Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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patty6953 12/12/2015

I feel guilty that I didn't do something to prevent my husband David from passing away. He'd been experiencing lower back pain for awhile now and was being seen about it. They were going to do an MRI and had an appointment for a specialist. He was having no feeling in his lower back and lower area and down his left leg. It was like the shot you get from the doctor. If someone poked or smacked it you felt it but no sensitivity. He had major pain in the left leg the week before he past they figured it was due to his lower back. He saw the doctor three days before he passed. I told him to ask about Blood clots I have no clue if he did. He has phyiscal therapy that day and then his doc appoint and I had to go to work. He said it all went good and his doc even took him off his blood pressure med which he'd mentioned at the visit before he might do.

Now I feel like I should have done more. I wake up dreaming he's calling my name and he's not gone come find me. I had the dream last week that he was in this room surrounded with guys in suits and he was sitting ina chair and they turned on a computer screen seeing me in our bed with our cats curled around me crying - he screamed to let him go and he needed to get back to me - they said no everyone thinks your dead and you have a mission to do. My brain I guess trying to rationalize all this and this isn't true and he's not really gone. But, I know he is and he's cremated and in the Urn next to our bed.

I just want this nightmare over with and him back in my arms. It's just so unfair. He'd had a bad marriage before me and we'd only had 11 years together - 8 years as his wife. He'd retired last July and we had so many damn plans! Now I'm having to move and trying to keep our children and I have no clue what the hell I should do. Just going through the motions and trying to stay busy and cleaning our place up and going through things and selling some stuff. Today marks the month anniversary of his death - techniqually it's Monday. But, it's four weeks today since it was the 14th of Nov on a Saturday! I just want to wake up from this nightmare!

cliffskat 12/12/2015

Patty it was not your fault. We all wonder if there was more we should have done or could have done. Honestly, there wasn't. We're not gods, we're people. You did some very important - you loved him, and he knew you loved him. He lived with your love surrounding him.

Don't beat yourself up over his death. It sounds like he had some medical problems for a long time, and that you took good care of him, and probably gave him extra years he otherwise would not have had. That does matter.

I am so sorry for your loss. Don't give up, you will get through this.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

catinawoolstonlawyer 12/12/2015

I know where your coming from, the day my husband passed I asked him that morning if he was ok, he didn't look right to me of course he said he was just tired it was 4:30 in the morning when we left that Friday. He had not been having health issues, but had been to he a cdl physical the week before. I told him have the doctor check your heart doc til him he was healthy and i was just worried. I had dreams the first week we were in the semi and flashbacks of him falling . If only I would of went by my instint something was wrong maybe he would be here today.

Norske1 12/12/2015

I think it is natural to beat yourself up. I did for a long time after Al passed on 11/9/14. When he was diagnosed with cancer, I did everything I could; we had the best oncologist at the U of M; I made him drink shakes made with kale; and the list goes on. And yet I lost him.

Then I felt I must have been a terrible person to be the first one of friends and family to lose my spouse, that maybe I was too bossy, maybe.....maybe.....maybe.

I am doing better now and have decided to thank God over and over for blessing me with this wonderful man for 37 years of marriage.

Be good to yourself; your husband does not blame you and Al doesn't blame me.

patty6953 12/12/2015

I know I shouldn't blame myself, but still the dreams and the guilt are there. I haven't been able to call his mother or go and see her since Thanksgiving because I felt like I let her down by not saving her eldest son. He has an elder sister but she died still born. My best friend Melanie came to the hospital that day and said it wasn't supposed to be me it was supposed to be her going through this. Her husband had a brain anerism and he's been on a trake and in a nursing home for three years. Everyone tells me it's not my fault and I did give him the best 11 years of his life and 8 years as his wife. Since his first wife well we won't go there at all. Needless to say no one liked her and most of her family also told me and David when he introduced me to them that it was about time he found someone to put that light back in his eyes. I just can't seem to shake the guilt especially since we'd had a big fight the weekend before. Of course over stupid shit! I know I shouldn't think this way - but it still pops into my mind. I still feel like sometimes it's all a nightmare and he's calling me to find him. From what I'm told this is normal going through the grief process. But, yet I still can't shake it. I've also had issues going into stores - I'm in and out so fast it scares me because I start to panic. He'd always go shopping with me and literally would name things off the shelf - sometimes I'd say oh yeah I need that - other times I'd just roll my eyes - I miss it so much!

AfterMom 12/12/2015

I think we can all try to blame ourselves for something.
but the fact is, my husband just up and died. I have thought "well he did seem very tired the night before". or, "if I knew how to do CPR, maybe he wouldn't have died, they could've kept him alive" because I heard the last breaths leave his body. but I really do not know when he last INhaled a breath..
I think it is part of grief that we have almost wishful thinking that something could have prevented our spouse from dying... or blame ourselves or their medical care.
We could torment ourselves, or sue a Dr..
For me, in the end, none of that does any good. I have to let go because he is gone.
That is what I am left with.

cgriff4ever 12/12/2015

Patty such as your situation. I have gone through all the woulda coulda, shoulda, and there is nothing we could have done. Just know that when he passed, he passed having been loved, totally and completely. thats what sean wrote me in one of his love letters, when we were dating and married , even when he were to take his last breath, having had his true love... I know for me, having had my true love, after two failed marriages, was a gift from god. I wouldnt take that back for anything. I'm sorry you feel guilty or are having nightmares. I hope as time goes by, you will realize it was not your fault, never will be, and that you couldn't have prevented your husbands passing. much love and big hugs carla

jewells1 12/12/2015

I agree with others , we can't change what happened with hindsight.
Gentle hugs and be gentle with yourself.
Jewell

patty6953 12/12/2015

Thanks and I know there is nothing I can do about it and I know it wasn't my fault but the guilt is still there! From everything I'm told it's normal. But, I just wish this nightmare would never have happened and it's all totally unfair! My brother-in-law says we can change the place but not our time and I know this is right but still I'm angry as hell! But, I guess since it's only a month I've just got to take it moment at a time!

mrsbruneau2 12/13/2015

I too recently had a nightmare involving my husband Al. I dreamed I walked into a motel room and his body was on the bed, in the same position as when he died. For a long time I felt incredible guilt for not being able to kick his cancer into remission. He had said to me many times in the course of our relationship that "you make my life. You're keeping me alive." So when he finally lost his battle I felt I had let myself and his family down. My stepdaughter finally told me that nobody could have saved him, not even himself, and that I kept him alive far longer by being with him than had he been alone. That's when i realized none of what happened was really my fault. It was crappy circumstances. So I hope you'r not too hard on yourself Patty. Like another poster said we're not gods. Sometimes I just wish we had more say in these matters.

Shrn 12/13/2015

I think we all go through the feelings of wanting to do something, anything to change what happened. The truth is that we have a great many things that are not in our control. Until something happens like this we are unaware of it.
We had so many plans for the future. We planned and prepared so conscientiously. Never considering that we would never accomplish our plans.
I went through the I should have done more. Then I felt guilty for not being good enough. Just know you did all you could and they knew how much you loved them. Sharon

garrykowalewski 12/13/2015

Hi Patty, I am having those as well.

sandeestttn 12/14/2015

I had the worse nightmare last night. I woke up in a sweat. Refused to go back to sleep. It was my husband, yelling, screaming at me. I couldn't get away!!!..It has been almost 3 years. I was doing so good too.... sigh Sandee

Rainbow27 12/14/2015

It all takes so long for all of us not to beat ourselves up for what we could have done or not done differently. I try every day to tell myself that I did the best I could to take care of my husband. He had an annual physical in April that year, two months later stage iv cancer. Obviously something was missed, but I am sure my husband was telling doctor how much he hiked and went to gym and worked out. He didn't smoke or drink. Trying always not to replay the tape in my head. Slowly getting better, but it is a journey to heal. I know my husband always said life is so short and to enjoy each day. So I strive for acceptance and try to find a bit of joy each day.

patty6953 12/14/2015

Thanks everyone! As my brother-in-law stated at the Viewing, you can maybe change the place but it's our time it's our time. Granted, I still blame myself - less tonight than I did earlier before my first meeting. But, still the woulda, coulda, shoulda keeps slamming me in the head. I loved him so damn much and he was my world. I honestly do not want to go on without him but know he'd want me to. For our family, friends and our furballs sake. It's hard seeing friends and family happy with their significant others and spouses. I feel cheated or I did something wrong. I know it's stupid but the way I feel. I know I can't go back and change anything even though I'd give my soul to do so. But, the rarity is he was taken away from me and until it's my time and if their really is a heaven or whatever we'll be together again.

One moment at a time - be it 5mins, 30 mins, an hour, 5 hours or a day. Garry I'm thinking of you! I'm so sorry for your loss!

barbarame 12/19/2015

Guilt is the most draining of emotions - and the most undeserved. We have no power to change that which, from the beginning of time was meant to be. Tender love goes out to you in your pain, from us - those who understand. xxx

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