Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
I hope this comes out right. I'm a little mixture of grief frustration, and probably about 3-4 other feelings I'm having a hard time identifying right now.
My wife passed away on the 9th of this month after dealing with brain cancer for the last 6 years. In October we found her cancer had gone from a grade 2 to a grade 4 glioblastoma. The doctors thought she might have a year, maybe a little more left after a successful brain surgery. But it came back faster than anyone expected. She started getting bad headaches on the 21st of December. We had her funeral last Wed. I have 4 kids but only 2 of them are home. A 12 year old and a 14 year old. They both have a hard time making friends at school. They don't like trying new things and were both very close to their mom.
They have been out of school since the 18th of December and tomorrow is their first day back. Both are nervous about going back. My daughter had a melt down tonight because she is worried that a couple of her teachers didn't dismiss her homework while she was gone. She's a very good student. That lead to nervousness, then missing mom, then crying, then asking if we could get a new mom, then asking if her aunt (who she really likes) could come live with us, then asking if we could get a nanny because she needed a friend and mom had been her best friend.
I wonder why I wasn't the one to be taken. It would have been easier on the family because I would have left enough insurance for my wife to stay home with the kids, but due to pre-tumor depression and some job changes that had life insurance tied to them we were rejected when we reapplied for life insurance and don't have that option now. I know losing either parent is hard on the kids, but it's hard to see what they are going through and I feel like the wrong parent was taken. On top of that I can see my daughter getting depressed at times. She gets really quiet (which is not like her) and gets a very sad look on her face.
People have all kinds of advice. Go see a counselor, do this, do that. But they don't know my kids. They are smart. They respect people who they believe care about them, not who are just coming around because they feel sorry for them losing their mother. They don't want a professional analyzing them, they want a friend who cares about what they care about and who will stick by them no matter what. They can tell what motivates people when they are trying to help.
I miss my wife. I'm not sure how badly that is affecting me because all of my attention is on the kids (and the house that happened to have a flood while the kids and I were at the hospital all day with my wife). Now it's time to get back to work tomorrow after over a month of being off. I don't feel like I'm ready to go back to work but I also don't think I really have a choice at this point. I'll hold up. I'm not crying at random times anymore. But there is a part of me that is worried that with so much going on I can't really give the kids what they need.
I have friends, neighbors, 3 sisters, 2 bothers, both parents still alive all asking what they can do for me as well. People telling me they'll do anything to help. Can I ask one to move in and be a best friend to my daughter or son? No, probably not. At a personal level I think that what I really need is someone to talk to. I don't need a therapist to tell me it's normal to grieve, and that is just takes time. I know that. I want someone who understands what I'm going through. Who understands me. But I don't think there is anyone like that now. I'm not a closed person and I have no problem telling people how I'm feeling (obviously from this post ), but I'm a lot like my kids. To really trust someone you have to know what they are like, how they think, and that they will standby you in all situations. I guess you only get that from a spouse or significant other, and now that's gone.
I guess that is a bit ironic in that I'm writing a post about this on a board that has a bunch of strangers on it, but I figure writing it out probably helps. I tell people I'm taking things a day at a time and my kids are too. All of the advice about how to deal and cope is great but the fact is it takes a day at time. Each requires something different. Each day has a hurdle I wasn't expecting and couldn't predict. What works for most people doesn't work for me, and doesn't seem to work for my kids. I feel like we are forging our own path here. The kids talk about it when they feel ready to, and they usually will only do it with me as long as no one else (including each other) is around.
My daughter has said some pretty mean things to my son saying he deserved what happened. She immediately felt bad about it and apologized, but it still affected him. My son doesn't want to go out a lot, but he's still playing with his friends. When we try and go see a movie he doesn't want to go. Maybe it's because it reminds him of going to movies with Mom... maybe not. He's not very talkative about that. Even trying to talk about it, or anything related to 'Mom', with him brings tears to his eyes. For those who are going to tell me that it takes time and he will get over it. I know... but I know him too. It will be a long time before he will talk about it willingly-- if ever.
I'm probably rambling at this point. It's good to write this stuff out. It helps me get my thoughts together. I hope everyone else is doing well, or at least the best they can-- and coping.
Kyle
My wife passed away on the 9th of this month after dealing with brain cancer for the last 6 years. In October we found her cancer had gone from a grade 2 to a grade 4 glioblastoma. The doctors thought she might have a year, maybe a little more left after a successful brain surgery. But it came back faster than anyone expected. She started getting bad headaches on the 21st of December. We had her funeral last Wed. I have 4 kids but only 2 of them are home. A 12 year old and a 14 year old. They both have a hard time making friends at school. They don't like trying new things and were both very close to their mom.
They have been out of school since the 18th of December and tomorrow is their first day back. Both are nervous about going back. My daughter had a melt down tonight because she is worried that a couple of her teachers didn't dismiss her homework while she was gone. She's a very good student. That lead to nervousness, then missing mom, then crying, then asking if we could get a new mom, then asking if her aunt (who she really likes) could come live with us, then asking if we could get a nanny because she needed a friend and mom had been her best friend.
I wonder why I wasn't the one to be taken. It would have been easier on the family because I would have left enough insurance for my wife to stay home with the kids, but due to pre-tumor depression and some job changes that had life insurance tied to them we were rejected when we reapplied for life insurance and don't have that option now. I know losing either parent is hard on the kids, but it's hard to see what they are going through and I feel like the wrong parent was taken. On top of that I can see my daughter getting depressed at times. She gets really quiet (which is not like her) and gets a very sad look on her face.
People have all kinds of advice. Go see a counselor, do this, do that. But they don't know my kids. They are smart. They respect people who they believe care about them, not who are just coming around because they feel sorry for them losing their mother. They don't want a professional analyzing them, they want a friend who cares about what they care about and who will stick by them no matter what. They can tell what motivates people when they are trying to help.
I miss my wife. I'm not sure how badly that is affecting me because all of my attention is on the kids (and the house that happened to have a flood while the kids and I were at the hospital all day with my wife). Now it's time to get back to work tomorrow after over a month of being off. I don't feel like I'm ready to go back to work but I also don't think I really have a choice at this point. I'll hold up. I'm not crying at random times anymore. But there is a part of me that is worried that with so much going on I can't really give the kids what they need.
I have friends, neighbors, 3 sisters, 2 bothers, both parents still alive all asking what they can do for me as well. People telling me they'll do anything to help. Can I ask one to move in and be a best friend to my daughter or son? No, probably not. At a personal level I think that what I really need is someone to talk to. I don't need a therapist to tell me it's normal to grieve, and that is just takes time. I know that. I want someone who understands what I'm going through. Who understands me. But I don't think there is anyone like that now. I'm not a closed person and I have no problem telling people how I'm feeling (obviously from this post ), but I'm a lot like my kids. To really trust someone you have to know what they are like, how they think, and that they will standby you in all situations. I guess you only get that from a spouse or significant other, and now that's gone.
I guess that is a bit ironic in that I'm writing a post about this on a board that has a bunch of strangers on it, but I figure writing it out probably helps. I tell people I'm taking things a day at a time and my kids are too. All of the advice about how to deal and cope is great but the fact is it takes a day at time. Each requires something different. Each day has a hurdle I wasn't expecting and couldn't predict. What works for most people doesn't work for me, and doesn't seem to work for my kids. I feel like we are forging our own path here. The kids talk about it when they feel ready to, and they usually will only do it with me as long as no one else (including each other) is around.
My daughter has said some pretty mean things to my son saying he deserved what happened. She immediately felt bad about it and apologized, but it still affected him. My son doesn't want to go out a lot, but he's still playing with his friends. When we try and go see a movie he doesn't want to go. Maybe it's because it reminds him of going to movies with Mom... maybe not. He's not very talkative about that. Even trying to talk about it, or anything related to 'Mom', with him brings tears to his eyes. For those who are going to tell me that it takes time and he will get over it. I know... but I know him too. It will be a long time before he will talk about it willingly-- if ever.
I'm probably rambling at this point. It's good to write this stuff out. It helps me get my thoughts together. I hope everyone else is doing well, or at least the best they can-- and coping.
Kyle
So I say when people ask what do you need and how can they help just be honest and say, like I did, 'I don't know what I need' and they will respond by thinking of something they can do and it will help you! For the kids the school guidance counselor can be an informal no. Threatening way for them to just talk about how they're feeling and that may help. Today after they get home from their first day back maybe go out for ice cream and just sit and talk about how school and work went. Good luck and take care.
We need answers. There are none. We have regrets, concerns and no solutions at least right now. I know. I have been there too. Let the feelings come. Let the tears come. Let your children know that they are okay and you will get through this together. Let them know that you miss her too and they're not alone. The bond of your grief will be your strength and theirs.
When you feeling overcome with it talk with this bunch of strangers who will become a bunch of friends. They did for me. Sharon
Thanks for sharing your life with us. It's just so comforting, to me, to know that there are other people sharing my EXACT situation and grief journey. To know that I'm not alone is so affirming.
My kids are older than yours but what they're going through doesn't change......they miss their Dad, they're angry at me because I'm still here. Oh! They didn't exactly put that into words but they didn't have to. They're short, impatient and even unkind at times to me. It feels really awful. Sometimes I say something to them and sometimes I let them have lots of space to get it off their chests. I can have a houseful of kids, dog, family and I feel utterly and painfully ALONE!!!!
It's been 21 months and I have to say, the kids are not as unkind and I'm not crying as much but it still HURTS SO DAMN MUCH!!!!
Thanks for listening to me and, again, thanks for sharing your journey.
Warmly,
Roz
I am fortunate, if you can call it that, my children are all over the age of 21. What I find the hardest is that I dont know what they are going through. My mother is still alive, so I havent had to experience the grief of losing her. I know that my grief is different than theirs, so I just try to be there and listen when they need it and encourage them to talk, when they start to show signs of irritability.
I also find that writing out my thoughts helps in organizing them, and relieving some of the stress and aggravation.
I have found DS to be a great place to do that, to vent, to ask questions. We are not alone, here, others have been through it and like me and you are just starting their journey.
Again, I am sorry for your loss, and will keep you in my thoughts.
My daughter is in college, and had to leave school when her father was dying. Her professors went through the usual procedure of "here's the work you need to complete". I was blown away at the lack of compassion and understanding. At that point she couldn't concentrate or think, and was exhausted by grief. I contacted several different people at the school until I finally found someone with compassion and the authority to help my daughter. This wonderful woman contacted my daughters professors. Two of them forgave her for any missed work and gave her an A in the classes, and the other 2 required minimal make up work and gave her 6 months to complete. Believe it or not, the so called "crisis office" was not helpful, so I just kept making calls until I found the right person. It took so much pressure off my daughter.
I have also found the local hospice bereavement group to be a great support. My daughter didn't want to go, but she finally did, and shared her grief. It was good for her to get the emotions out. There are some support groups that cater to different age groups, and use creative forms of therapy, such as art and music. There might be some in your area. Please seek them out. This is a very isolating experience, and only others that have been through it truly understand and make you feel emotionally supported. In grief group my daughter was able to express how alone she feels because she doesn't have any peers who have experienced the loss of a parent, so even when she is with friends that love her, she still feels alone in her grief.
I wish you the best as you travel this journey. Hang in there. I'm glad you found this group. I don't post often, but I check in and read the posts daily, and I find a lot of support from this community.
My daughter came home really happy and we had a long talk tonight before she went to bed. Her fears have been calmed and she's in a good place.
It's funny that when my kids are doing well I seem to be doing well. When they struggle I struggle.
My two sons are both on the autism spectrum - I have an Aspie and an Autie. Cliff was their primary caregiver from the time they were babies. We did a full role-reversal -- I put on the suit and grabbed a briefcase and went to the office everyday, while he did the school run and worked part-time from home. In consequence, my sons were closer to their Dad than to me, and when Cliff died suddenly, their grief was as immense as mine was, albeit different. They also witnessed his death, Cliff died of a heart attack, and the trauma and shock was pretty horrendous all the way around.
My younger son was still in high school. He received grief counseling from the school psychologist and his guidance counselor. His teachers were made aware by the guidance counselor of the gamut of emotions he might experience during his grieving. This was very helpful, especially when he had an angry outburst at one of his teachers - anger being one of the things that does eventually pop up. He could have been suspended and a black mark put on his academic career at a crucial time. Instead, his teacher said that she knew it was the grief and that he was not really angry at her, just his situation. I tell you this for two reasons, one is that I understand your reluctance and even your kids' reluctance to talk to anyone else. Your kids sound a lot like my guys. But the counseling via the schools was helpful both emotionally and academically, and I would encourage you to seek it out for them. The other thing is that I was on complete overwhelm, suddenly becoming a single parent on top of everything else, and it was helpful for ME to know that someone else had our backs. The counseling through the school was also FREE, which for me was also helpful.
For myself and my older son, the Employee Assistance Program at work provided free counseling for both of us. Counseling was my private place to scream and cry and vent -- away from the kids -- which I needed. Because my bosses knew I was in the EAP counseling, it also reassured them that I was working on dealing with my problems. It wasn't easy for my work-mates to deal with me breaking down, and it wasn't easy for me to deal with the insensitive and thoughtless things that were said to me. The EAP counseling really helped me get through that hellish first year. If you have access to it, I would encourage you to try it.
There will be many challenges for you and for them. But I want you to know that you CAN get through this. If we could, honestly, anybody could. We still miss Cliff, we still talk about him all the time. It's not just his history, it's ours, too. My sons and I became a lot closer through our loss and healing together. It's not going to be a walk in the park, I won't lie to you, but you can do this, and we will help all we can.
I am sorry you have to be here, but glad you found us.
Love and Hugs,
Martha