Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
I lost my husband on the 14th of Nov, 2015 as some of you know. He had a massive heart attack in our car as I was driving us to help a friend move. He was laughing and joking around when the attack hit. So basically he died in our Jeep.
He had just retired the 26th of July and turned 62 on Aug 9th. Our 8th wedding Anniversary was the 12th of Aug. We had so many plans, he'd taken over a piece of property and we'd been building it and fixing it up. Now I have to give it up because I can't afford to live in it and build it myself. I'm only 46 so I can't get his SS money because the government is too damn f'ing greedy and wants to keep it all basically. He'd just seen his doctor three days before for lower back pain and leg pain he'd been experiencing. His doctors all believed it was a pinched nerve in his lower back most likely from an motorcycle accident he'd had back in his 20s. I'd had ppl suggest it might be a blood clot so asked him to ask his doctor about it. I have no clue if he did or not all I know is his check-up went good and his doctor had even taken him off his blood pressure medication.
My husband didn't have a mean bone in his body, he loved helping people no matter if they deserved it or not. Even his ex-wife who had made the last 12 years of their marriage a living hell. She'd had 3 misscarrigaes and because she hadn't taken care of herself, they'd lost their daughter Faith when she was a year and a half old. Her birthday is tomorrow and I'll be putting flowers on her grave for my husband.
Why in the name that is all in charge did you take my husband? We had so many plans and dreams an he'd never one anything to anyone? How do I deal with this anger that seems to be the only thing keeping me going? I want to scream, cry and break the crap out of things. But, I'm afraid if I do, the pain and anger will explode and I'll be nothing left, that I'll fall so far that I won't be able to come back up again. That I'll have to deal with the fact that he's actually gone and not just on an adventure and he'll be home or call me soon. I know this part isn't right because I have his ashes next to me. I'm seeing a counselor an I'm hoping to go to my 2nd group meeting with Hospice tomorrow even though it's only got 2 people in it and the lady running it is only 23yrs old. NO offense to her an the group but I've been in her spot helping others and I honestly got a wake up call on this side of the fence. But, I have no idea what to do or how to go about letting this anger and accepting the fact my husband my soul-mate, my best friend is no longer with me and I don't even know if I'll ever actually see him again - not really the religious type but I'm hoping their is something after this lifetime an I'll be with him again.
He had just retired the 26th of July and turned 62 on Aug 9th. Our 8th wedding Anniversary was the 12th of Aug. We had so many plans, he'd taken over a piece of property and we'd been building it and fixing it up. Now I have to give it up because I can't afford to live in it and build it myself. I'm only 46 so I can't get his SS money because the government is too damn f'ing greedy and wants to keep it all basically. He'd just seen his doctor three days before for lower back pain and leg pain he'd been experiencing. His doctors all believed it was a pinched nerve in his lower back most likely from an motorcycle accident he'd had back in his 20s. I'd had ppl suggest it might be a blood clot so asked him to ask his doctor about it. I have no clue if he did or not all I know is his check-up went good and his doctor had even taken him off his blood pressure medication.
My husband didn't have a mean bone in his body, he loved helping people no matter if they deserved it or not. Even his ex-wife who had made the last 12 years of their marriage a living hell. She'd had 3 misscarrigaes and because she hadn't taken care of herself, they'd lost their daughter Faith when she was a year and a half old. Her birthday is tomorrow and I'll be putting flowers on her grave for my husband.
Why in the name that is all in charge did you take my husband? We had so many plans and dreams an he'd never one anything to anyone? How do I deal with this anger that seems to be the only thing keeping me going? I want to scream, cry and break the crap out of things. But, I'm afraid if I do, the pain and anger will explode and I'll be nothing left, that I'll fall so far that I won't be able to come back up again. That I'll have to deal with the fact that he's actually gone and not just on an adventure and he'll be home or call me soon. I know this part isn't right because I have his ashes next to me. I'm seeing a counselor an I'm hoping to go to my 2nd group meeting with Hospice tomorrow even though it's only got 2 people in it and the lady running it is only 23yrs old. NO offense to her an the group but I've been in her spot helping others and I honestly got a wake up call on this side of the fence. But, I have no idea what to do or how to go about letting this anger and accepting the fact my husband my soul-mate, my best friend is no longer with me and I don't even know if I'll ever actually see him again - not really the religious type but I'm hoping their is something after this lifetime an I'll be with him again.
Thanks hun! I know the pain and anger I'm dealing with is normal. It's just all so consumming sometimes. And everyone I know has been great on letting me do my things and being their when I need them. I've only ha a couple people tell me to get over it and had one person actually tell me to go find another husband! Seriously!! Shakes head. This was only a few weeks after my husband past away. I know David would want me to find someone eventually. He wouldn't want me alone in my older years. But, that is the furthest thing from my mind right now. Plus, I know I will NEVER marry again. The stuff I get from the funeral home isn't too bad actually. I picked a good one for David's viewing. He only wanted to be as we both called it BBQ'd and then have a party. LOL! But, because of the suddeness of his heart attack and no one not even me got to say goodbye. I chose to have a seven hour viewing for the family. It turned out quite well thank be the gods. Most days I'm doing okay, doing what needs to be done, thanks to a great boss and friends and family. But, other times I feel like I'm a nuclear bomb about to go off and it scares the holy hell out of me. And then I turn to crying and it helps. I used to have a severe bad temper so bad sometimes I'd black out because I'd keep things bottled up inside. I've learned to tame it with talking and crying or cooking everything up in the house LOL! But, this is a whole new saga. I honestly find myself going about my day waiting and writing things down FB which is a tight group of friends and family - what I've done that day to him. But still it's hard and some days I seriously do not want to continue on without him. But, I suck it up and know he'd be mad as hell at me if I left the kids (our 12 cats) along with our families and friends. To be honest I'd give anything right now to have him back or to have my memory wiped of all this pain!
Understand, I am not trying to push this view on others. it is just how my husband felt.
I was angry, thinking that "Oh, so the very first chance he got to answer his God's call to meet Him, husband went. He got out of hard times down on earth" but left me here. etc.
so I was not angry at God, but at husband first.
AND for me being left here with such deep grief.
but that lasted only a short time. THEN my own deep anguish hit HARD.
So all I'm saying is, anger is different for each of us.
AND I don't really even think it was all my husband's choice. but anger does not have to make sense to the person who feels anger.
It is just a form of our own pain, or reaction to our hurting.
Maybe this perspective will just help someone see that we can all feel nuts in emotion.
I did.
Anger was easier for me than deeply missing him.
and easier than the pain of separation from him.
When anger left, my emotional pain is so much more unbearable than being mad.
I just had to talk out my anger with a couple friends who understood and accepted it, and me feeling that way. ONLY my closest friends.
NO family! They would not have understood me feeling that way AT ALL.
TO EACH, OUR OWN emotions! they come and go.
For me, anger was easier than GRIEF of truly missing him. It was a defense mechanism to shield me from deeper grief.
My love to you, Patty.