Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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ItsJustMe239 09/16/2010

Yesterday would have been our 26th wedding anniversary. I am so lonely, so heartbroken that I wouldn't even get out of bed if it weren't for worrying my dad and/or my daughter and not wanting to tarnish my late husband's name. On the other hand, I have a wonderful daughter who reminds me so much of her daddy, an elderly dad who is making such an effort to take care of things I need done, and dear family and friends who tell me they think of me. I am lucky to have these things, but all I keep coming back to is that none of that changes a thing. I'm still without the only person in the world who showed me I was worthy of love and able to love in return. In reality, I don't have a wedding anniversary any more because I am no longer a married woman--I am a widow, a young widow with the prospect of more years being that than I had as a wife. The thought of dating seems unlikely to me, as I have no desire to meet anyone else. I know I have to accept my situation because I know it's not going to change, and although it may seem that I'm being melodramatic, I truly do not think I will ever get over this. Why can't I get to the point of acceptance and remember that I am still here and lucky for what I had and still have? It will be a year in a couple months, and I still cry almost daily. Am I wallowing and obsessing, or am I just feeling the deep pain of loss? Thank you for "listening." I truly hope you find peace and comfort in your memories.

pathoflife 09/16/2010

You are not wallowing, you are experiencing the deepest grief one can feelloss of the other part of you. It's an exhausting and incomprehensible journey, but one that each survivor must take. Don't lose heart; just keep plodding along to the best of your ability. It will improve although I know it doesn't seem possible at this time.

One day when you least expect it, you will see your future from a whole other vantage point, one that holds the prospect of hope and even joy. You are expressing what we have all expressed at one time or the other. I'm so glad you have family and friends who are supportive and are 'loving you through this journey.' That is a gift of unspeakable worth.

Use Daily Strength to help gain reasonable expectations while you travel this path. We are here for one another, and I can't say enough about the compassion that everyone is willing to show to others who are in pain. They're the best! Blessings to you. TJ

jerseydebbie 09/16/2010

No two people grieve the same, so, please don't compare your grief to that of another or give yourself a timetable of recovery. You don't control grief. It controls you. Sorry if I sound preachy.

I was married 31 years. We were a couple for 7 years prior. About 3/4 of my age, which is a long time. My counselor told me I am still Mrs. X until I decide otherwise. I still acknowledge our anniversary because in my heart, I am still married and still wear my rings.

None of us ever get over losing a spouse. We adapt to living a life without them, however we choose to live that life. Like yourself, I have no plans to date, remarry, nor acquire a new companion. It's just not part of my nature, nor necessary.

You will reform your life now in your way, and in your own time. One that you are comfortable with. At some point you will feel good about the blessings you are already acknowledging.

None of us like where we are, especially me. I didn't choose it, nor do I have to like it. But, I do have to continue living, if not for myself, for those that love me, and for my husband. He was so proud of me while alive. He should continue to be proud of me while in heaven.

Blessings, Debbie

Lininsocal 09/16/2010

The first year is full of doubts and questions, pain and grief. If you want to lay in bed and have a pity party you certainly can. If your need to fulfill responsibilities spurns you on and up then you can follow that purpose. You have many people who love you and you ARE worthy of their love and they are blessed to have yours. As a widow remember this, you may not be married in the sense of having a living partner BUT you were married to someone who loved you and valued you so much he chose to unite with you in marriage. Being a "widow" validates the union and love. Time will ease your pain. Concentrate on the positive you have in your life. You will always have that anniversary, he and his love lives in your heart.
I hope you have a brighter tomorrow.
Linda

driveler 09/16/2010

MrsRWB,
Please knoe that we understand your pain and heartache. I was also bothered by the idea of no longer having a wedding anniversary but then I realized that it is still and will always be "the anniversary of the day I was married" So yes in October I will acknowlege the 22 anniversary of my wedding day! It is a day I never want to forget!!! The memory will always bring me joy! I was loved by a wonderful man.... and so were you! {{hugs}} to you!

deleted_user 09/16/2010

Mrs. RWB,
I lost my wonderful husband 4 months ago and I still consider myself married. I still wear my wedding ring - along with his - and I will celebrate the anniversary of the day that I married the love of my life - November 28th. That day will always be our wonderful anniversary........
This is the most difficult journey that any of us will ever travel and I hope that by being here, you will find support and understanding among the wonderful members of DS.
Grief takes as long as it takes. I'm sending you a hug for a peaceful evening.
Chris

deleted_user 09/16/2010

Hi -- please try to think of it this way, you are experiencing probably one of the most intense pain a person can experience -- this is the grieving process. You have suffered a great loss and there is nothing more that can be done except continue forward -- day to day. We are conditioned and accustomed to believe that there is a pill or cure for everything that ails us. Unfortunately, there is nothing for this kind of malady -- grief. Be gentle with your mind and thoughts. It is very difficult to accept that our loved one is no longer here, so for now accept that your feelings are very raw and that in time, little of little, the pain will start to subside as you go through the other stages. We do not all go through this process the same way or same order. There is no magical date down the path that it will become easier. As my therapist once told me, it will be over a month and hopefully less than a year. Please try to get out of bed for the sake of your child and elderly father. Those two precious beings are blessings to you -- and more important, to your right now! Let them love you and you love them back and little and little you will start walking down the path to the stage of acceptance. Many blessings to you.

NewRoadsForMe 09/16/2010

I am with you all the way. I am still married and I will wear my rings and his for the rest of my life. When I said I would love him forever, that meant forever, which includes heaven. I feel OK being alone as compared to needing a partner (date or husband). I am venturing out to eat in restaurants alone, going to church and other places alone. I have made 2 new wonderful girl friends since Joe died. They have given me joy. My kids and grands have stepped up and pay more attention to me and we spend more time together. I don't need a "living man". I already have mine and he is waiting for me to come.

Mgould 09/17/2010

I'm in the same spot you are. Today would be our 27th wedding anniversary and I feel everything that you just said.

Joely 09/17/2010

Sorry for your loss. No, you aren't wallowing nor obsessing. The first year is such a heartbreaking year. NO ONE grieves exactly alike. We are all unique and therefore, our grief is unique. Of course, many aspects of grief are shared among widows/ers. We definitely understand the pain and the tears. Don't think that you 'have' to be like anyone else!!

Remember that the grief stages do not really follow a pattern, as many books state. The stages also come and go again and again. It would be great if we could go through those stages once and be through -- but, it's not that simple. We are all different and grieve differently, but, all know the heartbreak.

DS is a Godsend for so many of us. I hope it will help you too.

Hugs, Joely

deleted_user 09/17/2010

Wear your rings...count yourself as Mrs. ...do what ever it takes to keep close to your husband. There are too many do-gooders out there that will tell you about moving on and the new life. Bull shit! You have to do what you have to do to get by. Your grief is yours. We all grieve differently...but we are all there on the one road. Just knowing that your situation will not change is accepting it for what it is.
Happy Anniversary to you. You DO have an anniversary....your marriage did happen, so you have one. You didn't divorce your husband, so you are still married and will remain married throughout eternity. My seventh anniversary was last month and I do knowhow you feel. peace...Kaaren

missmyhero 09/17/2010

These days are so hard. I am preparing for our anniversary the 21st of this month and I understand exactly how you feel. I don't think anniversary's are ever easy because they, along with other special days, are the ones that bring us right back to the depth of all that we lost. I will forever miss the man that made me whole. I will do something to honor and remember all the wonderful memories on that day. I just do not know what yet..

Sounds like you have a wonderful daughter and father. I am so glad they are there for you and you for them, even though it is still so hard.

hugs..
-Diana

deleted_user 09/17/2010

It will be 7 years since I lost my husband. I still grieve for him. I consider myself still a married woman who's husband is with the Lord. I have celebrated my anniversary every year since he moved in with the Lord.

Do not rush through your grief, you need to live through it. You have lost half your heart and it will never be whole like it was again. But one day you will hear yourself laugh and at least for a moment enjoy life again.

deleted_user 09/17/2010

Rich has been gone almost 15 months - I celebrated our 36th anniversary in May - I know he was watching down on me. I still wear my rings and his - probably always will. This is a hard journey but I'm learning to be alone. Not quite brave enough to go out to eat by myself yet - that's one of my goals. But I'm trying. Take the time you need - it's different for everyone.

deleted_user 09/17/2010

I agree with everybody else - don't put pressure on yourself to fly through these "stages of grief" (which aren't so cut & dried as the early books made them sound) but take it at your own pace. You had a phenomenal loss that has changed your life forever, whatever happens down the road. This is not "wallowing and obsessing" because it is about something all too real. You still have a day that marks the day that you were first married, and that's a wedding anniversary in my mind.

Hugs to you,
Gail

ItsJustMe239 09/20/2010

Thanks so much to all of you for your caring replies. What you say makes a lot of sense, and I am trying to remember your advice. On that day I wrote a letter in my journal to Russ, expressing my feelings, and I cooked his favorite meal in his honor.

You are so right about the grief cycle being personal and individual, just like all of us. To have all of you here to speak freely with means so much, as you all know. Hugs to all of you!

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