Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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Emptyinside2269 07/30/2018

It's been 7 1/2 weeks already. And it still feels like yesterday. I want the Pain to End. I might have one good day and it's followed by miserable on top of miserable. I still can't sleep. Everywhere I look everything I touch every song I hear every show on TV I see every scent I smell reminds me of him. I can't even take out a pot or pan because it reminds me of the day I made our last dinner together the night before this nightmare happened. I was always the person that everyone came to with their problems and I was supposed to solve everything and save the world. Now I don't even know how to save myself. I cry almost every day. I'm alone almost everyday. I don't know how to get through this. I never thought I would be joining a group online. I don't even do Facebook. I actually went to a bereavement group 3 weeks after my husband passed. It was either not the thing for me or I went too soon. When I'm home I don't want to leave the house. When I leave the house I don't want to come home. We sold our other home and bought a condemned home 4 years ago. Because my husband made a statement that he wanted to rebuild another home before he died. He loved to build. And that's pretty much what killed him. The morning that he had his heart attack he was building a platform for our generator. He finished came inside and just collapsed. He knew all the trades. So every piece of this house was taken apart and put back together again by him and I. And it's still not done. It's hard for me to sit in this house and look at everything that he did. I should be happy and grateful that I had a man that knew as much as he did. But I feel like I'm dying without him. I can't get rid of the guilt that I feel. I should have been outside to help him as I usually did. But I didn't even know what he was doing or that he was outside . Maybe it would not have happened. And then I'm also angry at him because he had so many health conditions that he should not have been doing what he was doing. So he died doing what he loved to do. And then he goes and leaves me here . Debra

reluctantwidow 07/30/2018

it is too soon. you cannot possibly get over it this quickly. it takes time. i’m widowed 2 year’s and I feel like it’s sometimes harder. I have days that i’m completely unmotivated and don’t care about anything. But don’t be hard on yourself. yes, all those lil things will bring back memories. there will be “triggers”. that will set you into a deep grief. believe it or not these things will eventually bring a soft smile to you. and the memories will seem pleasant instead of difficult to bear.
the grief group idea is a good one. I did two 13 week sessions with Griefshare ( look them up) helped me tremendously.
don’t feel guilty there is nothing you could have done to prevent what happened. we don’t have that kind of control. I understand about the house reminding you. my husband was also very handy and did a lot of work to our house. so i didnt want to sell and move. but now i’m thinking i might. the house is just too big for me by myself and as it gets older it needs repairs and things that I cannot keep up with. i’m so sorry for your loss. i Do know how you feel. please take care of yourself. hugs

positivepain 07/30/2018

It is so fresh for you. Be good to yourself. The folks on here are so supportive. The know the pain. Sincere hugs.

Emptyinside2269 07/30/2018

Thank you so much for your quick response. It's just truly not a good night. I don't know if you have children or grandchildren or family I have none of the three. And when we moved it put a farther from our friends. I get multiple text messages everyday. But the sound of a human voice cannot be substituted. I spoke with multiple people that have gone through and or going through a similar situation. But most of them have children or grandchildren released family members. The only family members that I have is my husband's family and they are over 2 hours away. I do volunteer at my church every Thursday. I force myself to go. Because mornings are absolutely the worst I am so nauseous that I don't know what is going to come next. I hear what you're saying about the house. This house is actually smaller then our other homes were. Because my husband had planned on us retiring here. And living in New Jersey property taxes are very high. The taxes on this house were manageable. There was an age difference of 9 years between my husband and I. He turned 66 last November. And I am 58. Even though we were together 31 years. I got penalized by Social Security because of my age.So I was only entitled to 48% of my husbands Social Security. I can get by. The money isn't the issue. It just adds to the stress . I would give up everything I own and live in a barn if I could have my husband back again. But I know that's not possible.

Msbklyn 07/30/2018

There's an organization called Soaring Spirits International which offfers assistance such as regional groups for widows/widowers to get together. I know they have a group in Northern NJ. It may help you meet others in this situation that live near you. I've found a lot of support and social activities with them. Try to just go day by day for the moment. That's all we can do sometimes. Marybeth

regwin 07/31/2018

It takes some time to adjust and accept. At eight months I took a part time job and I remember hiding in back of the shop having a melt down. Eventually you will be better. You just have to get through. Please think about returning to a bereavement group. It will help a lot.
My thoughts are with you for strength and peace. Take care, we care. Love and Hugs, Dolores

travelgal55 08/01/2018

I know exactly how you feel. When my Bob and I got married we bought our home and it was hardly habitable. We designed everything together and he pretty much built the entire place. Now, 30 years later he has left me alone. It has been 3 months tomorrow and I find it very hard to even be inside our home because everywhere I look I see him. I sit outside on the patio not bearing to come in. Not sure what I will do when fall and winter hits and I have to stay inside all alone. His death should have never happened. It all stems from a botched root canal that turned to sepsis and his doctors would not listen to him and then it was too late. He fought hard in the ICU for 3 months and I still cannot believe he didn't beat it. I am so angry and sad is an understatement. I hope we can all get through this, but from what I read sometimes the grief and sorrow never ends.

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