Hi joybob,

I believe that the sadness will not so much fade away. However, it will not torture your feelings so much in time. I know the frustration too. My husband shopped frequently with me before he passed on, and going to the store alone was a challenge at first, now it's tolerable.

There are things to do which will help you to cope. Please keep close to this support site, or spend more time with close family and friends. It helps to have people you can talk to from time to time. Then you should be taking good care of yourself. Perhaps treat yourself to a spa day, volunteer work helps to take the mind off self, and there are plenty of other ideas you may deploy to keep those bombing thoughts away.

I'm really sorry that you are experiencing this feeling of sadness. You are safe here at this support network. People do care and you will feel welcomed here.

Love & hugs today!

I live in a 55 plus community...you are either a couple or yu sit at the widows table. I cant look anywhere in this house that I dont see something to cry about. He really the past 6 months didnt know much. He didnt know how to eat, what a spoon was. I had to lift him to dress him. He had an ostomy (had bladder cancer) and I had to change that bag every week for the past 11 years. I had minimal help. Hospice nurse checked him on Friday. Someone came to give him sponge bath Monday stayed about 20 minutes. I am 80 years old. I promised him he would die at home and it almost killed me. The lonely feelings a doubt will go anytime soon. I miss the hugs. He never wanted to leave me. Nurses said he should have died months ago but I kept him alive. I hope this pain will go away. I ache and feel half a person. 60 years together. Grateful for that no regrets. Guess just selfish me wanting to be with him. Thanks, I am not in a good place now.

joybob, I know that it was a rough time for you. Your husband needed you and you were faithfully there for him at his weakest moments in life. I admire you and I'm sure that he thanks you even in his soul.

I have a meeting to attend in a few moments. However, I will be back later today. I will chat more with you then. Please stay with us. This is a wonderful support group. It may not be as active right now, but people do care to reach out while visiting.

Bless you today.

joybob, I know exactly what you are going through. It is the most fearsome and terrifying thing you have probably been through. I lost my husband of almost 47 years in 2014. I had never lived alone. I went from my parents home to my married one. I thought I would lose my mind. Thankfully I found this site and it literally saved my life! I have since remarried, to a man that had also been widowed and was on this site. However, he now has a serious illness, and even though I am 79 years old, I fear being a widow again. Big hugs to you. You can pour your heart out on this site and it is really helpful.

I do not know how to add friend hgsdms...

today was my birthday, nothing to celebrate, just having to adjust to being here alone. Each holiday or birthday will have a first without him. I did nothing today. When you are with someone for such a long time its a tough adjustment. The house is quiet, and when I go out I know I go to an empty house. You have to be careful about who to talk to pretty soon everyone will back away. No one wants a reminder of death. Some people have empathy and some don't. Today I got a call from someone who stopped speaking to my husband. My husband let him borrow money(First mistake). and he took his time paying it back like it was a chore. anyway he called to say how sorry he was. Well my husband would have liked to hear from him before he died! They were friends from 5 years old, grew up together. So I guess he did it for himself to feel better. If he cared anything about Bob he would have called a long time ago. Guess I am just really venting. I have a friend in Texas, she is widowed. She said someday I will wake up and have a smile on my face. Can't happen soon enough because I don't see it happening.

Samwise1234, very wise words. Grieving is truly different for everyone. Sometimes I would come to this site in the middle of the night and usually there would be someone on here because members are from all over the world. In fact some of the best Facebook friends are people who were grieving the same time I was. One lives in Australia!

joybob, vent all you want. Yes, every holiday and occasion will be different now. Some of your married girl friends may back away. I know mine did. Guess they thought grieving might be contagious.

married friends dropped us last year, they didn't want to sit with us at dances because of my husbands dementia. he was harmless very quiet. It bothered them. and guess what, first cards of sympathy was from that group. I promptly threw in garbage, I don't have to be nice anymore if I feel people are disingenuous. they do it because it makes them feel better, it did nothing for me, they left my husband high and dry. never coming by house nothing. Life is tough and I have to be tough. Well I just cried when the guy came to measure for flooring, getting rid of carpet, my husband had accidents with his ostomy he would pull it off it was horrible. I look back and I realize I could not have done it for much longer. I need to go in that room with new smaller bed, no hospital supplies hospital bed, etc. I need to do it...but without crying. The poor guy said he would do whatever it took to give me a good price.

Yes, joybob, cry. It helps to release the utter sadness. I found a saying that helped me somehow...”you have to feel it to heal it”. If you try to hold it inside, it will erupt sometime. Big hugs to you.

joybob, bless your heart, spending your birthday alone and missing your husband is terribly painful. I'm sorry for this too. If it helps to say this, happy belated birthday, joybob.

I thought about you last we chatted. And I came back to see if you had further posted. I wanted to tell you that a redesign of your living spaces will help the sad atmosphere of your home. Later, you may even decide to get a new hairdo, buy a new outfit, treat yourself to a new personal image. I tell you this for therapeutic reasons. Usually, long-term caregivers fill washed out, drained, or zonked out. So a positive change in scenery is good and should be taken seriously.

Much like a doctor would prescribe medications to lift your depression - a visual change in lifestyle will help to rewire your depressive thoughts of all the caregiving memories. And not everything has to change all at one time. Try doing a little bit of redecorating or personal makeover through bits of time, like begin at a little time over the course of a few days, to weeks, to months, to years.

I wish the world of friends was not so cruel to you now. I'd have thrown out the phony cards too. It's okay to have this attitude with fake condolences. I had family much into schemes. I think the friend that borrowed money from your husband was targeting you as well. The same happened to me with a family member and I shut them down right away.

I so much wish that I could personally hug you today.

Best!

thank you so much Remiah, I feel like a ship without a rudder. I am taking carpet out of his "kingdom" that is what he called our master bedroom. I had to remove the beautiful bedroom set we had to make way for the hospital bed, it was old and junky from hospice. I bought new sheets and spread, and he just loved it. He was happy at 9 p m to go to his kingdom. My life these past 2 years was strictly caregiver. Hospice just came on Friday to check him. The week before he died, I got someone to sponge bath him once a week. So all on my shoulders. He was a great guy, never complained, thanked me for everything I ever did. But he was getting so bad, he was on medication for anxiety, he would button and unbutton his clothes, over and over. Poor guy. He used to work for New York state disbarring lawyers, he was smart. To see the decline made me sick to my stomach. He still hugged me and kissed my head and said "good morning sweetheart" each day. Need to stop missing him....

Hang on joybob. It will get better. I know you probably don’t believe that. I didn’t either. The pain eases but you will always remember, and in time the pain will be gone. Give yourself time. Try to find something to take your mind off of reality for a bit. Even 10 minutes can help.

yes going back to play cards today will let you know how I do

You obviously loved your husband unconditionally and dedicated your life to his care as his caregiver in his time of greatest need. Rest assured that he knew what you were doing for him and the effort required on your part. Think how much it must have meant to him to look into the face of his caregiver and see your face, as opposed to the unknown face of another. The true test of a caregiver is "Now that he is gone, can I look myself in the mirror and say without question 'I did everything I could for him'" If anyone can, you can. God bless you.