Many people won't be able to understand no matter what you tell them. I find that if you try to make the effort, it may be more painful than it's worth. I know for myself that I really didn't know how painful it was until it happened to me. I've lost a parent, and we had a miscarriage, and those were very sad events, but losing my wife is on a whole other level. You do need to be nice to yourself. It should be you asking other people for help. You might not be the type of person who is used to asking for help, but if you need it, you need it. Big hugs to you.

Now is the time to be selfish and concentrate mainly on yourself. You have just been through the worst kind of hell, and nobody can understand unless they have also lost a spouse. If people are offended, that is their problem. You MUST take care of yourself, one moment, one hour, one day at a time. Baby steps, baby steps.....

Big AZ hug for you.
Darlene

P.S. You will remember the happier times farther into this journey.

Don't expect those to understand that have not been in your shoes of grief. Period. It's a disappointing journey to have to accept the fact that there will be those in your friend circle that simply won't and don't get it. Don't let it anger you further, as you will experience anger in many differing aspects. Just know that they don't "get it" and let it go. There will be many comments from those that haven't walked in your shoes that will upset you or provoke emotions of anger, resentment, etc. . . know this is also normal. "Forgive them, for they know not what they do". Grief is often a solo journey. It is meant for you and your eventual growth. Again, although you may not understand the "whys" today . . . it will all come together and you will understand and accept one day down the path. Til then, easy does it, one day at a time, breathe . . . hold the faith and keep the hope that the Universe has the first move, and we have the choice of the second move. Positive mantras are golden. Own and believe in all possibilities of your future. Intent and desire equates to miracles. So sorry you are hurting right now, but just know it's not a forever thing. It came to pass, and not to stay. Hugs, D

loveddogs,

About a year after I was widowed, I wrote a one page document called Unique and Devastating Loss that tries to explain to the non-widowed around us the unique nature and true devastating extent of losing our spouse. After posting it on YWBB.org, an online support group for young widows and widowers, it ultimately became one of the most widely read and shared posts on that site. When YWBB ceased operations, another nonprofit that assists widows and widowers asked me to repost it on their site. If interested, here is a link:

http://www.onefitwidow.com/unique-and-devastating-loss/

Copies of it have also been posted on DS several times, most recently here:

http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Widows_Widowers/forum/19887501-unique-and-devastating-loss

Sorry for your loss.

--- WifeLess

When my husband died 8 years ago this past Monday I felt my life had ended. In many ways it did as I knew it, but I gradually built a new one. Sharon

Wifeless

I just read your document on Unique & devastating loss. You have
a gift for writing. Thank you for sharing with us. What you said is
so true in so many ways.

My love was always there. I might have been gone working for a week or two or out & about, but I always knew he was going to be there when I got home & for me that is the hardest to accept now that he is gone. I so miss talking to him & hearing his voice.

loveddogs, When I returned back to work and even still people consistently ask me how I am doing. What are you supposed to say? I feel like crap, my world is gone, I barely have the will to live. I feel like screaming how the hell do you think I feel! I just lost the love of my life and everything that I knew and loved is gone. But I can't do that and I know everyone is just concerned so I just give the standard answer, I'm OK even though I am not.

Michele,
There is no way to explain to others what we feel or what it's like to have lost our spouse. To most I just say, "still handing on".
On occasion when someone that I feel is asking me with real sincerity, I usually answer this way. " I could stand here and talk to you for a whole week and I know that I will never be able to explain it to you. You will only be able to understand when you are where I am now"
Trying to explain our situation to others is truly an exercise in futility.

B.R. Geo.

Ptorres . . I agree and felt the same way with the "I'm okay". I eventually started catching myself saying that and would retract and say "oops, that was an automated response . . actually I feel like crap, or I've had better days, or some such other". Trying to be in touch with my actual feelings became more important to me than the automated response. In the beginning, we are simply on auto-pilot. The response is more for you than for than the average person who asks out of politeness. Once I began being more honest and in touch with my feelings (not in a hurtful or nasty way), most people would be flabberghasted not knowing how to respond and change the subject pretty quickly. Sigh.

Loveddogs
No one, not 1 single person will understand unless they have gone through losing their spouse. If you loved your spouse deeply ( some don't believe it or not) the pain I think is much worse. It is 10.5 months for me and yes some days are better if you can measure a sliver of light compared to total darkness as better.today isn't one of the better ones. Waves will hit you out of nowhere and all you can do is ride them. I am in a place right now where everything is going wrong so I just avoid people as much as possible because they only seem to make things worse. This is a good supportive place to come wen you reach your limit on coping . Big hug to you. Remember to breathe.

Don't even try.

No one understands the loss of identity from being a spouse to now finding just the me. The future you had in your mind is now different, how do they understand that? The thing that always has gotten me is the change in people we were always around. Old friends avoid me (they are couples I am not). I thought I would still do activities we did with them - that stopped. Being around and talking to someone who allows you to grieve in any way you wish, discuss it when you wish shows they care and you are in the process of taking care of yourself. yes we replan our lives some do not understand that can still include our loss without dominating our total life. At first it does but at some time unless we need counseling it does not - I reflected on our life by making a scrapbook that depicts him and our life. It helped. There are other things to recognizing the value of our life together and still plan your life now. So whatever you're feeling your are probably where you need to be at this time. Hugs

My take on this is it is not necessary to explain things to people. I have tried this and found it to be a big waste of time. I no longer have the need for idle chit-chat with people that may not really care what I think. I feel better if my focus is on my kids and myself. The rest can F off.

Maggie

They can't understand it, and will make you crazy with the ridiculous things they will say in response to your loss, too. Most don't really care how you are doing, a few will genuinely care, and then there are what I call the "emotional vampires" -- the ones that delight to see another human being suffering. I worked with a very large group of people, and my job meant I was in contact with literally hundreds of people on a regular basis. The odds were stacked against me; there were a handful of emotional vampires I had to deal with. I learned to not respond to some people because of that.

One of the most helpful things I learned here at DS was from a widower friend. He said that when people asked him how he was, he would say, "F.I.N.E." That actually stands for, "F***ed up, Insecure, Neurotic, and Exhausted." I got used to telling people I was "F.I.N.E." That helped.....

I agree with the others; it is time to say 'no' more often and take care of yourself. It's going to take everything you've got to get through these early days; no one should be coming to you with requests for anything. They should be coming to you with offers of comfort and support. You have had a personal catastrophe - akin to a Category 5 hurricane or a 9.0 earthquake. If they can't understand that much at least, don't waste your time on them.

It will get easier. Honest. Don't give up.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

Thank you all for your Wonderful support and understanding. Can I say things are getting better at this time? NO, but after a hard exhausting week I made the decision to NOT cry just for one day yesterday. I didn't want to talk to anyone, recieve any calls etc. Just stayed home. Slept through the night, was still tired so slept most of the afternoon. And I didn't cry. Not to say the tears didn't well up, but somehow I managed to hold them back. Today will be a hard day for my kids and grands and myself. But as always we will somehow make it through. Hugs to all of you and please make today the best day you can. Michele