DJC, I feel your pain, and anger, and frustration, and fear. This is normal. It is still very very raw; your loss is recent. Of course, grieving is an individual process, and it's hard to say when it will be over (for many, never). But it will be getting easier down the road, it will be getting better, believe me. For now it's just suffering and pain and longing; and all those feelings and emotions are necessary steps for healing and transformation into a different you.

I will say that time does help. I remember all of the feelings you mentioned. I just wanted to know when it would end. It changes, very slowly but you need to feel it all to get to a better place. I didn’t do anything in particular. Mostly kept very busy. I still miss my man but I can cope better and it doesn’t consume me in the same way. It sounds like you are being pro active in seeking help. Those are all good steps in the right direction. Keep venting here and get it all out. I read and prayed and spoke with mediums and prayed some more. I read about the afterlife and heaven and everything I could to understand what had happened and where he was. Eventually I came to a point where the pain subsided. Yes the pain will always be there, but you adjust and learn to cope. I hope you find some peace. Marybeth

I understand how you feel about your plans changing. That is exactly how I feel. We had just bought our forever home and had so many plans for it. I had to sell it and I miss it so much. My whole life plan has changed and I just feel stuck right now. i don't know what to do somedays.

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband almost 11 years ago and I remember the pain of when it was only two months when the pain felt so fresh. I would say it does get easier but does not ever go away; personally, it took a lot of time for me. I still sometimes go backward; when I am overwhelmed or stressed out or if there is a holiday or big event, I do miss him (I cried my eyes out the Saturday before Christmas). I would say give it time and allow yourself to feel everything without being hard on yourself. Hugs to you.

The night before he died, Cliff and I talked and talked about all of our plans for the future. Our plans for after the youngest graduated, our plans for the family business he had started with the eldest, our plans for the next year, and even our plans for the next day. The following morning he died of a heart attack - his first, last, and only at the youngish age of 55.

All of our plans, all of my plans, all of our plans for our family - poof! Gone! How do you start over? How do you go back to square one on everything?? By one tiny baby step at a time....

I have rebuilt my life since then. It doesn't look very much like it did before Cliff died, but for the most part it is good. It wasn't easy, but I'm all right. I guess one thing was to recognize that it will never feel like it was "fair" to lose him like that, on the edge of all our plans coming to fruition. I had to accept that I would always feel it was unfair no matter what, then put that feeling and anger to one side and get on with living. That was hard but necessary for me.

I will always miss Cliff - there was nobody like him and never will be. But the grief and pain of his loss is no longer overwhelming, nor is it the first and last thoughts of my day. I own my grief now, it doesn't own me. Sometimes I have a bad patch, but I know I can bounce back because I have before, and even that gives me a bit of courage to keep going.

I hope your pain begins to ease.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

Hi Martha, my husband also died of a sudden massive heart attack; his first and last...gone within five minutes. So I can relate to the suddenness (is that even a word?) of the passing. Like you, my grief is not the first thought in the morning or the last thought at night, however it's with me through the day, sort of like a background that continues to move with me. But after 11 years, it is no longer as intense for the most part; it's now raring it's ugly head because of some uncertain life changes.
DJC, I hope you are having an okay day today; hugs to you.

Thanks. That explains it background music. The grief plays in the background all the time now. I have friends and distractions. I even found myself singing the other day. I felt a little normal like myself. Then It felt like someone pulled a shade. Normal over. I’m tearful now cause I just miss him. The tears are for me cause I completely have faith he is alright. The tears are cause I miss him. I keep flashing on moments they are happy moments. But they make me tear up.

Hi Martha,

My husband died Feb 2016, I still miss him very much and feel that he was taken unfairly. I worked that night and when I arrived home I knew there was something wrong- he would always come out and greet me. I ran inside and he was dead in the bathroom. 51 year old, healthy strong man- gone. I try not to be bitter and did have a difficult 2 years after he died. I am getting better but I still think about the what if's and how much we talked about getting old and retiring together. I feel like I am getting better at accepting his loss- but I still miss him so much. I understand how you feel and what helps me is to hang out with my grown children and also make time for myself so that I can attempt to find the new me. Take care, my prayers are with you and anyone that has lost a loved one. I now know how much hurt and pain this causes someone.

I get it DJC, I go between anger-lethargy-depression-sadness. So unfair-that these spouses are gone too soon. I can only hope I can get my motivation back to want to do something-it is like nothing matters now that he is gone. I did love to do so many things, but have absolutely no interest in anything. I miss my husband and just want him back. He was the only person in my whole screwed up life that I could really rely on to be there no matter what. I have never in my whole life had stability until him, and he has been ripped away from me. It's like I am only half of a person-and the half that is useless.

Dee1 yes I understand. My guy knew me all of me And he still loved me lol. I’m a piece of work. I feel that ripped away. I’m exposed and he was my shield from the nonsense. I’m still nervous and paranoid. Still in the fog. Been hibernating past few days. But I have people to get me out. Make me face the world. I hide from them sometimes too. But Dee1 keep trying Even if you just sit on the porch step or in the car. Get out. Don’t have to be to somewhere. Just out. What you do is strengthen your “out” muscle. You will fell less vulnerable. At least that’s what I did. Oh I’m still working on it but baby steps. I wish you all well.

DJC, I totally hear you about remembering the good times and becoming sad or crying. When my husband first died, and sometimes even now, I experience that as well. People used to tell me to take comfort in the memories and I remember saying to my cousin that it's easy to say that (and I knew they meant well; perhaps just did not know what to say) but the memories reiterated for me that he was never coming back and then I would cry. I've managed to sometimes remember good times and not cry, but a sadness still sort of looms when I remember, although not as strong a sadness as say the first year or two...