Try to get them into a grief group. Check with your local church and hospital. So sorry for your loss.

I've offered. They don't want it.

I understand your issues here. My children are all very young. The youngest was not born yet when my husband died. What I do is to try to keep Mike present in the home. Change is not good for young kids and may be the same with older ones. I have never removes his photos, clothes, etc. just to keep home the same for them. I hope you can find something that works for you.

Maggie

Let anyone and everyone talk about Dad when they want to. If there are some tears, allow them to flow - nobody is required to "be strong" There will never be a time when he is forgotten, but slowly the memories become gentler...sometimes come with a smile, sometimes even with a belly laugh! All good....Until we all meet again. Love to you and family.

I have two sons, both high functioning autistics,and they were 24 and 19 when Cliff died. They saw him die in my arms, the older one had to call 911 while I did CPR waiting for the paramedics to arrive. Cliff had worked from home to care for them, and was everything to them - father, protector, mentor, spiritual guide, and even business partner and chauffeur. Loads of issues when he died.....

My younger son was in his senior year of high school, so he got counseling through his guidance counselor and school psychologist. He needed someone else to talk to besides me and his brother. Working with his school team was one of the best things we could have done, because it also meant his teachers were briefed on some of the difficulties that might - and did - come up. Anyway, counseling via the school was free and it made a big difference. I'd recommend trying that for your youngest.

My older son was able to get counseling through the same counselor I saw through my Employee Assistance Program at work. It was also free. We also both saw the same counselor later for a reduced fee when I stopped working. Your older kids may have access to counseling either through your work or if they are in college through student services on campus. Just a thought...

The structure and dynamics of a family change radically when one of the parents dies. We necessarily had to shift responsibilities around in the house, there was some shifting of schedules and logistics - there had to be because we had to do what used to be handled by Cliff. All 3 of us had a hard time trying to find the balance between grieving and just getting on with our lives. AND all 3 of us were trying not to upset the other 2. That didn't work.

The main thing that we did that helped was we grieved together, we talked and talked and talked. They saw me cry and knew it was okay to cry, and okay to be mad at the situation, and okay to remember and talk about their Dad. WE STILL DO THIS. Just as I still talk about my own parents and share stories of their lives. It was hard for my sons because they kept thinking they were supposed to "be strong" for me and the whole "men don't cry" bulls**t. My older son was especially in turmoil because someone told him he was now "man of the house" and was supposed "look after your mother and brother" - something he was totally incapable of doing and not prepared to do. So on top of everything else, he felt like a failure. And they both went through a phase of feeling guilty for not being able to save their Dad. Grief can be complex for kids, regardless of their ages.

For us, we also had to have a balance between the familiar and some relief from the reminders. This isn't an easy thing to sort out for kids - of any age. And my guys being on the autism spectrum means that they have a harder time with change than most. What finally helped all of us was for me to take all the very personal things of Cliff and put them away in a special box. The familiarity of the layout of the house, the furniture, etc., was comforting, but the glaring image of those things that only Cliff used and would now never use again were hurtful, so I put those things away, safely stored for my boys and myself for later when we were stronger and wanted to look at them and handle them, etc.

We never made a shrine, never did the scrapbooks, or memorials or whatever. It just wasn't us. We didn't have a bunch of photos of him - but then we never did have photos of me and Cliff up in the house, so that was nothing new. We had photos of the boys and of places we had been to.

My guys NEVER found it comforting to go to the cemetery either. Cliff is buried 3 blocks from our home in Florida, so we passed the cemetery almost daily. I thought him being close to home would be good - it wasn't.

At 5 months, the numbness has worn off for your kids, too. They may be realizing how different their lives are now, what their father won't be around for, etc. - just as we have had to do. For instance, we were painfully aware that Cliff was not going to be there at graduation for my younger son. Big life events you think your parents will be around for. I lost my own Dad when I was 26 and pregnant with my first - I can tell you I grieved for all the things he would never see, all the things we would never share. Your kids may be going through this, too.

As a parent, we grieve twice - once for ourselves and again for our kids. It is hard going, and most people who haven't had the loss do not understand what that means. Accepting our own loss is hard enough, but accepting that for once "Mommy cannot make it all better" is truly gut-wrenchingly hard.

Get help. Seriously. Whether it's a counselor, a pastor, or an aunt or uncle - they are going to need somebody else to talk to. Also keep the dialogue going amongst you and encourage them to talk among themselves, too.

It did get easier, and I have to say my sons and I bonded much more through the experience. I am sorry you have to go through this with your kids. I know it isn't easy or straightforward.

Hope this helps...

Love and Hugs,
Martha

Martha! That helped immensely! You are SO on target. It's the grieving of what they expected that is making it more difficult for them. I do talk and listen to them. I provide the resources and leave it up to them. My oldest son told Mike before he died, that he would take care if me and Ally. I told my son that I am too hard heard to be taken care of! And I'm 40 and don't trust someone 20 yrs younger than me to do a better job. He comes around looking for ways to help around the house and I try to find something for him to do. But I let him know that it is for his sake, but I am grateful.
All of dads things are put away, waiting for a later time. None of us are materialistic, so I think we all agree that it is just stuff. After reading your post, I actually feel very comforted that they are coming to me and they are "in" the process, rather than just watching from the sidelines. My daughter talks to her school counselor. That's who she is comfortable with. The counselor came to the funeral.
Yes, I am mom. I want to nurture. I want to comfort. I can hardly wrap my mind around the role of parenting in this scenario bc I never anticipated it. The cemetery offers no comfort to them, they only go when I go. I only go to put fake flowers out. They want me, my time, my ears and my support. We all decided together to make changes in the house. The reminders were unbearable.
Thank you so much for your post! I constantly (unknowingly) question myself in this process and your experience helped me immensely!