for a little while till we could figure out what was going on between us...I questioned if he had changed his medication, knowing he had prescriptions for back pain-again I am no stranger to that-(but I was with Norm from the beginning of the surgery, I knew what he was taking, and how much, I looked up side effect on everything, from back surgery, to Hepatitis, to cancer, every new thing, I kept up with everything, but Larry came in with his meds, I had never really looked into side effects, or checked to see how much of anything he was taking). He told me nothing had changed. That was labor Day weekend. He agreed to leave that weekend on Sunday, we were still going to see one another, but he was only going to come over on the weekends for a while-just till we could figure things out...the next few days were up and down while he was here, mood swings & small arguments...then on Saturday, the police showed up at my door about the trees, he told them the same thing he told me, that a woman had been walking her dog without a leash and the dog had ran out in front of him and he swerved to miss it, hit the trees and didn't know what to do so he left (I didn't believe him)...He knew how upset I was that afternoon, having the cops show up at my door, he apologized and his mood changed, almost like he knew he messed up, he stayed that nite and things were fine, we got along great. He left that Sunday morning, he called me at least 6 times thru out the day, but we got along great, it was just like in the beginning, he came over Monday, Labor day, we spent the day together went out to dinner, we had a great day together. I had taken the next 2 days off work, I planned on taking my nephew to a concert (plans were made 6 mths prior-Larry didn't want to go) so he called several times on Tuesday, while I was getting ready, and he seemed a little off, but we were still getting along great just like in the beginning, I thought maybe he was just tired, he called me when I got home that nite and still sounded like he was really tired something. He planned on coming over Wednesday to make me breakfast and we were going to spend the day together. he called me that morning and told me that he was on his way to my house, but there was some kind electrical problem with his car, so he asked if I could bring his phone to him. I told him I'd be there in a few hours. I went to see him and gave him his phone and directions for a job he was looking into, it was sort of an uncomfortable visit, his mom, aunt & uncle were all there. He asked me to drop off some scripts and he picked one up, he was acting very strange, I thought he may have been over medicating, he seemed to be almost dosing off mid conversation, he said he felt weird, I asked what kind of weird, but he just said weird. I didn't stay long and before I left we had made plans for me to get him that weekend, he asked if we were still going to e together an I assured him that we both needed to get our heads together an work it out, we agreed that we needed a bit of a fresh start. I really did care about him an wanted him in my life, but under better circumstances...he didn't call me the rest of the day, which was odd, but I had a few errands to run, I called him that nite, but he didn't answer, so I left him a message. I went to work Thursday, and though it was strange that I had not heard from him, but I was busy at work...before noon, I received a call from his uncle, he told me that Larry had died, his mom had found him in the morning, he was laying on the floor and there was blood coming out of his mouth. How?! Why?! I went into some different shock an broke down crying, I left work and called his mom, but there was no answer...I didn't know what to think, I live 40 min away from his mom, I didn't really know what my place was, when Norm died, it was in my home, everything was on me. I didn't want to just show up at his moms, I had no idea what they were thinking, did he overdose? did she think it was my fault? a million things were going thru my head, everything from Norm's death came back as well...the next day I went to work, checked the caller ID to get the uncles #, I called to ask about what was going on, and he had told me that Larry had gotten into an accident Wednesday morning rolled his car and refused medical treatment. I had asked about the mark on his elbow, an he said he had gotten it while trimming his moms trees (which were freshly trimmed), he asked me to look to see if he had a bruise on the back of his neck, there was no bruise, but there was a lump, he told me he had tripped an landed on the dogs stairs. he had a story for everything. I think he may have had an underlying medical condition or he was over mediating? I think there may have bee internal injuries from the accident, but why did he get into the accident,?? was the personality changed linked to it? or the other accident when he hit the trees? His mom has not got the autopsy report yet. His funeral was at the same funeral home as Norm's was a week short of 2 1/2 years prior. I really can not even sort out everything that I am feeling rite now...I am still trying to wrap my mind around everything...I never got over losing Norm, I've been teetering on that ledge since I lost him...I almost feel like losing Larry may push me rite off of it. Its a different kind of grief, everything is so scattered in my head rite now.. I am 44 yrs old, and the only two significant relationships I've ever had both ended in death just a little less than 2 & 1/2 yrs apart....I feel like I am surrounded by death...I feel like my life is the worst possible nitemare...

Thank you for letting me get it out....