Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
Since my husband died everything has gone wrong with the house. Last week tons of water started pouring down and we realized it was the shower. Plumber will come on Tues. The only other shower has been out of commission for awhile. My husband started fixing it but it wasn't a priority. Within a few days it was not just the shower but both upstairs toilets too. Yesterday came down and saw that the family room ceiling had brown spots all the way to the middle - cracks all over - this really looks bad.
Kitchen - planned to change the tile and tore up old tile last week (day shower flooded). Mold under tile and this will be a mess - more difficult to complete than expected and we haven't decided whether to hire someone or do it ourselves. Also noticed that there is mold behind the boards where the raccoon came into the roof/soffits when my husband was in ICU.
Yesterday went down to do laundry and saw the tube/vent from dryer was torn. Went to Home Depot to get another and the guy insisted he never heard of a tube that size - said they didn't exist. Don't know what to do about that.
So here's my issue - I tell people about my home problems - for opinions, advice, etc. and just to vent a little. I don't have a husband to talk about it anymore and he always fixed this stuff. I don't know where to turn in some cases. Now everyone, with the exception of my mother, is telling me that I should be selling the house and move into a house that doesn't need work since I don't know how to do it. For the 1st time I do have some money to fix it since I had some life insurance (not a lot) from my own employer for my husband. Everyone knows it.
I don't want to sell the house. I'm not emotionally or mentally in a position to undertake such a major thing, not to mention - no one will buy this place. With all the houses on the market who will buy a house in this condition- I'd have to give it away and I currently owe exactly what market value is. The house is beginning to now go up in value after going down tremendously - why would I want to sell now?
People are saying I won't have any problems in my life if I move into a condo - yeah I will - my husband will still be dead. Last night I was talking to one of the only friends who has stuck by me - he is a landlord and does a lot of construction work on his own buildings. He went on for 20 minutes on how I need to sell my home and even said that if I move into another place I won't have the memory of my husband to upset me and I can start a new life without "issues". I told my friend they don't recommend people move for at least year after someone close to them dies unless they have to and he said "but if you move you won't have problems in your life anymore" - like it is that simple.
I turned off my cell phone. I'm looking forward to our BBQ in Indiana. I want to get away from people here. I feel like I can't or shouldn't even talk to them. I guess my life isn't "happy" enough for them - probably why I'm not being included anymore.
Kitchen - planned to change the tile and tore up old tile last week (day shower flooded). Mold under tile and this will be a mess - more difficult to complete than expected and we haven't decided whether to hire someone or do it ourselves. Also noticed that there is mold behind the boards where the raccoon came into the roof/soffits when my husband was in ICU.
Yesterday went down to do laundry and saw the tube/vent from dryer was torn. Went to Home Depot to get another and the guy insisted he never heard of a tube that size - said they didn't exist. Don't know what to do about that.
So here's my issue - I tell people about my home problems - for opinions, advice, etc. and just to vent a little. I don't have a husband to talk about it anymore and he always fixed this stuff. I don't know where to turn in some cases. Now everyone, with the exception of my mother, is telling me that I should be selling the house and move into a house that doesn't need work since I don't know how to do it. For the 1st time I do have some money to fix it since I had some life insurance (not a lot) from my own employer for my husband. Everyone knows it.
I don't want to sell the house. I'm not emotionally or mentally in a position to undertake such a major thing, not to mention - no one will buy this place. With all the houses on the market who will buy a house in this condition- I'd have to give it away and I currently owe exactly what market value is. The house is beginning to now go up in value after going down tremendously - why would I want to sell now?
People are saying I won't have any problems in my life if I move into a condo - yeah I will - my husband will still be dead. Last night I was talking to one of the only friends who has stuck by me - he is a landlord and does a lot of construction work on his own buildings. He went on for 20 minutes on how I need to sell my home and even said that if I move into another place I won't have the memory of my husband to upset me and I can start a new life without "issues". I told my friend they don't recommend people move for at least year after someone close to them dies unless they have to and he said "but if you move you won't have problems in your life anymore" - like it is that simple.
I turned off my cell phone. I'm looking forward to our BBQ in Indiana. I want to get away from people here. I feel like I can't or shouldn't even talk to them. I guess my life isn't "happy" enough for them - probably why I'm not being included anymore.
Shut the shut off valves if you haven't already.Tear up the old tile. Be liberal with the bleach. Open windows. Run fans. And if you have the $, get a few (free) estimates and hire a contractor. Think it out. Get the price in writing and make NO changes once work has begun. It will cost a lot more.
You're buying time. Later on, with the house in better condition, you can still sell it and get that condo. (That's my plan.)
Considering what you mentioned in your post, it seems that even if you decided to sell you would still have to put money into your house for it to be marketable and not have to "give it away." Either way, staying or selling, money would be involved.
The often repeated advice of not making major decisions for a year is in all probability a wise adage to consider unless there is a particular need to do so. The strangeness of our new world without our spouses is overwhelming enough, and further life-altering decisions add additional burdens to our overloaded emotions.
We had just moved to a farm 6 months before my DH died. I went back and forth as to whether I should "get out of Dodge." I could barely maintain myself and getting to and from work. The responsibilities of the farm just about did me in. Actually, it was the constant WORRYING about all the responsibilities that caused me the stress. I couldn't see past my hand much less how I was going to do everything.
A word of hope to you is that take it as it comes and don't let the anxiety of the unidentified get to you. I know, easier said than done. It took a lot of self-talk for me to get to that point. Every time something would go wrong or some piece of machinery needed this or that, I just told myself it will either get done or not get done, but tomorrow the sun will rise just the same. For me, that seemed to ease the stress that I was under and I survived that 1st year. Things continued to break, things continued to go wrong, there were unexpected expenses, but I took one crisis at a time and let the others rest until I could get to them both emotionally and financially. By what you described, some situations can't wait, but the way that you tackle them can make a world of difference.
I don't know if my story will help you since our situations are somewhat different, but I hope you succeed in finding answers, making repairs, and enjoying your home until YOU feel differently about living there. Right now, it's all about you! TJ
We also owe close to what it is appraised at.
I think if we can get some repairs done, possibly it would be appraised at a little more.
I'm torn if I want to move or not. My family thinks that I should move; that if I move, I wouldn't have any problems. Like you said, my husband is still dead. Right now, I'm taking it one day at a time and will see what the next few months will bring. I need to have repairs completed before I can even think about moving.
I would stay where you are at for now. Even if you move, you will still be grieving your husband. I think that wherever we live, there will always be "issues".
Find some comfort in knowing that I know exactly what you are going through. Take care...Nancy
It just bothers me that all I wanted was a little advice from other homeowners (and landlords) who knew more than me and they are all so quick to say "move out". I get the impression they just don't want to hear that I have any problems or that life is tough without my husband and that it will be easier on them because they won't have to hear about this stuff. It's like when my sister kept insisting my father belonged in a nursing home years ago. She lived in Georgia, 1200 miles away and it would make her feel better because she was the only one not contributing to his care. She didn't are about what was best for my parents or the rest of the family only what was best for her.
But- I did wash the floors with bleach and already made my first mistake. Paid Home Depot $35 to tell me what it will cost for them to tile it. (They haven't told me yet) What a rip off - they can't tell me the cost without my paying them?
The kitchen is 14 x 10 (less some cabinets) the tile we picked out is $1.50 and one man (at Home Depot) already is estimating $1500 - doesn't that sound high? (They're including some type of cement boarding too.)
As for my vent - it has lots of duct tape my husband put on - wonder now if he couldn't find the size or what. It is huge. Thanks for the advice.