Welcome I am new to all of this too. You are not alone in your feelings my Terry has been gone for 8 months and I am a till sad and nothing is better. Hold on to your memories and remember them always. I am lonely a lot to. I am alone all the time . I guess in time it will get better but I feel for me it was better earlier when people would be there for me and now no one is here for me I guess people think it has been 8 months and she is over it and has moved on. Not the case .if you need someone to talk to please contact me.

Welcome,and I too hate cancer. My loss has been over 5 years now but I still feel the hole in my heart. And why wouldn't I? I was loved and in love when he left. That's a hard thing to forget or even minimize since I was a lucky one to have found love.
There will be stages and waves of grief for losing someone that important in your life. At 5 years I also look at the gifts he gave me as part of what I do now. So in some ways he built the empty spaces that were not developed before I met him. Leaving me with more than I had before his love started working on me. My story is long, but I am still here hoping that where he is he is happy. I also wouldn't want him to feel pain from me. That is 5 years out, but healing.
Hugs of support.
J.

Seeing a doctor and getting a referral for therapy is a good thing to do right now. You have and will always be in charge of your care. Grief is both a physical and mental hardship so support is needed on many fronts. If you think you might need it, likely you do, since our own care seems to be the last on our minds. Eat meals, drink water and see your doctor.
Hugs again.
J.

Thank you jewell & parrot - I got out today and felt a little better, did some errands and talked to a few people as I was out, made me "come out of myself" a little. Felt like I participated in life and took my mind away from "reliving" the past. I know Patrick would have wanted me to go on living in the best way I could. Very hard, but I am trying to give it my best effort. This is something that will not happen overnight. I realize though, I must find peace and contentment in myself, we can't really count on another to bring this too us. Just some of my thoughts for today.......

Cancerhater it's really death that you hate. If cancer made us healthier I'm sure you wouldn't be hatin'. Maybe it even does, if we overcome it...
I know how you feel about in house/out of house. I tend to stay out once I'm out and never too quick to return. Being away you don't have the familiar setting. It's like we're hiding, escaping. Yet there is no place to go to escape the reality we're in. It just feels better I guess to run and try...It's all we can do.

Good morning Ihatecancer. I too have been widowed when bile duct cancer ( very rare) took my sweet Mary from me in December of 2014. Yes you do re-live all the events of your relationship, and most often, the days from diagnosis through their passing. In my case this was a very short period of time. My wife had exploratory surgery in late September, and we were told she might have six months to live at that time. The following day the surgeon told us the biopsy taken was inconclusive and may not be bile duct cancer. With the succeeding weeks several more biopsies of her liver were done, and all came back either necrotic, or atypical. Her condition worsened over the weeks, and we were never given a final diagnosis until 9-days before her passing. They could not begin chemotherapy or any kind of treatment. As you probably know, bile duct cancer is a very difficult cancer to diagnose, and treat, as there is no known cure. All of us here have stories of our loved ones final days, but it is best to remember the good times we had while married. All i can say is time does seem to make things easier to handle, but the wound will always be just under the surface. God bless, and wishing you continued healing.
Vic

Missmar, thank you for your reply, and for verifying that it is "normal" to relive the relationship, it is so exhausting though, my mind never seems to stop.

Very interesting to hear your Mary had the very same cancer my Patrick had. Yes, it is very rare and not very well understood. Makes me feel even more "singled out," I know that is foolish of me, but it feels so unfair, especially to get such a rare hopeless cancer, so many cancers nowadays are treatable and some can go into remission, not this one. Very shocking, although we did get a diagnosis early on........two years before he died.

If you don't mind my asking, how old was Mary? Patrick was 63, was diagnosed at age 61. If you would rather Private message me that is fine, I am not sure how to send a private message, just getting used to this site.

Sometimes I still think he is alive, I refer to him when I talk to my friends like he is still with me. Then when I realize he is not, I start from scratch in the grieving process. So hard, as you know.

Mary was just 59, and I was almost 56, not even old enough to start drawing on her retirement. She had retired in January of 2014, and was not 59-1/2. So very sad. Also a bit guilt forming as I am left to spend what she and I had saved so diligently over the 26 years of our marriage. Just finding ways to find joy in life as the time passes since her passing. Small things eventually make you smile, and maybe even a laugh as time goes on will creep into your life, but just giving it time to be accepted, and finding new purpose to your single life.
Good luck to you in your journey.

I also lost my husband to bile duct cancer. He was 69 years old, I was 56. He had no prior symptoms, other than fatigue and loss of appetite. He died 7 months after diagnosis (with treatment). Yes, it is a rare cancer and unfortunately always terminal. I too felt sad from the moment of diagnosis, and lived each day in fear of the day I would lose him. It's been 3 years for me, a slow journey of getting used to my life without him and healing. I am doing much better, and am beginning to have times where I enjoy life, but the sadness and tears are always just under the surface. Everything you're feeling is normal.....there's so many would have, should have's and going over the memories of the years together. Feeling isolated, but not having the energy to go out and socialize. I went to therapy for a little while, and also joined a hospice support group. Both were helpful. I tried to schedule 1-2 social outings a week, and that also helped. At first it was easier to relate just to other widows, still is in a way, but I have all kinds of new friends I've made as well. Good luck to you as you continue to process your loss. This support group is great. Just share with us whatever you're feeling and you will find support here. Take Care.

Lori001 - You are the 2nd person that responded that lost their spouse to bile duct cancer. I find that quite unusual, being that it is such a rare cancer. When I tell people what Patrick died of, they just look at me with a question mark on their face. I then have to explain what the disease is and just how bad it is. I'm sure you have gone through this too. It just seems to make things even worse that he died of such an unusual cancer, makes me feel even more alone, singled out and so very sad that he had to get this hopeless cancer. So many people go into remission or beat different cancers these days, I ask myself so many times "why, this one?" Of course, there is no answer to this question. I know we are not the only ones that get rare disease, just so hard to cope with. I am trying hard to live on, but I miss him more each day, instead of less. Thank you for listening and thank you for responding, I feel a bond with you and missmar because you and your spouses endured the same dreadful disease. I still hold true to my name...."I hate cancer!".........especially bile duct cancer!

Ihatecancer, Lori: It is indeed a rare cancer, as I have found online. There are only 3000 cases a year in the US. There is also a Facebook support group which has a limited amount of members, which appear to be from all over the world, but still not a great deal of input by people here in the US. I think the thing that has bothered me most over the past almost three years, is the fact that we could not get a confirmed diagnosis in which to determine a course of treatment. It was just a waiting game for us. But then I think, would it have been worth putting my wonderful wife through all the dreaded side-effects of chemo in order to prolong the inevitable end that this type of cancer leads to. In the end they still die. All I can do is continue to live one day at a time in hope that I will see her again some day.

We live near Roswell Park Cancer Institute, so we did receive a diagnosis fairly quickly, actually Patrick had no symptoms at all, an elevated liver test started the process. He lived 2 years from diagnosis, did pretty well with therapy, but it was not easy by any means. There are pros and cons with finding out early, alot of mental anguish in finding out early, 2 years of it for us. He did pretty well on the infusion chemo, but toward the end they put him on oral chemo, which put him into liver failure and was the cause of death. So one can look at it 2 ways, more time with therapy, but maybe more mental suffering, although Patrick did very well mentally, not everyone would have, I did very poorly mentally and emotionally, it was in the forefront of my mind every minute for 2 years. So, yes, Missmar, all you can do it try to live your life now, as I am trying to do too, it is not easy, but coming here for support is good. I do understand the bile duct cancer road, believe me, I do. Blessings to you.

My husband's bile duct cancer was discovered during a routine annual exam that showed elevated liver enzymes. CT scans and MRI's were inconclusive. Living on Maui, my husband wanted to go to the mainland right away to see "the experts". We went to Johns Hopkins, they suspected bile duct cancer immediately from the images. He had a biopsy, and we had a definite diagnosis. They gave us a treatment plan, and we went home to Maui. The oncologist on Maui (the only one) had treated only one other case of bile duct cancer, but did not agree with the plan from Johns Hopkins! My husband went with the local doctor's recommendation. The treatments were harsh, and he went downhill fast. The oral chemo and radiation were hard on his organs, and his liver and kidneys started shutting down. I truly believe he may have lived longer without any treatment. I am still so sad that for what he went through and that he is no longer here with me. I have since moved from Maui, and am slowly moving forward with my life, but there will always be that sadness........

Lori001, and Ihatecancer, I know it has been a while since this thread was originally posted, and wondering how you both have been doing. Hopefully moving on with your lives in a positive way. Would love to hear how three years have passed and how you have dealt with the loss of your spouses.
Looking forward to hearing from you.
Vic

the feeling you are having are part of your grieving dont push yourself do things when you see fit to do them . I am new to the cancer thing I lost Wendy to liver cancer they said it was rare and fast growing from when we found out until she pasted away was only 3 months . she pasted away this good Friday I know how hard all this grief because I lost my first wife Cindy to Vodka she drank to much and died from alcohol poisoning 10 years ago stay strong and take care of yourself .. Scott