Oh Lisa, I so understand how you feel. Last years holiday already sucked for us. He didn't feel like doing Thanksgiving and the kids were going to their in laws so I went to my cousins. He was in the hospital for 13 days over Christmas and in the nursing home for New Years. Easter he was home under hospice care. I guess I have already had my first year of holidays that were so abnormal. All I know is I refuse to stay home for these coming holidays. Even if I have to go out to eat by myself. Just too agonizing without him. Hugs and Love, Michele

Holidays are very hard for me also. I've turned down invite with family and am going out to Thanksgiving dinner with a friend. For Christmas I will probably stay home alone. I know it will be hard to get through and I'll be glad when it's over. "Hugs"

Oh Lisa, I feel your pain. My wife passed in October also which is right before our two most major holidays.

It can be really hard to get back in the swing of holiday activities again. That first year i didn't send any cards, didn't put up a tree and almost committed suicide in a hotel bathtub over Christmas. I'm so glad I didn't do it.

Three years later I'm sending cards and getting trees buying gifts and baking big Thanksgiving meals, or at least planning to, not that I've done anything yet. But I understand it's hard. Attending this first holiday family dinners without my wife were so hard.

I would say, go to things if you can its your kids and go for the kids so they at least can have a good time. But don't push yourself to do more than you're capable of. It's totally okay not to do things. To sit things out. Sometimes we have to do it.

We are all pulling for you. I know this holiday season is going to be hard on everyone. I am trying to brace myself. It's a lot to deal with.

Thanksgiving is to be thankful for all, and who you have. Christmas is for the children, and to celebrate Jesus's birth. The togetherness applies to loved ones to spend time with them. And to stress out the grandparents who have to do all the shopping. I have 17 to buy for this year.... Oh my...

I'm feeling it, right with you on this. Can't help you with any answers.
My reasons are a bit different than pure grief- but I just don't know if I can really handle any of it.
I wish you the ability to find what's best for you.

Lisa,
Close your eyes and ask yourself the question......What would make me happiest on Thanksgiving and all the other holidays? Where do I want to be and who do I want to be with?

Lisa, don't let anyone pressure you or make fun of your feelings or bully you into doing anything that you really DON'T WANT TO DO!

We've been challenged in ways that the heartiest of souls would never be able to deal with if they haven't buried a mate.

Whether, friends or relatives think we should "get over" or "move on" or "buck up" - I am going to live the rest of my life according to my gut instincts and my feelings.

This is my life, my turn and my terms! I wish you peace and happiness inside your soul!

Roz

Thank you everyone and thank you Roz. I have such a hard time deciding things anymore. I am still grieving and none of my family or friends are even the least bit understanding. They can't understand why I am not "Better" there is no way to explain or even try to. I keep my feelings in now and don't bother even mentioning anything. Im so glad my DS family understands.

Love and Hugs

Lisa

Lisa, my advice on this would be to have an open and honest conversation with your kids, and just tell them that you can't do it the old way anymore. You may find that they are actually somewhat relieved. My sons were relieved when we stopped trying to pretend that we were ALL okay and that it didn't matter that Cliff had died. My sons love being around extended family, but trying to just "carry on as before" was not cutting it for them either. And my sons were definitely trying to hide a lot of their feelings from me because they thought they needed to "be strong for your mother" as various idiots had told them.

The best Thanksgiving we had was when we were on our own and had home-made pizza. No stress, no fuss, no pretending we could have that Norman Rockwell kind of holiday. And this year, that's how we are doing Christmas - my MIL is looking forward to it, too!

There are always ways to compromise. Scale back, limit the amounts of time spent. You can always invite people over for Christmas cookies and coffee before or after the day. You don't have to do the big deal kind of dinner for 12 thing.

Another approach would be to do volunteer work on Christmas -- feed the homeless at one of the shelters that day. There are a lot of people suffering at Christmas. In some areas, as much as 75% of the homeless in shelters are women with kids or young families -- it's not all winos. Just a thought....

Finding the right balance is hard when you're a Mom. We need to take care of ourselves, but at the same time, we do need to consider our kids (and grandkids for those lucky enough to have them). It shouldn't amount to torture, but - in my opinion only - you do have to consider the kids, especially the youngest. That being said, it's important to discuss it with them. Discuss their needs and yours, expectations and fears. They may have some great ideas, and they may not want to do the same-old-same old either.

The first couple of years the holidays are weird and hard. You will find your balance again. The holidays may never be like they were before, but they can still be good and filled with love. The first Christmas for me was just a few weeks after Cliff died. The second one I made a point of thanking everyone that had helped me through the first year. That also gave me some purpose and a goal for that year's holidays. That helped me.

I hope you find a way through this that you are all comfortable with.

Love and Hugs,
Martha