Hi Everyone,
This is my first time writing anything on this site besides the one day in July that I uploaded my profile. Thank you Doye and Sharon for giving me a hug..I really appreciated that. I just started following again recently and find such piece knowing that there are others going through the same unbelievable heartache and pain. I have been consumed with taking care of my four children and the finances (no trust and no life insurance) since my husbands passing almost a year ago. He was 59 and I am 49 years old. I have a question for anyone who has the time to respond.
My husband was cremated and the kids and I wanted to spread his ashes out in the ocean just beyond the church he loved. The church has a beautiful memorial area for the kids, family and friends to sit and think about him. Even though my husband never verbalized this is where he wanted to be, I had alway verbalized to him and the children that if I was to go first that is where I would want to be. My husband did not think he was going to die and didn't like talking about the subject. He instead would say things like, "oh just bury me outside with the dogs". I know that my husband would want to be where I will finally be and the kids have made it very clear that since there is not a place with a headstone to go visit their dad that they would like ALL of his ashes kept together for the scattering so that when they look out into the ocean they can feel like all of him is there.
The problem is that his two sisters do not like this idea because one, they want part of his ashes and two, they think he would want to be scattered somewhere on land. My husband loved the ocean and one of our first dates was with him taking me sailing. We originally wanted to scatter his ashes quietly by ourselves on his birthday xmas eve but since his sisters wanted to be there, we had to wait and I have chartered a boat for next weekend just so they can be present. It feels very awkward now knowing their true wishes. I know it is going to be difficult when we finally let go of his ashes but I also wanted it to be a quiet peaceful moment. I let his sisters be present at his bedside when we had to take him off life support and it was there that I noticed we grieve very differently. I know they have also experienced a tremendous loss and I want to be fair. I was married to my husband for 25 years and with him for 28 and I know that what would make him most happy is to make his children and myself happy. I am so torn as to whether I should give them part of the ashes even though I know my children do not want it that way. As for when I told his sisters that my husband would want to be where I am, one responded with, " you do know that the ocean currents will take the ashes away so you will not actually be together".
We have always gotten along over the years but this has really caused some uneasy feelings especially with one of them. Neither of them have children so I'm not sure if they understand completely. My children are 13, 16, 21 and 23. Our oldest had been in and out of the hospital for almost 6 months and had just come home from one of his hospital stays when my husband passed. He is still home recovering from a devastating virus that caused him to have what's called a guillian-barre variant. He was only one trimester away from graduating from UCSB. The doctor's have not cleared him to go back to school or work. That's a whole other story!!! I just want to do what is right. Am I being selfish keeping all of his ashes together for the scattering at sea? Thank you and bless you all for sharing during this difficult journey we share.
Lynne