Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
For me the grieving process actually begin 12 years ago this month. At that time my husband fell and suffered a traumatic brain injury which forever changed our lives. My husband Vic was a very talented self taught musician and oil painter www.vicbehm.com. At the time of his TBI he was in intensive care for a month with another month of rehab. His TBI affected his memory, cognition, and overall personality. He had a great sense of humor, in addition to his creativity and above average intellect and ability to see what others could not, which is what made him a great painter.
The Drs. weren't sure to what extent the TBI would affect his life, they weren't even sure if he would survive and there were many times during that first month where I didn't think he was going to, at first he couldn't even talk, and had no purposeful movement, he had to be fed through a feeding tube, but each week, things started to reconnect. When I first brought him home from the hospital, he wasn't even sure who I was at first and he couldn't remember things that involved his painting and his music, he also lost his passion for those things. My role in his life changed from wife to caretaker at that time.
He would try to paint and play music at first, but he no longer had the ability to concentrate enough to do the detailed work that he once did and after awhile he stopped trying.
So since that time, I often found myself silently thinking and grieving over the loss of what he once was, even though he was still present. His quality of life continued to deteriorate as well as his health and mental state, he became very childlike in many ways and totally dependent on me for everything, even simple things like using the remote for the TV. As his dementia worsened, I began to become concerned that at some point, he wouldn't know who I was anymore. He had fallen down a couple of years ago and fractured his pelvis and was in a nursing home for 2 months, it was a nightmare for both him and I and I was so happy to bring him home. I prayed I would never have to leave him in a nursing home again.
So in March, he had a urinary tract infection, I gave him antibiotics as usual but this time he didn't seem to get better, one night I noticed he seemed very weak and I found he was running a temp. I took him to the ER because with previous UTI's, sepsis had developed and weakness and fever were symptoms he had had with previous bouts with sepsis which is always an emergency situation.
To make a long story short, there was no sepsis but during a CT scan they noticed a "mass" on his left kidney about 17cm, later it was determined to be cancer. By that time, he was too weak to survive surgery so I brought him home under hospice care, he continued to get weaker and weaker, he had already lost over 40 lbs, I had previously brought up his weight loss to the Drs. because he had lost over 30 lbs. in just a few months but they never followed up on it.
He lived for 2 weeks after I brought him home, during that time he barely ate and for the last 4 days ate nothing at all and barely drank. I could tell the day before, he was going to go soon, he passed away on April 11, 2016. He went very peacefully and I am very thankful for that, I know that everything is in God's perfect timing, and even though I didn't want it to be, I had to accept God's will. In a way it was a blessing, because I never had to put him in a nursing home again.
I miss him each and every day, he was my soulmate, we shared so much together throughout the 33 years we were married, our love of art, music, our tastes in food, rainy days, the list goes on and on. Our love will last through eternity and I know now that he is with God and is happy and I will see him again. Now I am no longer grieving the loss of his talent and his person, I am grieving the physical loss of him as well but I know with God's help and comfort somehow I will survive. Faith is still seeing light with your heart when all your eyes see is darkness.
The Drs. weren't sure to what extent the TBI would affect his life, they weren't even sure if he would survive and there were many times during that first month where I didn't think he was going to, at first he couldn't even talk, and had no purposeful movement, he had to be fed through a feeding tube, but each week, things started to reconnect. When I first brought him home from the hospital, he wasn't even sure who I was at first and he couldn't remember things that involved his painting and his music, he also lost his passion for those things. My role in his life changed from wife to caretaker at that time.
He would try to paint and play music at first, but he no longer had the ability to concentrate enough to do the detailed work that he once did and after awhile he stopped trying.
So since that time, I often found myself silently thinking and grieving over the loss of what he once was, even though he was still present. His quality of life continued to deteriorate as well as his health and mental state, he became very childlike in many ways and totally dependent on me for everything, even simple things like using the remote for the TV. As his dementia worsened, I began to become concerned that at some point, he wouldn't know who I was anymore. He had fallen down a couple of years ago and fractured his pelvis and was in a nursing home for 2 months, it was a nightmare for both him and I and I was so happy to bring him home. I prayed I would never have to leave him in a nursing home again.
So in March, he had a urinary tract infection, I gave him antibiotics as usual but this time he didn't seem to get better, one night I noticed he seemed very weak and I found he was running a temp. I took him to the ER because with previous UTI's, sepsis had developed and weakness and fever were symptoms he had had with previous bouts with sepsis which is always an emergency situation.
To make a long story short, there was no sepsis but during a CT scan they noticed a "mass" on his left kidney about 17cm, later it was determined to be cancer. By that time, he was too weak to survive surgery so I brought him home under hospice care, he continued to get weaker and weaker, he had already lost over 40 lbs, I had previously brought up his weight loss to the Drs. because he had lost over 30 lbs. in just a few months but they never followed up on it.
He lived for 2 weeks after I brought him home, during that time he barely ate and for the last 4 days ate nothing at all and barely drank. I could tell the day before, he was going to go soon, he passed away on April 11, 2016. He went very peacefully and I am very thankful for that, I know that everything is in God's perfect timing, and even though I didn't want it to be, I had to accept God's will. In a way it was a blessing, because I never had to put him in a nursing home again.
I miss him each and every day, he was my soulmate, we shared so much together throughout the 33 years we were married, our love of art, music, our tastes in food, rainy days, the list goes on and on. Our love will last through eternity and I know now that he is with God and is happy and I will see him again. Now I am no longer grieving the loss of his talent and his person, I am grieving the physical loss of him as well but I know with God's help and comfort somehow I will survive. Faith is still seeing light with your heart when all your eyes see is darkness.
Before responding, I checked out the link to your husband's work. He was very talented- you must be very proud.
I am so sorry for your loss. My husband passed away on December 29th after a very short battle with throat cancer. I wasn't prepared- but I don't think anyone ever is truly prepared.
Please continue to share here. We do care- and though the grief process is unique to each person, you'll find that, as mourners, we all share some commonality and it can be very comforting to know you are not alone in your feelings of loss.
May You Find Peace,
Robyne
Yes I was always very proud of my husband's work, it was always our dream that one day he would be successful as an artist, unfortunately, although most of his paintings sold, he was never a recognized artist. Being any type of artist whether visual, performing or music is a hard field to break into, his musical ability as a jazz bass player was also as good as his painting. I often vision him painting and playing in heaven for God now.
I hope you find comfort and support here with us and we can get to know each other better. Sharon
In my personal life, I have 4 friends who have also lost their husbands, one of them lost hers just a month before I lost Vic, another one is my sister-in-law, Vic's sister, who lost her husband last October.
I also find that it is the small things we shared, like eating dinner, and him not being there when I come home are the times when I feel the most sad.Throughout the day, I just try to keep my mind occupied, but every once in awhile a fleeting thought or something I see will remind me of him or of something we once shared. It's hard to imagine life without him, but I know I just have to take it one day at a time.
After Vic's TBI, we rented a house in the country by the ocean for awhile, we had to sell our home by the ocean because I had just recently lost my job of over 30 years a few months before Vic's fall and at first I could not work because Vic needed full time care. I started painting also, in watercolor. My main motivation was that I was hoping that maybe if I started painting, that he would start again also, and he did for a little while, he completed one painting after his TBI.
Many people have told me I should start painting again, I thought about it and went and brought all of my art stuff out of storage, as I started looking through it, I just felt an overwhelming sadness, because most of my joy from painting was sharing it with him and seeing his happiness over the work I had done. I don't know if I will ever paint again but right now, it just makes me sad thinking about it.
Maybe we look to the wrong place for the definition of success. When I was young- and whimsical- I wanted to be, first a hobo- (because isn't the hobos life fascinating?) and then, because adults convinced me a hobo's life can be dangerous... I wanted to be a writer. My only goal as a writer was to change one person's perspective. As a way to launch my chosen ambition- I wrote a letter to the editor of our small local newspaper. I was a junior in high school and due to a troubled home life, living in a group home. I wrote about Christmas and how the community always made Christmas so special for those of us living at the home. My letter to the editor was published and brought me some letters of my own. One was from an elderly lady- who wrote that she had been having difficulty believing that the younger generation had the same values as her generation. She thanked me for changing her opinion about the matter. Wa-la! I met my goal as a writer and was successful! (Now the goal of making a living was entirely different and I still struggle with that!)
I would say your husband was a successful artist. He created works of beauty- and he opens the mind of his viewers to everyday sights that we don't see much beauty in with our ordinary eyes- but with his artist's take- they become magnificent.
Besides, isn't it most common that the value of an artist's work isn't discovered until the artist himself is gone? Vic's day of recognition may come yet!
Robyne
He is with the Lord now, and I know he is happy and at peace and I will see him again, I find some comfort in knowing that. I asked him right before he passed if he was ready to meet the Lord, his voice was so weak it was just a whisper but he nodded his head and said yes. I know God knew better than me when to take him home.
Even though we know they are with God, it still hurts. And your right God is with you and will always be with you, all you have to do is stay with Him. He will never leave you or forsake you if you don.t leave Him. The Bible tells us that all things we go thru are common to man and He will never allow us to go thru anything that we can't handle but always thru Him. You will see him again, like you said when it's God's will for our race to be over. All things are according to His plan.
Please take care of you, my prayers are with you.
Peace, Tim