Sweetie, we don't have a choice, we have to go on. We have the gift of life in us yet. I don't want to die or stop living. I know that's me, but I see way too much beauty in God's creation yet. Go outside and take a walk, watch the sun set. Concentrate on the new growth, the budding trees and flowers. Don't think about your loss, think about the beauty of the sunset, about the rebirth of the earth after a long winter. Listen to the birds sing, think of how beautiful the sound is. Put out some bird feeders, then watch them and allow yourself to enjoy it.

It is up to us to dictate our own emotions. We do have some power, we can choose what we feed our minds. Choose to feed your mind with positive things. The sweet smell of Spring air, the fragrance of a lilac blossom, rain on the roof. As God in prayer for a portion of his Holy Spirit, just enough for today, ask him to allow you to see the beauty that is still all around you.

I may have a different view on things since I had a near fatal heart attack in 2003. My right coronary artery was 100% blocked and I fought like hell to stay alive. I had to live for David, for my Mom, my kids and because I love life. I was blessed that everything went fast and right and I have almost no damage to the heart muscle, just a shiny stint..;well probably not so shiny any more. lol But, dear, life is a precious gift and we need to treat it that way. You wouldn't want your husband to be feeling like this if the situation were reversed. You'd want him to begin to heal.

I know you aren't a bad person, you're just in pain and I wish I lived near you, really I do. We could sip wine and you could help me with my chicken coop! Keep your chin up, Marie and start thinking good thoughts. Look for beauty, look for joy, it's out there, I promise you. *hugs and hugs*

Marie, my heart goes out to you. You are surrounded my many friends here. I know that is not the same as having friends nearby, but we are here for you. I think that most of us at one time or another felt as you feel now. As for your co-workers, my guess is that grief scares them and saying nothing is better than saying something utterly stupid. It is amazing how many people still avoid me at the grocery store, and give me the pity look before they run away. Just vent here. We understand this pain. Love and Hugs Mary Anne

Marie - I am so sorry you are feeling so down. BayhorseLady is right - we have to go on though. We still have life and our loved ones would not want to see us in such pain. I still have ups and downs - had a really bad down at the beginning of the week. Have you got any good friends that you can go out with for dinner/lunch a drink? I find being with cheerful friends is what gets me back on track and happy again. I do not wait for them to call me or wonder why they have stopped asking how I feel (I know they care and are always there for me) so I just contact them when I need to and tell them how I feel. I find that laughter is the best medicine, and if you can find it in you to have a really good belly laugh with a good friend, it does wonders. I am meeting up with all my friends at a bar in town tomorrow - we normally do that every Friday and we spend the whole afternoon laughing and talking crap and I come home feeling much, much better. You may not think there is much to laugh about right now - but you'd be surprised if you let yourself unwind a bit. Life is still good and we all have a lot of living left to do - even when the future looks scary and bleak. Another thing I do is try and turn all the negatives into positives and that also helps immensley. Please hang in there and you are in my thoughts and prayers. big hugs, Gail xxxx

I hear what your saying Marie. All these feelings can feel like your trudging waist high in mud. It can be lonely , frustrating depleting and the list could go on BUT You are a strong person, you have come this far. And it is hard. No one said we had to look graceful doing it, we just have to do it. Sometimes I cry out to my God in frustration and answers do come but not always the way I expect, by whom I expect, or in the time I expect. I have heard a few times now that people were glad that I made that first joke, or said hello first because even though they did want to talk to me they themselves were afraid of what to do.

Keep writing it does help to put those feelings into perspective and gives your heart and mind a rest from carrying those emotions around. you have many friends here in DS... I send you many hugs and a huge ol' whoppin cheesy grin. May peace be yours tonight.

I am so sorry for your loss and that you feel so alone, but we are all in the same place. People that you work with don't mean to be mean they just don't know any better. I hope you feel better I am praying for you. ~HUGS~

Donale

I'm so sorry, Marie. No one should have to go through what we're going through now. I remember my mother explaining death to me when I was seven years old. I was horrified that I would one day lose her and my grandparents. I told her the best way for God to do it was to take whole families at one time; that way there would be no one left to mourn them. I even told her that a ship could be used for the task. She told me it wouldn't work. You'd still leave someone here that's not family. Someone who loves the person. You just have to accept death is part of life.

Now, looking back, sometimes I still wish for that big boat, but God has a place for us. That place is Heaven. I find that I'm getting through this now because I believe in this with all my heart. I don't believe my husband is dead because Jesus died for our everlasting life. He's alive in Heaven. He's in a different place that's all.

Marie, this is the time that your faith must be strong. Our strength has been drained from our bodies, but we need only the faith of a mustard seed to survive this. Turn to God. Give him your burden. Let Him hold you when it becomes to much. Let Him be your friend when all other's dessert you. Let Him go to work with you each day. Our God is a strong God and we are not. The people you work for, the friends are all weak too. They can't bear to see the pain in your eyes, or to hear the sadness in your voice. They don't know what to do so they do nothing. This is not a rejection of you, but a display of their weakness and the fear that it will one day happen to them.

We all must die. And there is no way to do it without pain for someone left behind. But right now, live your life, and look to do things that can help someone. Perhaps volunteer work. Just think of the joy you can bring someone by doing something for them. Think back to the times where you helped someone and how it made you feel.

I wish I lived in Stamford. I would love to be your friend. But I am here now. Write me any time. Or maybe we can chat.

I wish I still lived back in Rye - then we'd certainly be friends. Of course we can be friends online but it's not the same. As you know - I can relate to the "friend" problem since I'm going through the same thing too- as anyone who has read my postings will know.

Any "support" groups where you can meet new friends? I went to one a week ago. As I had said, there was only one person there and she complained about her husband. I wasn't thrilled with the session, but I did like this other woman and I think we will develop a friendship so I'm going back. I think something like that might be your best bet. It would be good to be around someone who understands.

But, I think there are a lot of people who are lonely these days. So many people have to work hard and can't develop the friendships they used to in the olden days.

I just can't understand the people at your work. I don't understand the people around me either - guess I just don't understand why people act the way they do. Maybe they should teach classes in HS on how to treat others. Do you belong to a church? Sometimes if you get in with a good church it can be a huge help.

My old assistant and good friend who I had not heard from since Dec 1 sent me an email for the first time several days ago. She said how she loved me, thought about me all the time and said "I care very much". How many months has it been with no calls or emails - 6? Asked how I was doing - so I told her the truth. Haven't heard back yet. Wonder if I ever will. Her father is a minister.

I think when we think "why don't people want to be our friends?" it is also partly that they are selfish and not thinking of anyone else but themselves. I don't think it enters their minds - and I suppose they don't really care - or if they do I guess they don't realize the hurt they are causing. It is bad enough to lose a husband, but friends too?

Remember, all you need is one good friend to start off. See if there are some support groups. In a big place like Stamford there's got to be several and eventually you should be able to find someone who is near you who you can really connect with. I bet there are many around you who would love to be your friend as much you would - it is just a matter of finding them.

I am sooo sorry for your loss and you truly are at the right place. Ignore the people at work and find a family member or friend outside of work and try to reflect on the good times that you had with your husband. Also your daughter and granddaughters should be a source of some kind of hope for the future for you. Sometimes those closes to us can give us more guidance than we can get else where. I know how difficult this is and the lonliness is sometimes unbearable, but just try to reflect on anything at all positive to get you through those tough times Hugs to you
Pat

Marie, thanks for posting this. I too am feeling very sad tonight. I've been keeping myself busy for the past few days and tonight, finally had a chance to sit down and of course out of the blue the pain and heart ache hit again. I miss my husband terribly and am still at the point where I'm trying to accept that he isn't coming back. Every time I look at his picture I cry, I keep thinking I hear his voice or him touching me, maybe he is, but what I would give to have him back. I'm 42 and will be 43 the second of next month, and know that I have a long life ahead of me, and I am so afraid. I don't want to live without him either. I don't wanna go on and still life seems pretty darn pointless.

Dear Marie 2224,
With everything you said I feel the exact same way. I didn't want to but because I continue to have these same thoughts I actually told my PCP and he was surprisingly very sympathetic like he knew what I was going through. Go figure. I thought he would have me put away or something. Who knew that he had some compassion. I was going to him and he also treated my husband for years and I took him to be well, let's say a bit cold. But, he gently persuaded me to take the script he wrote for my panic attacks and talked to me for a while and had his secretary very discreetly give me a list of therapists. I couldn't believe how easy it was. I could tell he knew of my distress and lack of a will to keep going. It does feel good to talk to others who are understanding like the good people here at DS. I am thankful to everyone here, as even in their grief they are helping me. God bless you all.
ReneeArose

I care.
Hugs, Wendy

I care also, my heart goes out to you in your despair. I think the reason so many of us feel that we have no friends is that we have lost our best friend and no-one can replace that friendship. He would have held you close and comforted you in your sadness but I think that same all enveloping sadness is what frightens other people and prevents them approaching you. They just can't be sure how you will react and indeed, in many ways neither can we. In a work situation this must be difficult to manage and probably why they avoid it. This doesn't mean that they don't care necessarily just that it's scary emotionally to be around bereavement, you want to help but you don't want to hurt and you end up doing nothing. As so many have said here, you really only can understand when you have been through it yourself. Be gentle with yourself for now, lean on family, lean on us here, you have many friends including me, we can talk whenever you want. If I were closer I'd be on your doorstep and we'd laugh or cry about this horrendous thing we're going through together. My thoughts are with you, you're not alone.

Dear Marie..what an awful time you are having. Doesn't it seem like the whole world has past you by and you are left standing alone with your grief. I think there comes a time when those not experiencing this loss think that enough time has passed and you should be "better by now". It is repeated over and over here that unless you have experienced the death of your spouse, you do not understand. Even those who have had many years pass may not remember the rawness of the emotion. That is why we here can share, understand and comfort. It is current for us, we are walking through the muck of sorrow and tears. Some walk faster than others as each of us have our own story of love and time in this loss.
I have been in a slump for a full month now, today being my seventh month of loss. I can't seem to shake it but I have embraced it. I am renewing my resolve to shake the burden of sorrow and find life. No one can lessen this burden for us, we must decide for ourselves. It is an exercise to smile, to be cheerful and when asked how we are doing to say that we are hanging in there without a slump of our shoulders and flowing tears, it's not their burden to carry. Your friends are frightened for you, lost in not knowing what to do to help, do not want to ask for fear of seeing you upset. It is not that they don't care, they don't know how to.
You have family who loves you, you have friends that care and you have us. Take a little ownership for your future, take a deep breath and trudge forward each step, you will get there...I wish I was there with you to help..you know, helping others has helped me.
Love, Linda

Marie, an aide in Hospice said when our spouses die, we have two choices, either to live or die. Dying is only an option if you are willing to take your life. It would have been very easy for me to do a few months ago, but I have turned a corner where I am willing to wait until God pulls my number. Trust me, it's not what I really want. I would much rather be with my DH, or have him here with me. My heart aches every day to hold, smell, and kiss him. But like me, you will learn to carve a life out for yourself that you are comfortable with. Your husband is still here with you, but in spirit. If that's good enough for you to carry on with, he would love that I'm sure. He also understands what you are going through. The hospice people have a saying, "You grieve as hard as you loved". How true, how true.

You are doing the right thing just by expressing yourself in words. It releases the pent up energy and helps to somewhat calm the soul and put some things into perspective.

Keep posting and I'll keep reading.

Oh Marie, I am so sorry. I do understand. I could have written those exact words just 4 months ago. Now my life is full of sunshine. Yes there are clouds in the sky, but they aren't storm clouds that erase the sunlight. You will get there too. I didn't know how I would ever survive the loss of my husband and it will be three years in June. We don't know what tomorrow brings. That is part of life, accepting the things we can not change and having the wisdom to change what we can.

You are doing all the right things. We all have tried to do the right things and still there are times when it feels like it just will never get better. The sun shines, but it lost it's glow. The tree's are green and the grass covers the land, but to us it's meaningless. The tears come when we least expect them and why? Why? Why can't we feel any joy?

I have a little poem on my bathroom mirror that I read every morning. It says: Good Morning God
You have ushered in another day
Untouched and freshly new
So here I come to ask you, "God
If you'll renew me too.
Forgive the many errors that I made yesterday
And let me try again, Dear God
to walk closer in thy way.
But Father, I am well aware
I can't make it on my own
So take my hand and hold it tight
for I can't walk alone.
I hope it helps you as it has given me strength over the past lonely months/years. Sharon