Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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drew4lostluv 05/25/2013

I have been with my wife for 10 years. She died on March 3rd. Now I have to relearn how to socialize with people, So I thought why not join a social club. I found a group in town and it seemed like it would be a good start. I went to see a movie tonight with the group and I enjoyed the company very much, But then I was asked to accompany them to a restaurant and eat. This means that I would have to talk. I said OK and I went. I was the newest member so they asked what I liked to do. I told them that I don't know. I explained about my wife and what I liked to do when we were together and what I liked to do before I was with her. I wanted this not be about my wife but she was my life for 10 years. I would like to have something to talk about besides my wife but I don't know how to do that. These people were very interesting and I wasn't . How do I get my life in a place where I feel confident enough to go out and appear to have a life. I still love my wife but why cant I talk about something besides her.

Lady101 05/25/2013

Drew, slow down and don't sell yourself short. I have a feeling that the people you went out with understood a lot more than you think. Once you explained about losing your wife, I'm sure nobody expected you to become the social butterfly. Give yourself a pat on the back for just getting out of the house....that is a big step when you are hurting like you are. And as for not having a lot to say....listening is just fine for now.

Since I'm at just 7 months, I don't claim to be the fount of wisdom. But I do know that hiding in the house won't make our loved ones happy and it won't help us work our way through our grief. Stepping out in the world right now takes some courage. Go at your own pace. Be kind to your self.

Sending you gentle hugs and prayers .
Blessings,
Sharon

drew4lostluv 05/25/2013

Sharon You are wiser than you think. Thank you

mel40 05/25/2013

That is AWESOME! Way to go! So, you discovered a first of what you enjoy. Going out with people! I guess the movie was good? I'm glad you are getting out as well. I've discovered that many people hide away in their home and isolate. Guess that works for some, but I can't imagine that it is helpful in getting on or healing. How did you find this group? Meetup.com?

deleted_user 05/25/2013

You are out there, you have something to share, and the right group will help your network grow. Remember, it is so-called weak-links (a friend of a friend) that help us more than strong links (close family). It's called small world model and it's true.
Keep stepping into your life, because widowerhood is our life. Might as well live it.

deleted_user 05/25/2013

Drew...You did great, making a big first step socializing. I admire you. This is one of my highest-hurdles. I am not/never have been much of a "socializer". My husband made "us" balance. He was more out-going than I and "we" had plenty of friends/casual friends...because of him.

I am far more comfortable having a few very close friends/family; but now that Mark points out "weak links" and "strong links"...I have had an AH-HA...

It will be a healthy step for me to forge more "weak links". As much as I enjoy my "strong links"...all these persons are dealing with the loss of the same loved-one I am. We are supporting each other...essential mutual empathy...but I think that can lead to my dependence on just-my-intimate-circle. I need to stretch my own individual circle....in small steps, very small...or I will scare myself and go hide under the bed.

deleted_user 05/25/2013

I will closely watch this thread for answers to your question "How do I put myself out there". I need a LOTTA help !!!

Scouserboots 05/25/2013

Very positive step forward. Socializing is something I find hard to do, but have been doing during the past couple of days with friends, something I did not imagine I could ever do a couple of weeks ago. My focus during conversations was about my wife. They understand that my wife is my world, as I am sure the people you talked with can also understand that to be true for you. Our spouses will always be a big part of us.

drew4lostluv 05/26/2013

Thanks guys I'm a shy guy when I first meet someone so I usually prefer not to be all that social. But I Realized that if I want to enjoy life I have to just go out their and do it. I would love to go out there and be the life of the party but first I have to learn how to better interact with people, Which I wasn't good at before I was married. I want to learn how to be better than I was. So I am going to interact with as many people as I can and learn how to be more social.
I am starting a new chapter In my life and with the help of you all who have commented on my multiple posts. I will make better decisions in life and therefore making my life better.

drew4lostluv 05/26/2013

thanks

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