that is why I didn't go, knew it would be very hard. This site helps me a lot. A Book Reflections of a Grieving Spouse. good. We are walking thru the valley of the shadow of death and it is not an easy journey. God bless.

I went to a hospice counselor in the beginning and all I did was cry. I didn't go back again since I felt worse. Then I went to grief share and it was ok, and I didn't cry. The only thing that will bring you a better feeling is TIME and lots of it. Take your time, no rush, it will happen.
Some say counseling helps, I don't think so for me.
Hugs,
JoAnn

Truthfully I believe the crying and pain experienced is a necessary part of the healing process. That said each session I had with my counselor I needed to feel I gained insight that would allow me to make baby steps forward. Another persons spin on things so to speak. Most of the time I did gain insights but I had to go through pain and crying to get there. Ultimately you have to decide if its working for you. We are all built different. Wishing you only the best. Gerald

I didn't begin counseling until my husband had been gone for a year. For me it has been quite helpful in that she has helped me to see why I am going through what I am going through. She has helped to explain my husband's actions as well as other peoples' behavior toward me. I have found it very healing even though it is the place I seem to shed the most tears!

Counseling is not a "one size fits all". I tried a bereavement group early on but was not ready for that. A few months after my husband's death I went to a counselor who helped me quite a bit. Like you, one of the things I had to work through was what I could have done to prevent my husband's death. I believe I mentioned in another post that my counselor asked me how I thought I could have prevented his death when the health care professionals themselves could not do it. Also like you, my early sessions consisted of me crying for the hour...but eventually, the crying lessened somewhat and I was able to work through things. What may have helped me may not be what you need, but I would encourage you to give this some more time. Also, please consider reading the following books by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, "On Grief and Grieving" and "On Life after Death". My counselor recommended these and I checked them out of the library. They helped me so much that I purchased copies. I still pick them up to read when I need them. Please hang in there!

I go for other things as well as my loss of John, but some route planning ahead helps.

Allow your self some decompress time. Go where there is something that you like to to see and bring sunglasses. Treat yourself. The tears are a way of cleansing, but selfcare is also away of helping for just you.
I always look up garage or estate sales, cruise an antique or second hand store...etc, but something I like and not too costly, emotional shopping is not good on my budget.

Gentle hugs Jewells.

Hi Kate, I went to counseling after I lost Cliff to a heart attack. It was my private place to scream and cry. I think what you get out of your therapy is going to depend on what you want to get out of it and whether or not the therapist can actually help you with that. Not all therapists are created equally when it comes to grappling with grief. If your therapist is doing nothing except letting you talk and cry, and if you need more than that, then it is time to try a different counselor!

I have had therapy at different points of my life for different crises. I have had some wonderful therapy, and I have had some that were just plain terrible!!!

A couple of thoughts as I can identify with what you're going through, having been through the same nightmare. You do not need to keep reliving the day he died. I ran that horror scene 24/7 - it will drive you crazy, keep you feeling broken and afraid. To stop replaying it all, I took a notebook and wrote down everything that happened - every godawful detail - crying my heart out - and then I closed the notebook and told myself that now all of those details were safely stored away and I did not need to remember it. If for some reason I needed to know exactly what happened again, I could refer back to what I wrote down. It may sound kooky, but it put an end to the replaying over and over again of it all.

Second, I want you to know that there wasn't anything more that you or the paramedics could have done. I did CPR on Cliff until the paramedics showed up. There were 8 of them that worked furiously on him - it was a real freakshow - and they got nothing. The lead paramedic told me afterwards that the attack was so massive that nothing anyone could have done would have made a difference. 80% of heart attack victims die, and the ones that don't are usually left with terrible brain damage/stroke/paralysis. It's not like in the movies. The chance of saving someone having a heart attack is slim.

Third, guilt is the single most useless emotion and the most dangerous one you will experience while grieving. It serves no purpose except to further wipe out your strength and courage. What finally made it clear to me was reading a simple test: if what I did, by thought, word, or deed was responsible, then I should be able to simply wish him back from the dead. I can't, so it is clear that it is not within my power to decide or determine that. If I could have, I would have, and so would you! Let the guilt go! Stop being so angry with yourself. He knew you loved him. That is all sometimes that we have control over, and you did that.

I have recommended a book on another thread, and I will recommend it again here for you: "Seven Choices - Finding Daylight After Loss Shatters Your World" by Elizabeth Harper Neeld, PhD. Neeld is not a shrink but a professional writer who was widowed unexpectedly when her husband had a massive heart attack while out running. The book was a huge help for me and I think it would help you, too.

Perhaps you need a break from therapy for a bit, or perhaps you need a different counselor. Only you can decide that. The primary goal for therapy (typically) is to help you decide what changes you need to make in either your perceptions or your reactions in order to live more happily and/or effectively. That being said, if what you are more in need of is support and understanding, then perhaps a face-to-face grief group would be more beneficial. I went for individual counseling because there were no groups I could get to. And it is part of why I wound up here at DS! :) Anyway, perhaps try a group for awhile.

Hope this helps....

Love and Hugs,
Martha

I have made great strides with therapy when my husband died and still
to this day. I do know having a person to talk to has to be the right one that you feel comfortable with. I began hospice group therapy a few months after he died and it was good. After that group ended I continued with a second group that didn't work for me. I just stopped going and did some reading on my own. Then about 3 years later I began private sessions because I felt I needed to get past the loneliness and didn't know where to start. Like other have said, it's a very individual decision with many variables. If it's not for you now that's okay. Just leave the door open as an option in the future.

I also used a notebook and wrote my feelings everyday. Sometimes they were letters to my husband and other times to God. Often these words gave me ideas of what I could do or different ways to look at things. Wishing you well. Sharon

Its been about 17 months since my wife passed. I rejected anything like this up until lately. I think I wasn't ready for it, still in denial and angry as you too. This past Sunday I offered to my Pastor to help start a grief support group. I believe I could help someone and at the same time get help. I envision it a place like we have here but more personal. I don't know how it will go but I'll let you all know.

Kate,
I'm so very sorry for your loss. I lost my husband the same way that you did and I felt some of those same emotions, angry with myself that I didn't do more, mad at the world....so I understand. What I did was jointed 3 different grief groups and the reason I did that was b/c I met a woman who had lost her husband 11 years ago and wrote a book advised me to do that. She said that you may find you don't fit in with a particular group. And I am so very glad I took her advice, I met three women, two in one group and one in the other and I introduced them all to each other and we are now a group of women who do plays, dinner and activities. Keep trying, don't give up and maybe look at different options, we have been each others support and it has been really good. And trust me in the beginning we couldn't even talk at meetings all we did was cry and although it's never the same again having people that know and understand what your going through helps tremendously. Our families try to help but they can't understand it, no one can unless it happens to them. In all fairness I never did either until the cold reality hit me in the face. And please more importantly than anything, take your time, its a very hard road and it just gets more bearable one day at a time. I have a hard time with that b/c I'm a very impatient person. It doesn't go away ever, I'm at a year and a half and since the weather has been good, I've been extremely sad realizing that another year is going to pass without the love of my life here. God bless you I wish you the best.

I am one who did not go to a counselor . I wanted to grieve my way. I did go to support groups and I made a great friend and we both agree we helped each other more than a support group. I also have great neighbors and she is a counselor and at the beginning they would invite me over after I went to the cemetery. Let me tell you they saw my pain. We became friends and I go out to dinner with them quite a bit. Thinking back now because it's been 5 years maybe counseling would have helped. Everyone has to decide what is best for them. Hugs

Since my husband passed away 8 months ago, I have attended two support groups, one at the church I attend and the other someone told me about. I attended two sessions at our church and left feeling empty. The second one was wonderful and I am anxiously awaiting the second session this week. We shared stories, but also had interactive projects. Also, they had volunteers from a hospital, chaplain, social worker and grief counselor who was there to offer support if needed. I loved the agenda and how people I didn't know bonded together. At our church, we were given a book "Experiencing Grief by H. Norman wright who is a widower. After reading this interesting book, I went to Amazon to see what else he had written. I discovered Reflections of a Grieving Spouse" that he wrote shortly after his wife died. What I love about this book, is that it is also a journal writing down your feelings after each chapter. The chapters are short and I appreciate that because my mind wavers. I continue to pray for all of us as we travel this path, that the Lord will sustain us, strengthen and comfort us, and that above all He will us the peace we need to move forward. God Bless us.

Hi Kate,
I have been seeing a grief counselor for almost the past 6 months. I started 3 weeks after my boyfriends unexpected suicide. I had seen someone a couple time before my current counselor that was no more help to me than a good friend to listen. The woman that I see now (every other week) help me to "move through grief" versus getting stuck in it. She asks me questions, gives me exercises to do, usually little papers that ask questions about emotions. The first day I walked into her office I was a train wreck. I could barely speak. She has helped me so much since then, helping me to cope and put the pieces together so that I can function.

I too, often feel drained afterwards. I usually take a walk around a mall, stop at the animal shelter that I donate to, or grab some takeout from a favorite restaurant. Hope this helps!

Take Care,
Anna

Hello, Kate . . .
After Sam's death, I was floundering around and feeling that I wasn't improving in the least. I came here to DS and found a sense of stability in knowing I was not alone in what I was experiencing. Someone here always seems to have a better insight to various issues than I do. It was here that someone recommended GriefShare to me. My GriefShare group meets twice a month, and I have found friendship and compassion there as well. You can check their website to see if there's a group meeting near you. If you decide to try it, give it at least 3 sessions in order to really get a feel for the atmosphere.

www.griefshare.org

Wishing you peace . . .

I agree with Cliffskat. IF all your therapist is doing letting you cry, then it's time to find another therapist.

There are a lot of books out there that might help. NO book is ideal. The books are written to the "perfect" widow/widower. So I recommend that you take what you can from the books. The best part, it will bring up topics that you might not be ready for, but can prepare you for.

I quit my therapist because she didn't seem interested. She would take off her shoe and scratch her foot. (so gross!) After that, I did 1 more session. In some ways this DS site can do more.