Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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wendimac 05/14/2015

Tomorrow will be 10 Thursdays since Tommy passed away. I can't get motivated to do anything. I am so depressed, and I can't shake it...I try to fake it' for my son's sake, but am preoccupied with thoughts of my husband. I miss him so very much, and I feel so horrible about how he suffered in the last few months of his life.
We started out as a couple of messed up people who met on a beach one day, and did our best to make a life...not a perfect life...but a life...and the love was always there, even if we had a hard time showing it sometimes. I keep looking over the years, trying to figure out what we could have done different to, if possible, have avoided this scenario. He was a brilliant poet, songwriter and musician. He had a big heart. He was also a drug addict. And he drank a lot at various times. I was the classic enabler. I used to get angry with him in the beginning, but that never ended well. In the beginning of our relationship, I even flushed his cocaine down the toilet once, That didn't end well, either. So I would turn a blind eye, for the most part. And now, even though I really couldn't do anything about it, I still feel guilty to some degree, because he died of liver failure complicated by Hep C. He had been doing a bit better in the past couple of years, but he was taking a lot of pills, which combined with the alcohol, finished him off.
Now, as I reflect over the past 22 years, over the good times and bad, I just miss him. I miss every part of him, I miss him so much its actually causing physical pain. Tomorrow, I may go to the doctor and try to get my painkillers a bit early...problem is, I am also addicted to tylenol 3's...and because of what happened to Tom, the doctor is being very cautious with me.
I feel like a ghost...like I'm already dead, but still breathing. It's just so surreal, so horrible. This has really f***ed me up big time. I am terrified that I will self destruct. Just hopeless. I really hope this gets better someday. Sorry about the long rant...just venting, feeling shitty. And 'Love Hurts' just started playing on the radio - just now - how's that for coincidence?

janpeter 05/14/2015

Dear Wendimac, I am so sorry for your loss, it is still very early days for you, everything is so raw and painfull, all I can say is there will be better days ahead, be kind to yourself, just do what you can when you can, look after yourself and your son and know that both you and your Tommy did the best you were able to, just as each of us does with our lives, none of us are prefect, we all struggle and do the best we can. Sending you hugs and wishes for a better day tomorrow.

tiger1962 05/14/2015

Wendi,

I am a little ahead of you on this journey, but not a lot, at 3.5 months. I have heard people experienced all differently and everyone is unique in their grief. But there are TWO things that seem to be common among many: 1. Take one day at a time, 2. It will get easier over time. Hang in there, my friend, trust all who have come through. Tiger

JesusisOurSaviour 05/14/2015

Wendi,
I am a bit concerned for you. Just wondering...have you spoken to any counsellors? If you feel things are getting too overwhelming, maybe you should think about counselling now. I am just getting mixed messages from your post.
I sincerely hope, you don't take offence here, I just care about you.
Sandra

KimKos 05/14/2015

Wendi...I too am sorry for your loss and the pain you are feeling. ..for me personally I can honestly say I see a light at the end of my tunnel.....it may be the size of a pin head....but its there.....there are times I must look back.....but I cant stay there...when I am looking back I cant see my little pin head of light....and when I feel like its so far away I will never get there... I am learning to stop and rest and in doing that I sometimes get stuck for a bit..but some how I go another inch forward....sending you hugs and wishes of strength...topped with a little bit of hope. Never give up..never!!

Lisastp 05/14/2015

At ten weeks or so is when I began a grief counseling group session (8 weeks long). I knew it was time for counseling because my mind was playing tricks on me and I was not thinking clearly. The counseling (at Samaritan Hospice near me in NJ, and only $40 for all eight sessions) was very very helpful and I think it made it possible for me to move out of denial and on to other stages.
Take care of yourself!

maryelnew 05/14/2015

Wendi, if you lived with an addict for that long, you know you had no control over his behavior. your grief is allowing you to let feelings creep in that by other things you have said in this post and others, I have a feeling you worked hard to overcome in the past. Both addiction and grief are medical conditions - it's ok you are grieving but, remember you had no control over his addiction and in alot of ways he probably did not either. I don't know you and obviously don't know you history with your Tommy, but you care for him n the last y ears of his live ishow your love for him, please try to focus on that. As for the enabling, only you can decide if it was enabling or if you understood he only had it in him to change so much - and if it was enabling, they were still his choices (I'm sorry I can't seem to word that better I hope you understand what I mean). I had to you and I hope you are able to find a bit of peace somewhere along the way today.

dschwartz 05/14/2015

Been there Wendi . . many years back, differing circumstances. Please be careful with abusing drugs/alcohol . . . it's not worth it and only exacerbates the pain you are trying to numb. I know, I know . .. it's an addiction and they are hard to break on your own. You watched your husband battle his while helplessly standing by. It's not pretty. You need to think not only about self, but your son. How is all of this affecting his life? How will it affect his life in future? How is it affecting your relationship now? Please go see a counselor . . . talk to your doctor . . . get a NA sponsor. You need help my friend. Please reach out to the resources you have near you. By the time I did all of the above, it was too late. I lost my son and my relationship with him. It's not worth it girl . . please don't make the same mistake I did. I was young and without support, I did the best I could . . I wish I would have had the "help" I needed. If I knew then what I now know things could have taken a differing turn. Please don't make a mistake that could cost you a lifetime of pain. You think you're in pain now? Trust me . . . losing a child, or relationship with your child is beyond horrible. I know this sounds off topic . . . and I know that you are "grieving" your husband, but for the love of God, please don't give up on yourself and the ability to have a wonderful, peaceful life ahead. All things good are possible!! Sending you lots of healing thoughts and the strength to get the help you need. Hugs, Dayna

regwin 05/14/2015

Wendi, Everyone here cares and has good advise. Grief takes time to work through.. Please see a counselor and your Doctor. They can both help you. You can make a good life for you and your son. I'm sending up prayers for you. Dolores

Shrn 05/14/2015

Grief takes time to work through the layers of emotions and normally I would say that you have to take a day at a time. It's true for all of us. But sometimes, we can't get through this alone. I know there's no shame in getting help, many of us have and benefitted from it. Your strength in sharing your story says how wise you are. You are fighting many battles and need help to overcome the feelings that you're dealing with. Sharon

matoacalady 05/14/2015

((((wendi))))) Dayna gave you excellent advice. If you are addicted to painkillers, please get help....that road, as you have seen, is long and very slippery.

Wishing for you to take that first step and get help. You were very courageous in your post to lay it all out there.

Hugs
Jen

BandiBlue 05/14/2015

Wendi, please have an honest conversation with your doctor. Do not be afraid to tell him the truth. He has probably dealt with similar situations with other patients, and will be your best resource for help. He may also be able to direct you to appropriate counseling.

Wishing you peace . . .

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