Widows & Widowers Support Group

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How to handle sticky family situation

marysch
marysch
My brother got divorced 10 years ago and dislikes her extremely. He was betrayed by her. But my husband and I kept in touch with her over the years and chose not to judge as there are always two sides to a story and that we are all human and make mistakes. When my husband became ill with cancer, I talked to her almost everyday . She has given me total support and care and always listens to me. She has become my very best friend. I'm currently visiting her at her home for a few weeks. I did not tell my brother whom I was staying with on my visit, as I have a few other friends in this area as well and just sidestepped that issue. Well I believe he has figured it out because I haven't heard a word from him since I've been gone. He is remarried and very happy and she is a nice person. I normally hear from him a bit on email or phone call. So I don't know how to handle this. I don't want to lose my relationship with him as he has been supportive to me and I love him. But I also don't won't to lose my friendship with a person I feel truly cares about me and has been such a good friend to me. He is not confrontational, so I don't think he will bring it up, but I sense he knows. Any advice or thoughts?
jewells1
jewells1
Good one Mary, Just write and keep him updated , you don't need to mention her. He knows I'm sure, but out of respect and love of his current wife...I would keep them separate.

Hard but you don't have to lose them.
Parmela
Parmela
I'd be completely honest with him. He may be more angry that you haven't been honest with him than with you having a relationship with his x-wife.

True friends are so hard to find, I wouldn't sacrifice one very easily.

Keep us posted on how it goes.
barbarame
barbarame
Well you know, YOU never got a divorce from her and you are quite entitled to remain her friend. In any case, brother has remarried. Next time you do chat to him, do not make a special deal about her, just drop something small like, " I was chatting to Jane and she gave me a good recipe for oat cookies. If he says I never thought you were still in contact, just say,"Oh yes. She has been very good to me and we are good friends" Then change the subject ' possibly" What did you two do this weekend?"
Community LeaderShrn
Shrn
As the 4th response I'm not sure how to weigh in. My first reaction was to keep in touch and ask if everyone is okay since you haven't heard from him. I don't see a point in bringing up his X wife or where you are staying, but concentrate on what you're doing instead.

My experience is similar in my son and his wife split years ago and I remain close to her still. She's the mother of my grandchildren and a good mom. I'm lucky, because he agrees. Sharon
Community Leadercliffskat
cliffskat
It may feel difficult to keep your two relationships separate, but separate is what they are. Your brother can't choose your friends, and I am sure you had nothing to do with the breakup of their marriage. They truly are separate things from your relationship with your brother. If your brother brings it up, you can tell him honestly just as you have told us. He should be glad you are getting the support, and there must have been reasons why they loved each other in the first place. It may not actually be such a big deal to him as it has been 10 years and he has moved on into a new marriage. His silence right now may be because you are there with his ex and does not want to reconnect with her, whether for his own sake or the sake of his new wife.

Just my two cents....

Love and Hugs,
Martha
Marylking
Marylking
Hi Mary,
So glad to hear you are traveling and visiting your "Friend". I had my brother here visiting a few weeks back and while he was here he called my ex husband who lives a few miles away from me. Before he did so he asked me how I felt about it, I said I divorced him after 23 years of marriage, you became friends with him. No problem just please don't feel I need to or want to hear about him. He said fare enough and off they went to the mountains for the day.
HONESTY is THE best POLICY... I would simply email him or telephone him and state that you are having a nice time at her house put her name. Tell him you hope this doesn't hurt him in anyway, but that she was great support to you while your husband was passing and if it hadn't been for him, you never would of been blessed with such a friend. Thank him for that and tell him you are looking forward to spending time with him when you return home.
Keep it light and honest, it is separate he is family as is his new wife, his ex is your friend. Keep me posted on how it works out... BTW I have lost my second spouse and my ex is engaged to be married. So I say honesty because we do not know what the future brings...
Best of luck,
Mary