Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
This is my first post to this group. I lost my husband on January 27, 2018 after an 8 month battle to lung cancer. I'm just posting as an outlet to see if others are having the same experiences. I'm good on some days and can get through work, but then there are others days that I cry often. This is so new to me and I'm trying to get myself together in order to help our four children get through this. I'm still visit my husbands' grave, but not weekly as I was before. Any advice will be greatly appreciated.
For now take one day at a time and do your best with each day.
Every one in this group has had a loss and they truly understand how you feel. Some are older. Some like yourself are younger with children. I can only imagine how difficult it is for you. If you have family nearby accept as much help as they offer with keeping the children busy. I wish you strength and Peace. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Love and Hugs, Dolores
He had a doctor appt and when we received the results it was lung cancer. He had chemotherapy and radiation therapy, but the disease wasn't responding so after a discussion with the doctor we stopped therapy to enjoy the time we had together.
It was tough, but there were a few decent days. The other days I would place the bedside table over his hospital bed and we would have a meal. More importantly, we talked.
It's unusual, but I worked in the hospital emergency department and he was working for the laboratory part time. Our talks were a gift I'll forever treasure.
Ten short weeks from diagnosis hen died.
Part of me died that day too.
Very sorry for your loss. Hope to get to know you better and talk again. Sharon
Like you my husband passed of Lung Cancer and like you I was 48. He also passed during the month of January but on January 23rd 2013.
Also like you and so many on this forum, I held it together as much as possible in order to help our 2 children cope better.
I was doing everything to be strong and to be ok as much as possible and it almost worked..It was those darn grieve attacks that got me every time!
I wasn't working (except for a little lunch time monitor gig) . , I pushed myself , went to the gym, forced myself to eat , hired a personal trainer , did everything possible to get through losing him... I failed on one big aspect . I was not allowing myself to grieve . I was not allowing the tears and pain to happen as they were meant to happen so that the healing process could begin.
I hit a brick wall at about the same time a letter from the funeral home arrived , inviting me to take part in a bereavement group. Best thing I did, then coming here and sharing with others, reading about others and realizing that we were all grieving, all felt an intense lost , all could relate to some degree.
It was here that I would share and then would read posts from others further along in their journey, Their stories,milestones helped me to see that I could one day, get there by simply allowing myself to grieve and live.
Those grieve attacks, they serve a purpose, they are painful and devastating but they help heal you, a little at first but more each time. They allow for the emotions to be released instead of being kept in and creating a mess of your health. (of course , there is a time when if one cannot function, get out of bed, continue to just cry , then one needs to seek help for complicated grieve or depression) . When we cry , toxins are released .
One day I noticed that while the crying attacks still happened daily, they were shorter and my recovery quicker. It has been 5.5 years and I still have moments where I cry and miss him and I have come to accept that it is perfectly normal as there will always be reminders and moments when you feel that he was robbed of those moments. Those milestones achieved by your kids such as graduations and such , expect some tears but do not stress about whether they will happen. What I mean is that he was here, he did matter and if I cry on special occasions it is because he is greatly missed . Then we usually can move on for allowing the grieve/ memories whatever the term to have it's time and place and then be carried in our mind but not take away from the special occasions.
As the first year anniversary of his passing loomed near, my DD and I knew that we could not just sit at home anticipating the day yet to come... With my blessing , she organized a fundraiser pasta dinner to be held that day. The money went to Cancer research. We were kept busy and helped towards a good cause. That started a trend, on the anniversary of his passing , as a family we donate to a charity or two in his honor. This helps us. One year we donated to a food bank but we had visited the web page and went shopping for the items needed . This gave us a purpose.
Finding purpose in life, not something to replace him, but something to make you feel like it is worth being here ...
Celebrate the little victories and accept that you are human and can't do it all on your own.. I hate asking for help but have learned that at times I must. In the fog of losing him I must have had the notion that it made me Super Woman...With the fog gone, it is clear to see that I am not! Why did I expect to keep up the work that two people used to do??? (in regards to maintaining a house)
The most important thing I did , is that I allowed myself to live and put the guilt aside. Again , who did I think I was to be so important as to have been able to change things when Doctors could not??? It took me a while but in order to move forward I had to accept that as much as I loved him, I had no super power, including the power to have change the outcome and therefore I had done what I could and could have not done any better and should not continue to play the "what if I had done..." game.
Looking back , is for me a great tool. I would always try to figure out what would be, what would happen in the future and work myself up, get stressed or overwhelmed. I would look towards the future and fail to see behind me , the steps taken.
My husband died , I didn't . I had 2 choices . To end it myself or to live . The grieve of the beginning tempted me for option one , but the love and respect for him, for my kids and eventually for myself made me fight for option two.
In the last 5.5 years, I have rebuild my life from a 48 year old widow, no job , left with a mortgage and a very scary future in front of her... Here I am now , I made a conscious decision to live my life by looking on the positive and try not to dwell on the negative as he would not want me to . I know that because he had time to tell me so. I fought to keep the house we bought together by getting myself an education at 50 years old to become and EA. I survived . Last September after fighting 4.5 years to be o.k., to be happy or at least content in this new journey, my gift /my purpose happened when I was hired full time as an EA ...Over the last 10 months each and everyday I counted my blessing because the job turned out to be not a job but a true gift...I was meant to be in this student's life and that student was certainly meant to be in my life to finally give me the true purpose that was missing since..
My journey has been a long and quite difficult climb . I did not always walk straight and I often lost footing only to fall back . I did what I could each and every time. Pick myself up and try.
So after this extremely long reply , to keep the advise simple...
Be kind to yourself...
Accept that you will fall...
Always , always pick yourself back up...
One day you will be stronger!
Thank you all for your post/replies. Here I am almost a year to the date of losing my husband and I must say that it has gotten easier. The tears still come, but they don't last as long. I still visit his grave to take flowers, but not as much. I've learned to accept what God allows and I've learned that it's ok to cry, it's ok to talk about him, it's ok to laugh so as the kids and I near the one year mark, we have chosen to remember the wonderful person he was and to remember his legacy. I pray the each of you will comforted during this time and that your smiles in memory of your loved one outweighs your tears. Be encouraged!
K
I am a widow myself. I have also been raising my children as a single Mom. I know your pain and devastation are huge, and very difficult task it is to raise your children without their father's input, comfort, guidance and presence.
What you describe sounds very normal to me. It has only been a year since your husband passed on and you are still adjusting to your new normal. You still feel the presence of his absence.
It sounds to me like you're doing great considering all that you've been through. Don't worry about keeping yourself together. Your children are still grieving and they should know that you are also.
I WOULD suggest that you ask them questions, ask them how they're doing, ask them what they miss the most about their Dad, etc. This might help you all to gauge how to help one another through this valley of grief.
God bless you!