I think you should call the neighbor across the street and ask her out to lunch. She was there for you for 8 solid days? I wouldn't give up on that one. She probably is giving you "space" because she doesn't know what you need now. She still has her husband so she doesn't have a clue.

The others you owe nothing to them - zip. That being said, you should approach them only with what YOU want to give to them, not what they think they may be entitled to from you. If you don't want to give anything of yourself to them, then don't! One of the great things about being a grown-up is that we get to dump useless people from our lives.

My love, my time, my compassion, are mine to give. I get to choose. So do you.

Hope this helps. Love and Hugs, Martha

Act like nothing ever happened, but know that they are not the sort of friends you can rely on when the chips are down. In other words, find new, more supportive friends, and keep the old as aquantances.

It's a sad fact, but lots of so-called friends who are married don't want you around thier spouses. I call it Debbie Reynolds-Elizabeth Taylor syndrome. Then you have the other people who are so distressed being around you ('cause our predicament reminds them that one day this will happen to them) they rather not. It's a sign of their own weakness. Still, a friend is someone who is their no matter what.

One of my favorite television series is Starsky and Hutch. These two men love and support each other no matter how bleak things are. It's a pleasure to watch the show and to read the fanfiction that out there because of this. Would that all friendships be this way.

Personally, I don't have any friends. I have aquantances. And I don't have but a few familly members who truly care.

It is very hurtful and I have sat and imagined a face to face with certainf people too. But, I have come to the conclusion that they mean nothing to me anymore and when I see them i will acknowledge them and just not offer up any information on my new life. Yes, My new life..

Right now it is a very sad life. It is not the life I had with Rob. I will never be the same person without him but I will have to reinvent myself. I am taking this oppourtunity to examine my life, my preferences, my desires, my choices from this point, well maybe not this point at this point I still paralysed, I do not want to waste the time I have left in less than meaningful exercise. So althought I can't move forward, I will not move backward. If people haven't been in my life throughout the rough journey there is no reason I need to backtrack for them. Right now I am standing still but it beats spinning my wheels with some people, Yes, people say this experience will redefine you, including the people in your life. It seems true and an opportunity to clean house so to speak. Love and Hugs, Donna

The only way I would see you finally talking to these people again would be if you ran into them. Doesn't sound to me like you are going to any time soon.

Excluding your sister, do you really need these people in your life?

I encountered the same thing with one friend. When my husband was ill, she sat in my kitchen one day and promised me she would be there for me when he passed. She has been anything but. I know it has bothered her because a couple times she has mentioned not calling. She has asked if I am dissapointed or annoyed, and I respond "yes". But her trend continues the way it is.

I have gone on and discovered new activities and new friends. Now when the old ones call to see if I am available to spend time with them, I'm not.

In retrospect, I really didn't have to do anything. Remember the old saying, "What goes around, comes around".

It is funny the way people act/react. There have been some people that I would not have expected to be a major support who have stepped up to the plate and made an effort to standby me.

Then there are the people who I thought would walk through fire for me who have really let me down.

My best friend for the last 35 years has called and let 2 voicemail messages in 7 weeks. She calls whem I'm at work, so she knows I won't be home. She hasn't even taken the time to send a message on facebook. I haven't returned her calls. I will eventually, but right now, I don't know what I would say.

My mother, who calls once a week, asks me how I am, doesn't even wait for the answer, and starts on a 45 minute disertation about the latest argument she has had with my Dad and how she can't stand it any more (they've been married for 55 years). I just let her talk and then get off the phone as quickly as I graciously can. ...she is my Mother after all.

I think as we move forward in our new lives, we will be amazed at the people who will befriend us and saddened by those that will fall away.

Your neighbor who was with you for all those days in the hospital, I would take her some flowers and sit with her and thank her for her support and reestablish your friendship. I would write your sister a letter letting her know how deserted or however you feel about her lack of interest in you. The others, unless you run into them ot they call you, you have nothing to lose by expressing how you feel about how they have handled their "friendship" with you since the death of your husband. There are ways of saying things that aren't offensive but allow you to state your feelings. Who knows what these people who were your friends are thinking anyway..Mostly I wouldn't worry about them..

In response to the "write your sister a letter" - I did this many years ago. This is not new behavior. However, a year ago she did pay for me to go on a cruise with her and my mother and we had a great time. But several years ago I wrote my sister a letter telling her I was hurt by her lack of interest in me, etc. (It had been going on for years) I knew I was taking a chance but I wasn't the only one who felt that way - my mother and her own daughter did too. Her husband's relatives came first - and now they aren't in her life very much because her husband went into a NH in his late 50's. So anyway, I thought she would be upset about how she had behaved over the years -I did it in a nice way - I wanted to improve the relationship. She was so furious (because she never does anything wrong) that she didn't really speak to me for a couple of years.

I really appreciate all the comments - I have just been working myself up and becoming more upset as each day passed. If one of them had contacted me during one of my "bad" moments I don't know what I would have said. Possibly something I might have regretted.

My old friend -I'm giving up on. She's the one I'm most upset with because I came right out and told her how I felt. She keeps saying - "call me" but - I have good friends in other states if I want to talk on the phone - I want to see a real person.

The neighbor - I think she probably is clueless. I appear to be just fine to everyone. The neighbor and her husband both still have their parents alive and in good health. I'm sure she has no idea how I feel.

I have another friend who was wonderful in the beginning - even buying me gifts, etc. but I haven't spoken to her for a while. I suppose at some point I will call her and ask her out as well. In the meantime - I'm starting to make "new" friends. The whole thing is just hard when you don't have anyone to fall back on anymore. My mother calls every day - thank goodness she's still here.

i am in the same boat with my so called best friend. we have been attached at the hips since we were 14, and the week of my husbands passing and funeral she said she would be here at my home the whole week, then dissappeared for two days to her moms down the road, still telling her fiance that she and her daughter were at my house. then she had the nerve to get up at my husbands funeral and say she was my rock, my everything now, and we would do this together. shortly after she came up with the idea to do a spaghetti dinner to raise money to pay off the funeral and help with medical bills. she only came up with the idea, then sat back while we all worked our tails off and total strangers did more. then she just posts to facebook about how unappreciated she is, and how though its my wedding anniversary(this is in novemeber and we had planned a big girls night in to keep me distracted) she decided that i was too down and she needed to worry about her own life. all of our friendship i have been the giver, now i needed her and she could not give. the thing i have learned is that until you go through this yourself, you will never be able to understand. i have since distanced myself from all of these negative influences in my life. you owe absolutely nobody anything. just be the best you you can be, and if people don't learn that you are forever changed, and can't change with you, then they will have to change and grow apart from you, keep your head up, and know that for every 1 person who fails you, there are 5 who will be there to pick you up.
amber

When David died, I heard from one, count them, one of my so-called 'relatives'. No cards, no phone calls, nothing. My mother was there for support, my youngest daughter, and the friends from my congregation. They more than made up for what those others lacked in love. They(the congregation) were my family then and they are my family more so now. The words they speak are true, from the heart and with my best interest in mind.

I had to let go of the bitterness I felt towards my 'family'. It wasn't hurting them, they didn't know or care, it was only wasting my time thinking and stewing over it. If I should run into one of them now, and they begin to spout something, I'll probably stop them and let them know they needn't bother. The time for those words is long past, and have a nice life. :)

I had the same problem after my husbands funeral. My family was always there, but most of my friends stayed away. That lasted for most for about a week and a half and they started calling again. It seemed like forever for me though because I really need their support. I do think they just did not know how to handle the situation and didn't want to say or do anything to upset me. Perhaps it is the same with your friends. Try not to dwell on it and focus on anything positive. Try to get out there and make some new friends and definitely come here and talk to your on line friends. I hope it gets better for you

Pat

wow this is like an epidemic, don't people even think evryone of these stories sounds so much like my own.

One of the hardest things I have had to deal with was the "social dynamic" of this whole rotten situation. Not only did my relationship with Mike change, but seems like with everyone else to, especially those that we knew together as a couple. Some changed for the better, inviting me out to do things and that has been fun. Some changed for the worse, but I say if they aren't willing to make some kind of effort, then its their loss, not yours. We all change after going through this life changing event and it does change us as people.

"I think of you every day?" Really? I just choked on my coffee.

I have one friend who this thread brings to mind. We were friends in college and I knew her long before I met my husband and before I had my children now 20 and 29yrs old. So we have known each other for a long time. This person would come to my house every time we had a bar b cue and would be the last to leave. When I called her to tell her that my husband had passed, she said she was so busy and since it was near Easter she told me she had so much to do that she would probably not make it.. She was also having problems with her own husband who knew my Robert in their growing up years at the time. This friend of mine said she didn't think she was coming because he(her husband) might be there and she went on and on. Finally I said to her I cannot talk to you right now about this and ended the conversation. This person called me a month or so after my husband passed and I let her call and all the rest of her calls throughout the year go one the machine. Her last call she left a message saying that she just wanted to know how we were doing.She asked for me to please contact her by phone or facebook. I called her back when I knew she would not be home. I left a message that we were okay and gave her a slight update(my older son had gotten married) and told her I am busy with my mom who has Alzheimer's and she can best reach me by my e-mail as I don't do facebook. This may sound cold but when she had no time for me when my husband first passed it sort of dissolved my friendship in me with her.

In answering your question, I would just write them off. People are strange sometimes and they are difficult to understand. I would move on. Sometimes you can form new friends who are truer than your old friends. You could keep your conversation short and just say hello when and if you see them and gotta go. Short and sweet.