I think they sometimes do not know what to say. I have not really had that happen but many on this site say their friendships changed. I found widows to be the most understanding and in my age group there are many widows. However; my neighbor who is 40 and a widow has become one of my best friends. I did not know her when my husband passed, but met her walking my dog.
Your old friends may not be what you expect so perhaps on this site you will meet some wonderful, supportive people who can help you get through this sad time.
i like that you get outside- walking and enjoying nature will improve you physically and spiritually. It will get easier as time fades those reoccurribg memories. Martha "Jean"

I meant reoccurring memories.

There is a saying here that losing your spouse re-writes your address book. I am much older than most members, and many of my friends are widows. So I didn't lose friends. But in younger ages, couples seem to no longer include widows in their plans. It is very hurtful, and hard to understand. My dad was 85 when my mom died, and his best "fishing buddy" of many yrs. totally disappeared from his life. I was so shocked - and dad was hurt. I even called the man once, and he said they would be in touch. However, they never were. It seems like people don't know how to relate to widows; don't know what to say - and don't try to learn. A local grief group might be a place to find new friends. There are probably people near you who would enjoy your friendship. I hope you find each other!
Hugs - Doye

I don't believe they mean to leave us. They can't understand the pain we carry and it makes them uncomfortable. I know after losing my husband I had a totally new prospective on what others were dealing with. I also sought people who were familiar with what I was dealing with beginning here. Sharon

The simple answer is; I don't know why people vanish from our lives or expect US to reach out to THEM. They're so afraid to catch the disease that we're carrying!

It's as if widow's should be moved to a leper like island so couples don't have to look at us!!!!

You certainly are not alone in your observation.

Roz

I totally agree with Roz. Everyone acts like it's contagious. Maybe big pharma can come up with a new vaccine for it. Lol

We also have to accept that we have changed and our circle may not understand, let alone, like those changes. I have set aside a friendship of 35 years because I wasn't grieving the right way or "getting over it" fast enough. Sounds harsh but it is the reality. As for family, I have to remind myself that they lost a much loved brother and are hurting too. I think my presence just makes it all a painful reminder. So I just try to be kind, even when my own well is dry. Finally, people are uncomfortable with grief. They are great in the crisis but find the grind of grief to be impossible to deal with for the long haul (and it is a long haul). Some, a few, simply don't want to step in our space, they want to be respectful so they do wait for us to reach out. It means we have to make the effort when sometimes it seems impossible to just get through the day (or night) but there ya go.

Soooooooo....... think hard about what support you want from friends and family and be frank with them about what you need from them. You would be surprised at how many will rise to the challenge when they have direction and permission. And those who can't, forgive them and ease on. Think about sitting down with your SIL and others who are dealing with this loss, too, and figuring out how you can help each other through it all. Last, look for a few new friends, ones who have been in your shoes. We may not be able to sit around chatting over coffee but we ca, and do, give each other support. Wishing you a bit of peace.....

Thanks for the support and hugs :) When I get settled from the big move I'll seek new friends. I do have some here and it's wonderful to talk and actually have someone talk back. I love this site!

Thanks Roz for that ; it made me laugh, I have reached out to them several times with no response so I'm going to keep it moving. When/if they're ready they know where to find me.

My reaction to this question is much like others here...they are uncomfortable and don't know what to say or how to act with us and they keep putting it off...others? Well they weren't the REAL DEAL anyway... I had one that told my husband, don't worry about Rene, I have her back, I'll take care of her. Well she didn't and she doesn't...it took this happening to realize she wasn't the real deal.
So that's the second part of this, we really learn who are the ones that stand with us, through the tough times too.

I don't want to sound like a hard-ass (something I had been most of my adult life but for this whole cancer/death thing changing me) -- but here it is. I put up with certain family members for over 30 years because of my love for Juanita and her heart was always to just love and never say or do anything to hurt another living soul. Oh, in private her and I would talk, often she'd be crying over something said or done, but I just had to say nothing to keep the peace. So here's the hard-ass part of me -- Juani's death allowed me to stand my ground and I did/said what I wanted to do/say with these problem childs. And they decided to terminate their relationships with me -- 10 months now, not a peep or a visit, a step-daugher I helped raise and support that never once had a conversation with me in all those years, and a sister-in-law that drove me crazy because she was crazy. It was like walking on eggs whenever you were around her for fear you would make her mad. And on at least 2 occassions through the years, she got pissed off at me and didn't speak to me for over 2 years each time. And with these 2, I already knew they simply barely tolerated me. I must say, my life is better without their drama and insults and hurtful things I saw them do and say to my wife. Did I purposely say and do what I did at the time to end it once and for all with them. Didn't think so at the time. Now, I'm not so sure at some level I think I knew exactly what I was doing. Turned out great for me, at way too high a cost, but a couple of stains in my life that needed to be washed away. So Gregsbaby, do what you gotta do, and just maybe you'll end up doing yourself a favor while your at it. Okay, now the nice Scottie is back so you didn't hear it from me. God bless and comfort you ~~ Scottie

I have found that the people I was close to before my husband's death are the same people I am close to now. My sister and my best friend have been right by my side every step of the way and I am so grateful for them.
Ruth

First a quick "hi". I've been reading these discussions for a couple of weeks, but this is my first post. I lost my husband of 20 years about 2 and half months ago. I'm 45 so my friends are busy with their young families and are nowhere near dealing with lost spouses. I have been finding all your posts and comments a tremendous help. It's very comforting to know all these feelings and thoughts are widely shared.

I have found that while I have been disappointed by some people I have grown closer to a few. I have received, and continue to receive, tremendous support from a few friends and "acquaintances" that I never would have thought would be so kind and empathetic. I agree with many of the comments - I think people just don't know what to say or do. Honestly, I have thought so much about others I know that have suffered the loss of a spouse or a child and I can't believe what I have not done for those people. I have said that my husband taught me much in his life and he is teaching me much in his death.

I've shared with a few friends that many people find the second year to be more difficult than the first, or that several years later, many people are still grieving and in pain. They are completely shocked. We have this norm in our society that seems to say that the first year will be hard but then somehow magically, on the anniversary date, the switch flips and things are fine. I've still got a lot of time to go before I even finish off the first year, but I feel much better prepared for what may come thanks to all of you. It's a comfort to have this community that DOES understand, even when those physically closest to us do not.

I guees I'm different from most. I'm a loner and was pleased when everyone stopped coming around but my kids/family. I wanted to get used to my new life yet still have my old alone life if that makes sence.
They are still your friends their life didn't change with our loss so life as they know it still went on the same.

Unfortunately it happens more often than you think. I have included an article written on New York Times.
http://www.dailystrength.org/people/5057601/journal/14190769

We have no choice but to be thrust on this roller-coaster ride. But most people don't like to have to deal with grief again and again, and subsequently choose to avoid if they have the option to do so.

Forgiving is one choice, forfeiting is another. What you choose is pretty much up to you. If you met someone who has the compassion and the patience to continue be a calming influence, those people are special, as Ruth alluded.

Scottie you weren't being a hard-ass :) I liked your post!

Katie2016 I'm sorry for your loss xx I'm 40 and yes none of the friends I did(do) have ever experienced a loss like mine. And yes I love the community here too! They may not be friends IRL, however I have found some way better than those.