how about when casual aquaintances say" if there is anything i can do,just ask" i always wanted to say "paint my house" just for a reaction

Right you are, nebby:)

Shortly after he died, I received a call from this guy. He was looking for his best friend from high school as the reunion was coming up. When he asked for my husband I told him he was dead. Just like that. He freaked out. Said that he had just contacted others from the school and no one knew this news. I finally asked for the date of birth and it wasn't the same guy. I felt bad for being blunt, but was so tired of the same thing you are. I still refer to him as dead or died. It was a horrible day in my life and I'm not sugar coating it for someone else's feelings that wasn't there.

For those who don't know of your loss and inquire about your spouse, it's not their fault for not knowing....they're just being people, acquaintances from your past just asking out of common courtesy. The same situation has happened to me in the past as well as I'm sure it has to all of us here. In the beginning it was really hard to utter all of those dreaded words once more. It happened again to me just a few months ago even after two years. Although it was still hard, I realized how much better I was able to handle it. Frankly the friend that asked about Ira was visibly upset and I ended up comforting him. He had been away from the area for awhile when I ran into him and he asked a very simple friendly question about Ira. I'll never forget the look on his face when he saw the look on my face when he asked it. I actually felt bad for him.

People generally mean well and offer their support out of compassion.
Most don't follow up but I have to say that I too have been guilty of that myself in the past when someone had lost an important person in their life. You want to help but it's kind of a double edged sword. You're waiting for them to call you and they're waiting for you to call them. In the end no one calls anyone and feelings are hurt....address books change yet again and life goes on....with or without us....it always goes on and we have to learn how to cope within it.

May you find the strength and courage to carry on on this journey to the best of your ability under the given circumstances.
I'm so sorry for your loss. His love still surrounds you!
Darcie

Cliff's death was such a shock to everybody, and it seemed like I had to retell the story several hundred times. It was always difficult to do that, even after the umpteenth time. I got sort of numb about it, almost like a recital than telling it if you understand. But about 18 months after Cliff's death, I got a call from his boyhood friend who had been our best man. He didn't know what had happened. We had lost touch with him, and I had tried to find him to tell him with no success. I knew when he called that he was looking for the comfort and advice Cliff would have given him, he always knew he could trust Cliff no matter what. I felt bad for both of us to have to tell him that he ahd died and that I hadn't been able to find him. I think he would have come to the funeral and everything if he had known. He took it hard....

It did remind me that Cliff's death wasn't just me and our sons' loss -- there were others would miss him, remember him, and wish he was still around.

Hang in there....

Love and Hugs,
Martha

I'm glad I gave his phone to his son; now he is the one getting the calls and inquiries. I got tired of having to tell people over and over. I remember the mail lady coming to the front door with a certified letter for him to sign. I just looked at her and nearly burst into tears.

After my husband died (2013) I remember resenting the hell out of lots of people for any number of offenses, some real, (you're a total douche and yet still alive) and some blown out of proportion by my pain (yes, I do know what you mean about snuggling up on cold nights you thoughtless beeach).

I think we all act our worst when we are in pain, and it's understandable to want to hurt others when we've had our lives blown to smithereens.
One woman came into my store and grabbed me and started to feverishly say stuff about how Jesus would be my husband now and how it's promised in the bible that he will take care of the widows, or something along that line. I didn't think fast enough to hiss back, "Actually, Jesus is not my type, I prefer the bad boys every time. And Larry Flynt says the bible was written by delusional Jews wandering in the desert and I agree."
And when someone else told me they knew how I felt because their cat had recently died I didn't exclaim, "Nailed it! That's EXACTLY the same thing... minus litter boxes and lint rollers."
I kinda wish I had, but what I truly regret is answering questions that were none of anyone's business. One woman I barely knew asked if I was the one who found him, and did my granddaughter see, and I frickin' HATE to this day that I answered her at all. I have learned since then, and now shut nosy nellies down with "it's too painful to discuss, I'm sure you understand." I wish I had done that from day 1.
I forgot until I was reading my journal here about one of my staff texting me when my daughter was on life support (Dec.2015) "Just one question - is there any brain activity?" I didn't respond and I am so glad I didn't.
But nothing chokes me up faster than a question that leads to me saying my daughter died, mostly it's from someone curious about why my 2 granddaughters live with me.
My husband's death I can now recite factually as Martha said, but my daughter, - huge painful lump instantly.
I do see as Darcie said, people mean well generally and often don't know what to say, so I accept condolences with grace now, and when someone says how sorry they are, I always say, me too.
To the always popular - If there's anything I can do question, we could always promote our causes & pet peeves (<==== pet peeves, see what I did there?) "please have your pets spayed or neutered and when you're trying to change lanes and someone let's you cut in - for God's sake WAVE!"

Take good care, and don't answer any questions you don't want to. (Unless they grill you under the bright lights, then sing like a canary)

You made me chuckle first thing this morning Rainycreek! Thanks....I love to start the day that way! You hit so many nails on the head that your arm should be tired! I hope people can see by example that the farther along this road that you travel, the clearer things seem to get.… Not always but sometimes.

My deepest condolences to you not only for the loss of your husband but for your precious daughter as well. Two of the most devastating events that can happen in a life and you're still standing! I know it's hard but good for you! Thanks for your reply to this post!
Kiss those sweet grand babies....they are blessed to have you!
Warm hugs coming your way!!!!
Darcie

i left the "thank you" off.

Yes, that is why I have been avoiding speaking with anyone other than my immediate friends and family. It is hard to have to say... I lost my husband 7 months ago. God Bless You! You have my deepest sympathy.
Elizabeth