November 29 was the one year anniversary of my husband's passing. This Christmas has been horrible I cry at the drop of a hat and everything makes me weep. I find there really is no one that can understand in my life the depth of pain I'm in. They are supportive but in a way I don't want to drag them into my pit with me because I truly hope they don't have to ever go through anything like this. I am not ok i spent the last year throwing myself into home Reno's and mindless work. Hoping for relief but I'm still as broken hearted as ever.

pmoore30, I'm four days behind you. My husband passed on the 25th after a 20-day battle with pancreatic cancer. I can't even really say it was a battle, because he passed away before his first chemo appointment, and we only got the confirmed diagnosis one week before. He was 49. I went back to work last week and it's been helpful for me. I'm really struggling to be at home, even though my Mom is staying with me for the time being. Our home is so lonely. We don't have kids, just our cat.

I don't know what part of Michigan you're in, but this website might point you to a support group within driving distance: www.griefshare.org If it's manageable, I think you would find it very beneficial to be surrounded by others who don't know your pain per se; but they understand.

I'm already seeing a grief counselor who urges me to journal. This forum has a Journal entry section, and I've been using that, but not sharing it with anyone just yet.

Coping just doesn't seem to be the right word. I'd say I'm barely existing right now. But I am getting out of bed every day and that's a huge victory! Please be kind and patient with yourself. That's what I keep telling myself.

Many, many {{{{hugs}}}}} to you.

Shannon and Denver, your pain sounds like my pain. Today at work was hard. Everything was just as I had left it. When I last left it was a Monday and everything was ok and I was going to work Tuesday and Wednesday and have the next 2 days off for Thanksgiving. Not seeing my phone light up all day with text messages from my husband. Not having him ask me what time I was leaving work. Unbearable. And it hurts more and more each day.

I read a story today about a local couple who perished together in a car accident caused by a wrong way driver and I became jealous, angry even. Wondering why couldn’t I leave with my love. This has to get better or my heart will physically die.

Dear pmooore 30, Isn't it strange how your thoughts are almost totally of him. My husband and I did everything together too, but I never realized how much of my thought life revolved around him also. When two people are so entertwined, it leaves a gaping wound when one dies. People and work can be a balm that helps to cover that wound, but it takes a long time for it to "scab over" and begin to heal. Then there are times when someone or something rip the scab back open and the bleeding begins again. You have to walk through this time. My husband was 39 when he died unexpectedly from a work accident. I was 38. I had just had our sixth child. There is no escaping the fact that he is gone and that somehow you must keep on. You don't want to, but there is no choice. I must confess that I was nothing but a fruitcake for about 3 years. I got through it with the help of three very wonderful friends who prayed for me, a grief counselor who was a pastor in our area, (He really made me mad when he would speak hard truths.) and a new realization that God was real and close to me and cared for me. I am here to report that you will get through this. I will be praying that God will carry you through, just as He did me.

So true, Cupolatte. We will always miss our loved ones. I went to a funeral today to support someone who has been very supportive of me for the last 4 weeks. And, I got a message I didn’t expect from the sermon today. It was very comforting. The first 2 pastors spoke of death as a celebration, which isn’t how we are able to see it. But the last pastor acknowledged the sorrow of death in a poignant way. He actually used a Charlie Brown and Lucy analogy but it was very on point for the deep grief death causes. I also saw 2 people at that funeral who were at my husband’s funeral and the love they showed me was overwhelming. Then I saw another one of his friends before I got back to work and more love. I realized that his friends and family are not going to forget him or me. His death was too much of a shock to everyone. So from the time I got home, texts and phone calls and in between I’ve been going through my photos in my phone and listening to my favorite music. And for the first time since he died, tonight I have more smiles than tears. I don’t know how long this peace will last, but I am clinging to it. Thank God for the memories and the love we showed each other. Some people never know love like ours. You all have to hold onto that. We loved, were loved and are loved. Surround yourselves with supportive family and friends. Ask them, what are you doing today. It’s okay to ask if you can join them or if they will join you in doing something.

Hello again pmoore, I am so glad that your memories and friends were able to bring you comfort. Not all days will be like this. You will surely have ups and downs. I will continue to pray for you and asking God to be your comfort and strength.

I’m still here Cupolatte, a wounded soul. But, I continue to draw strength from my friends and family and this site. Thank you for your prayers. I need them.

Dear pmoore30 I would be happy to talk an meet up with you,I live in Michigan.I lost my husband Nov. 2016 to cancer,such a hard journey but i am still here an would be willing to listen.

Veijo, that would be great. Are you in the Detroit metro area of Michigan? Please message me.

Hello pmoore,
my spouse passed Sept 19th from a six year battle with lung cancer. Every time I have to do something new for the first time alone, that we used to do together, it's excruciating. and a total tear fest.

I stood home alone with my pets for Thanksgiving and will do so again for Christmas. I did return to work immediately, because I could not b home along all day long every day and not spiral downward( i also suffer from depression and PTSD)

But there is no where else I want to be when I'm not working but home. In my home is the remnant of our life together and out in the world is the empty space beside me now because I am alone.

I'm not sure what the answer is for us other than to shed the tears. It is how we cleanse the soul. I think . hang in there. triple hugs

Nancy, I break down frequently. I can be driving or working and something about him will just hit me like a ton of bricks. I know you know what I’m talking about. But I agree that home is a comforting place for me for the same reasons it is for you. I initially dreaded the idea of being here without him, but there’s a peace I get from being here. I still cry like crazy tho. Many hugs to you.

I just read that you and Veijo may be able to get together. What a good thing that would be. I pray for you every day, usually between 10:00am and 11:00. I pray for everyone in this group in the evening too. I tell you this so that you will know you know that love and concern as well as hugs are coming to you from Florida during those hours.

What a blessing you are, Cupolatte. Thank you. I have been able to pray for others, but not myself.