Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
This post was inspired by the questions mentioned in JFerrante's discussion topic. Thanks for that thought-provoking post.
Death is an enigma until it touches us intimately. If it hasn't touched us personally, we tend to give it a cursory nod and then go on with our lives unscathed.
As a society: (1) Are we afraid of our inadequacies to comfort? (2) Are we afraid that we ourselves will become emotional and not maintain the upper hand in the situation? (3) Are we afraid of the unknown; thus, ignoring the subject of death altogether? (4) Or, do we prefer to not become involved: too much commitment to something we know little of? It's hard to put a caption on what in the world is wrong with the human race when it comes to death. Decades ago, we were not removed from death, even as children, but it is very different now in this age of apathy.
Many years ago, I worked in a hospital laboratory where I frequently dealt with death and suffering. I had an occasion to sit in the gallery, viewing an autopsy. I was consumed with the question of "What makes us different from one another?" We all have the same body parts, all have the same functions, all are born, live, and die. However, we are ALL different: different values; likes, dislikes, personalities, fears, etc., but why and how? That experience confirmed that the differences in us were not the body parts or life experiences (we all react differently when confronted with the same situationwhy?). The autopsy showed me nothing but our human similarities; God has shown me our individuality. Only He knows His reasons and purposes.
Even as you all are reading this, there will be a myriad of ideas as to how you respond to my thoughts. In a few words, we are wonderfully made, and who can know the mind of God. Only He knows why He gave us our particular DNA and what He has purposed for us to accomplish on this earth.
In my opinion, our values are skewed. We value all the things that are temporary, and discount those things that bring permanence and comfort to our inner being. Sad but true, and I can only hope and pray that eventually "we get it" and reach for those things in life that really matter. Our losses have brought us to our knees, and we view life very differently than others who still have their loved ones with them. Life goes on as usual for them; nothing is the same for us.
Thanks for listening. TJ
Death is an enigma until it touches us intimately. If it hasn't touched us personally, we tend to give it a cursory nod and then go on with our lives unscathed.
As a society: (1) Are we afraid of our inadequacies to comfort? (2) Are we afraid that we ourselves will become emotional and not maintain the upper hand in the situation? (3) Are we afraid of the unknown; thus, ignoring the subject of death altogether? (4) Or, do we prefer to not become involved: too much commitment to something we know little of? It's hard to put a caption on what in the world is wrong with the human race when it comes to death. Decades ago, we were not removed from death, even as children, but it is very different now in this age of apathy.
Many years ago, I worked in a hospital laboratory where I frequently dealt with death and suffering. I had an occasion to sit in the gallery, viewing an autopsy. I was consumed with the question of "What makes us different from one another?" We all have the same body parts, all have the same functions, all are born, live, and die. However, we are ALL different: different values; likes, dislikes, personalities, fears, etc., but why and how? That experience confirmed that the differences in us were not the body parts or life experiences (we all react differently when confronted with the same situationwhy?). The autopsy showed me nothing but our human similarities; God has shown me our individuality. Only He knows His reasons and purposes.
Even as you all are reading this, there will be a myriad of ideas as to how you respond to my thoughts. In a few words, we are wonderfully made, and who can know the mind of God. Only He knows why He gave us our particular DNA and what He has purposed for us to accomplish on this earth.
In my opinion, our values are skewed. We value all the things that are temporary, and discount those things that bring permanence and comfort to our inner being. Sad but true, and I can only hope and pray that eventually "we get it" and reach for those things in life that really matter. Our losses have brought us to our knees, and we view life very differently than others who still have their loved ones with them. Life goes on as usual for them; nothing is the same for us.
Thanks for listening. TJ
For me this walk in death's dark vale has been so very painful but is less so ten months out from that day she passed the river of death which John Bunyan wrote. Death for the believer takes on a wholly new dimension when faced so intimately. My darling knew she faced a very limited time here, and spent her weak and quiet days at home thinking about heaven, praying for her family, writing beautiful journals and reflecting on life. She had nothing to fear because she had faith that her sins were covered by Christ.
That has made my walk in the valley so much more comforting I guess. I know many others here have seen traumatic, bitter,twisted and violent deaths too. It has been hard to get to know some whose walks have been in such horrible shadows. But I hope in our dark times, we have found some comfort here in sharing our losses and feeling for one another through this very human journey.
Now families are farflung and the elderly don't usually reside with their children and grandchildren. Death has been sequestered and the whole process has been sanitized and hidden from general view. We don't have frequent contact with it, daily experience with it, comfort with certainty that everybody's life has a period on it.
So those who haven't experienced a loss like we have are awkward and uncomfortable and may even avoid or shun us, as so many of us have noticed in other posts. Death shouldn't be set aside when every other lifecycle event is pretty mainstream, but a society that worships youth, beauty, and size zero figures isn't one that will deal with death with any comfort.
Hugs, Gail
I'm not sure what you refer to when you say our values are "skewed". I think in many situations, they are out of balance.(or maybe out of order) Experiencing the loss of someone very close makes us reexamine our priorites as we try to get things right. I believe you have a greater insight as you have witnessed suffering and death--it has to have an impact on your life. My husband was a Navy Corpman during the VietNam War and served in combat. He saved as many young men as he could but still was haunted by the triage. He learned at a young age what really matters in life. He was the most caring person I had ever met, probably was what attracted me to him.
When you were describing the differences in people--it made me think about something I observed after my husband died. I am speaking generally now, but we humans grieve pretty much the same. It doesn't matter who you are, how much money you have or anything else. We are so similar in the way we react--it can be written down in steps or stages. Length of time may vary and some may handle it better than others but we all go through the same process. I guess I was surprised that at my age, I didn't know there was such a thing as a grief process. I understood grief, but I didn't understand the entanglement of emotions. Anyway, great post!
Our bodies are truly a magnificent piece of machinery. It is amazing how our inner-workings function. It is hard to fathom that God or someone of a higher power can accomplish such a thing.
I hope some day that we "will get it" too.
Thanks for your thoughts on this.
I was complaining to him about how other family members were treating me different, going out of their way to avoid me & acting like my DH never existed. That I'd been counting on them for support & was shocked by the abandonment & apparent lack of empathy or emotion.
It angered me so much because DH cared so much for them & it seemed like they didn't even miss him at all, & now they were treating me as if I died too & was equally unimportant to them.
He said, "You're looking at it wrong. They have nothing in common with you".
In way I can see his point.
I have known people who have lost loved ones & did not feel I could relate to them or their level of pain either.
Their relationship with their loved one was far more intimate. I couldn't begin to comprehend the sadness they were experiencing. Because of that, I felt I had no business trying to comfort them. I would say 'I'm so sorry" but the unspoken part of that sentence was "but I have no idea what to say to comfort you because I have never experienced the loss of someone so important to me."
That's a pragmatic way of looking at it, but on an emotional level it still hurts a great deal when you find yourself grieving all alone & carrying that weight soley upon your shoulders.
One thing's for sure, I am more in tune now than I was before I lost my husband.
Hugs to all, Cyndi
I went through the wake and funeral in this same place of total thankfulness for my husband's life and mine. Some refer to it as shock, others said I was in denial, and others were just worried about the way I was acting. No one thought that it was normal.
I think the answer was I realized at that time that my life has been like a quilt. Each experience, good or bad, was a piece of torn fabric that sewn together made up the years I spent on earth. That gave me the comfort of knowing the one sewing that quilt was in control and my quilt would continue until it was completed the same as my husbands.
That's my feeling on death. It brings sadness to those left behind because we live in out physical bodies. When we can think spiritually and have faith we know that our life here is but a second in time. The quilt will be made, all things happen for good, we just don't understand it because if we did, we wouldn't need faith. Sharon
No More Sorrow in Heaven
Blessed be God! There shall be no sorrow in heaven. There shall not be one single tear shed within the courts above. There shall be no more disease and weakness and decay. The coffin, the funeral and the grave shall be things unknown. Our faces shall no more be pale and sad. No more shall we go out from the company of those we love and be parted asunder that word, farewell, shall never be heard again. There shall be no anxious thought about tomorrow to mar and spoil our enjoyment. There shall be no sharp and cutting words to wound our souls. Our needs will have come to a perpetual end, and all around us shall be harmony and love.
~ J.C. Ryle
The Christian Race & Other Sermons, Heaven, [Moscow, ID: Charles Nolan Publishing, 2002], 260.