Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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letmehelpyou 10/19/2016

You can disagree, and you can be mad at me for writing this, the journey we go through when we lose a spouse is horrible, but....it forces us to analyze who we are, who we want to be, how we want to live our lives. In my personal journey, it forced me to grow in unexpected ways, gave me an understanding of life and loss that I never expected. Grief made me grow into a different person, really, a better person than I was before, more aware of others and their struggles and the finite beauty of our lives.

At first, you see nothing and feel nothing but grief and loss, it overwhelms you. It is like drowning, but when you start to catch your breathe and start treading water, you see an entirely different world, and you make a choice. Actually, you make many choices and all of them impact who you become and they are not easy choices, but you choose. You choose to clean the closet, or not. You choose to find a new job, or stay with the old one. You choose to sell the house, keep the house, buy a dog, fix the window, clean the car, etc... And you choose and you build on those choices. And slowly you gain confidence in those choices and in yourself. You still grieve but you learn to live your life in grief.

And at some point, at least for me, you choose life, you choose risk, you choose putting it all out there. You choose to fight for real joy. Are you joyful all the time? No. I still wake up every morning and say J.R. is not here; but then I say my love for him still is. I then say but my mother is here, my dogs are here, I am here, Pat is here. Life is good and I love it. I will carry J.R in a special place in my heart but I will live a full life dammit! I will have holidays, joy, dinner in front of the T.V. I will also have more sorrow and more loss in my life. That is the price of truly living.

So does it get better? I don't know. It has changed forever, it has made me truly appreciate my life, my choices, my loves. What is better? I don't know, I only know that I choose to live and make the most out of every second I have. Have I found balance? Yes. Have I found joy? Yes. Do I believe in happily ever after? No, I believe in happy for the moment, for the day. I am no longer in that dark place struggling not to drown, I am in the light, in the moment, for now.

Hugs,

Val

Markie 10/19/2016

Hello Val, Thank you for posting this. I am four months into this nightmare. You give me hope that this is not the way the rest of my life will be....
Thank you.

Blessings and Hope for today... Mark

raininseattle 10/19/2016

Thanks for the message! I think there is something to say about once you have gone through the grief process, and you realize there are only so many heartbeats to go, you start to think do you want to live the rest of your life in tears and in looking back, or do you want to find a new life that will bring hope, joy, and a general change of direction. Not to say I'm out of the rabbit hole yet, but I think I am feeling it clearer by the day.
I was watching the Jays won over the Indians yesterday. Josh Donaldson's post-game comment was, "We believe we create our own fate." There is a lot of truth in it, which reflects your message as well.

If my belief was that God is the ultimate source of love, I feel good in a way that my partner has moved on to receive this greater source of love. In an altruistic way, I feel good about myself able to love her and share my life with her during the time she has, until she receives this greater love. I have this feeling of handing her over to God and says, "I have tried to love her the only way I knew of, and now please love her as much."

onebrokenheart 10/19/2016

Hi Val, it's like you were writing my thoughts. I find I am forever changed. In the past 3.8 years I have done some soul searching. I found I had regrets and even pockets of anger. I made a conscious decision that I would do differently in any future relationship. And yes I soul searched and knew I would take the risk of loving again. I have made the decision to live bravely and boldly which is almost total opposite of who I once was. I have decided the rest of my life really matters and the quality of my life so I no longer put everyone else's needs before mine. Before, my wishes wants and needs were often sacrificed in effort to satisfy others people's agenda's even when it was detrimental to my own well being or sense of self..

onebrokenheart 10/19/2016

Ok, some reason I was kick out.. so here is the rest...

I find I feel restless. I feel that time is marching on and it's gaining momentum. I feel there is just not that much time to mess around so when I find something I want to do I want to do it now. I find I don't worry as much about the future. My feeling now is that future will take care of itself and I will be just fine. I already survived the worst I could imagine so I know I am going to be ok.

laurie1209 10/19/2016

Very well said.
Thank you for sharing

msgood 10/19/2016

Again very well said thank you for sharing we all need to hear this heart warming message.

letmehelpyou 10/19/2016

Thank you all for your responses. None of this easy, nothing is ever the same, but.... you grow, adapt, change. Only you can decide how you do it and who you want to be. Sometimes I think that I am a fool for throwing it all out there and opening myself up to devastating loss and sorrow but I decided that that was my choice and the only way to truly live.

handg 10/19/2016

Thank You for such a truthful post. I can relate to this and know that I myself, at the start of my journey, was not able to see or believe and that as you said, one day I was able to see a different world. At the time it felt out of my reach but I started to go towards it and bit by bit I made progress.

emerald15 10/19/2016

Hi letmehelpyou, I was wondering exactly what you mean when you say "I think I am a fool for throwing it all out there and opening myself up to devastating loss and sorrow", because I think that is what I have done since my husband, John, died in August 2015, throwing myself out there, too, too soon, and just getting into more sadness and trouble. Does that mean the things we do afterwards bring on more trouble and wrong decisions, like going to Christmas 2015 dances to try and move forward but just freaking out because my John was not there to dance with me to the music? Too soon. So now, 14 months later, I find stability in just staying quiet, calm, stay by myself at home, and it seems to smooth out my life. Thanks for your introspective thoughts here.
Nanette

Prashant 10/19/2016

Thanks Val for posting this and giving us a new hope. Its really appreciated.

Bstillnknow86 10/19/2016

You have penned what I have been sensing, and although I'm only a month in and feel a bit guilty about this emotion, it is a truth I can't escape. My sentiments exactly.

rebl3157 10/19/2016

At 2 years and 3 months I can see again too. I have changed a lot. I am stronger and more independent. I don't sweat problems anymore. I've been through the worse thing ever! It can't get any worse. I'm not in a hurry to get anywhere, I'm more considerate of that "crazy driver" wondering if grief has entered their lives. It messed with my memory, my sense of direction, every part of my being. I like being by myself not answering to anyone but God and my dog. Eat what I want, when I want. I never thought I would be here, but I like me!
Rachel

munmun 10/19/2016

So life is possible after this huge loss . I feel guilty that m alive and he is gone , that I can eat his favorite food and he can't , that I can watch his fav series and he can't , that I can live and he couldn't . He was snatched away . Is it ok to feel so ? Glad to know you could feel happy again , joy again , breathe again , while again . I can't imagine all this for me :( sorry didn't wanted to be drowning but that's where I am .

letmehelpyou 10/20/2016

Rachel, I think that was my most important break through, liking myself as myself, not as a reflection in my husband's eyes.
Munmun, early going for you, baby steps, I am 5 years out. I felt like I was drowning for the first 18 months. Please be kind to yourself give yourself time to absorb this loss and decide how you want to approach your life.
Nanette, yes, partially. If you try, really try, you can still really fail. And that failure hurts, but for me it hurt less than not trying.
I also meant that I chose to love again as deeply as I loved my husband. I chose it willingly, knowing that I face a possible shipwreck again. That I can lose Pat and again be devastated by loss. Eyes wide open and no belief in happily ever after, I chose love, realizing that I chose possible loss. I am a naturally cautious girl, so my first instinct was to never fall in love again, but I did. And so now I have had three great years with Pat, and hope for many many more, but realize that they are not a given but a gift.
Hugs,
Val

WormieGirl 10/20/2016

Well said. It definately forces you to figure out who you are now. I find myself quaking in my shoes with all this newness. I don't handle change well.

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