Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
After 18 years, I couldn't carry the hardships of my loves alcoholism...So, I had to step out of the picture. from year 18 to 21, I fully surrendered to the Lord...and prayed a lot for Mark to be delivered from it. I felt like the 2 of us were designed for each other. He was so perfect for me...sober. Heavy alcoholism makes for utter insanity though. I was robbed of him through the addiction. I had to protect myself by keeping my love for him inside and not running to him in the insanity.
My heart would quicken evertime I would see him ...relief knowing he's ok.
Family and friends would always tell me when they saw him walking or riding his bike somewhere. I didn't tell them how much I depended on hearing of his sightings .
He realized that I had to be apart from it too, or it would kill me. Actually tried twice...suicide. the last time was 100 percent foolproof, but God had another plan for me. so yes. It is a miracle of God that I'm here...that was 3 years ago feb.18, 2013, when I had to step away. That's what it took for me to really let go of me and give my whole life to God. I couldn't be his savior...I couldn't heal the wounds that led to the addiction to alcohol.
So, 3 or 4 months back, my nephews had been getting calls from Mark when I wasn't home...he'd ask if I was there, and said he'd quit drinking and chat for a few minutes. I loved hearing this! I love him so unimaginably much, but also apprehensively. Well, then one day I answer the phone, it's my Mark. At the same time my bother and his wife had just came in the door...and I was embarrassed at what they would think of my talking to mark after it led me to ending my life...so I just blurted "I wish you would stop calling me completely!" him: never?!!!, me: YES! NEVER! I felt awful inside WHILE I was saying it and figured that one day he'd call again...and I'd tell him what I was experiencing.
This is so painful to me. I never got the chance. He spent his last 2 months on this earth in a rejection from me!
one month ago today I was leaving my house and my mind was FILLED with the song "II know you rider gonna miss me when I'm gone " I was singing it over and over. I said to myself, why is this song plastered in my mind?, well it's marks song to me , I need to pray for Mark". It was a short prayer as my grandson jumped in ready to go. So, we went to my mom's ( I'm her caregiver). Mom NEVER feels up to going out, she sleeps much of the time. But today, she agreed, so, as we're sitting in my car eating lunch, she has a major stroke!. I drove straight to the hospital and we were flown to Medford. That was all January 23rd. January 25th I was notified by the San Bernardino coroner that he was found unresponsive on a sidewalk on the 23rd and died at 5:26pm the 25th. San Bernardino is about a thousand miles from here. He said he died from pneumonia and kidney failure. I drove over a snowy mountain pass, took 2 trains, and 2 busses. The mortuary let me spend 45 minutes with him! He only had vision in his right eye and it was black and swollen completely shut. I have no answers...if he was beaten up?, robbed?...
My mom had a miraculous recovery getting the TPA clot busting drug. You can't tell she ever had a stroke at all 1 month ago. The city mom and I were flown to is where my daughter and granddaughter live that I had been completely cut from their lives for 5 and a half years . They came to the hospital! and we are communicating again!
You know...if I hadn't of been encouraged to go to dairy queens half price day, and mom been willing to go. I would have still been grieving my daughter and added my mother AND MY MARK. I know God has me. I stay under his wing. I don't have anyone sharing in grieving for him, but I have a lot of people who love and care for me. I don't bend people's ear with my grief since they aren't grieving. It helps me just reading others. I'm hurting by myself otherwise. I felt like I was going crazy a few times. I normally would have encouraged mark and talked with him and then said no to seeing him when he asked ....at least until I saw real proof and progress with the not drinking. The regret is really heavy. That song in my head was his goodbye song to me...down there alone on a sidewalk. He always sang to me, but when I needed to step back from him, he always sang that song. He was a beautiful, intense, tortured soul! I pray pray pray that he is at peace FREE! , that Jesus took him home!
My heart would quicken evertime I would see him ...relief knowing he's ok.
Family and friends would always tell me when they saw him walking or riding his bike somewhere. I didn't tell them how much I depended on hearing of his sightings .
He realized that I had to be apart from it too, or it would kill me. Actually tried twice...suicide. the last time was 100 percent foolproof, but God had another plan for me. so yes. It is a miracle of God that I'm here...that was 3 years ago feb.18, 2013, when I had to step away. That's what it took for me to really let go of me and give my whole life to God. I couldn't be his savior...I couldn't heal the wounds that led to the addiction to alcohol.
So, 3 or 4 months back, my nephews had been getting calls from Mark when I wasn't home...he'd ask if I was there, and said he'd quit drinking and chat for a few minutes. I loved hearing this! I love him so unimaginably much, but also apprehensively. Well, then one day I answer the phone, it's my Mark. At the same time my bother and his wife had just came in the door...and I was embarrassed at what they would think of my talking to mark after it led me to ending my life...so I just blurted "I wish you would stop calling me completely!" him: never?!!!, me: YES! NEVER! I felt awful inside WHILE I was saying it and figured that one day he'd call again...and I'd tell him what I was experiencing.
This is so painful to me. I never got the chance. He spent his last 2 months on this earth in a rejection from me!
one month ago today I was leaving my house and my mind was FILLED with the song "II know you rider gonna miss me when I'm gone " I was singing it over and over. I said to myself, why is this song plastered in my mind?, well it's marks song to me , I need to pray for Mark". It was a short prayer as my grandson jumped in ready to go. So, we went to my mom's ( I'm her caregiver). Mom NEVER feels up to going out, she sleeps much of the time. But today, she agreed, so, as we're sitting in my car eating lunch, she has a major stroke!. I drove straight to the hospital and we were flown to Medford. That was all January 23rd. January 25th I was notified by the San Bernardino coroner that he was found unresponsive on a sidewalk on the 23rd and died at 5:26pm the 25th. San Bernardino is about a thousand miles from here. He said he died from pneumonia and kidney failure. I drove over a snowy mountain pass, took 2 trains, and 2 busses. The mortuary let me spend 45 minutes with him! He only had vision in his right eye and it was black and swollen completely shut. I have no answers...if he was beaten up?, robbed?...
My mom had a miraculous recovery getting the TPA clot busting drug. You can't tell she ever had a stroke at all 1 month ago. The city mom and I were flown to is where my daughter and granddaughter live that I had been completely cut from their lives for 5 and a half years . They came to the hospital! and we are communicating again!
You know...if I hadn't of been encouraged to go to dairy queens half price day, and mom been willing to go. I would have still been grieving my daughter and added my mother AND MY MARK. I know God has me. I stay under his wing. I don't have anyone sharing in grieving for him, but I have a lot of people who love and care for me. I don't bend people's ear with my grief since they aren't grieving. It helps me just reading others. I'm hurting by myself otherwise. I felt like I was going crazy a few times. I normally would have encouraged mark and talked with him and then said no to seeing him when he asked ....at least until I saw real proof and progress with the not drinking. The regret is really heavy. That song in my head was his goodbye song to me...down there alone on a sidewalk. He always sang to me, but when I needed to step back from him, he always sang that song. He was a beautiful, intense, tortured soul! I pray pray pray that he is at peace FREE! , that Jesus took him home!
I can feel your pain thru your post. One of the hardest things for us to accept is that we can't save others from themselves. We can support them when they need help but ultimately they have to chose. From what I can tell you were there when you needed to be but at the same time you can't drown either so did right.
I lost my wife in August and she was Christian as am I. We never pushed our beliefs on anyone. In the spiritual realm we are in spiritual bodies that suffer no pain or suffering or any kind of disease. They are meant to be eternal unlike our flesh bodies that wear out and break down. I believe he is out of his suffering and pain in his spiritual body. We also believe we will all see each other again in that realm. Just stay strong in your faith He will see you thru this.
Peace, Tim
Mark was fortunate to have your love and I have no doubt
he knew you loved him. Alcoholism does some strange
things to people and I know as I lived with it for many
years. Thanks to God ( and I do means thanks to God ),
I gave it up many years ago as I knew I would lose my
dear wife if I hadn't. I had tried virtually everything. One
day, she told me she had been praying for me and she
suggested I pray. I did and it stopped instantly. I have often
thought perhaps He did it for her as much as He did for
me. She was truly a special child of God.
I agree with eighty8 and Tim. You will see him again and
there will be no evidence of the disease he suffered in his
life on this planet.
Blessings to all -
Darrell
.
Cliff was a recovering alcoholic. After a horrendous few years, which included in-patient rehab, counseling, 12-steps, and me losing all my friends and family support for staying with him, I left him and filed for divorce. It took months of being without me and our little boy (at the time it was just one son) was the thing that made him hit bottom and finally straighten himself out. By then, I had lost all support from family and friends, and putting our lives back together was really hard. He had drunk us into financial ruin as well. It wasn't easy putting our lives back together. So I do understand why you would have left him, how hard it is when you love them with every breath in your body but you know you can't stay, and how hard you can pray when all you want is the simple stuff - a sound marriage, a contented home life.
I am sorry you weren't together at the end. Even if you had been there, you probably would not have been able to prevent his death. Cliff was clean and sober a long time, and he died in my arms. I couldn't save him, not even with CPR. 8 paramedics couldn't either. Sometimes the whole process is not one we have ANY control over. We wish we did - if we were so powerful, who among us would not wish them back into being?? But we aren't given that power. We are, however, given the power to love them, remember them, honor them. That, at least, is something.
It will get easier with time and support. I am sorry you needed to find us, but wanted to tell you that I am glad you found us and to welcome you here. I lost Cliff 8 years ago, and I have been able to rebuild my life. You will, too, and you won't have to go it alone.
Love and Hugs,
Martha
One thing I'm 100% certain of....God is with me through everything and I trust him completely. Tim, Darrell, I know you're right. I was stronger than one could imagine trying to be/handle what only Jesus can. I was going under for the last time when I had to step away. At least then I was able to pray for him, and I did...ALOT. We had kindred spirits. our birthdays were 1 day apart.