I can only pray they go away, I have guilt everyday, if I feel bad I feel guilty if I'm happy or laugh at something funny, or make a decision whatever I feel guilty. My biggest what if is what if Stephen never got sick. I even asked myself yesterday, what if I did not love Stephen so much or he me, would it hurt less? I guess we all have these thoughts, I had lunch with a friend of mine today, she's been a widow for 17 years, she tells me it's all normal and I will feel better and all those questions will go away. Oh and by the way when she said 17 years I thought wow she made it 17 years thats great, I guess it can be done, then I thought oh my god I have to do this for 17 years or maybe even longer! That made me feel like crap again.

We all have that what if question. Mine is what if he didn't go on that business trip, would he be alive and being cared for properly here in the US, at least he would have given a chance for survival. My friend told me we can't change the course. I didn't have guilt but I wonder and worry if he is resting peacefully. He was looking forward to come home in just two days and he is not ready for death.

I suffered from the guilt and the "what ifs" for a long time. It's been two years for me and I sometimes still think about the "what ifs", but for the most part, the guilt has subsided. I had to realize that I did nothing wrong with the information I was given. It took a lot of self talk to finally let those toxic thoughts go, but I'm much better now.

Nessie from KY

I agree with kynessie its normal to have them and its early on that they seemed to be the worst for me, now 15 months later, i know there is nothing we could have done about the cancer, it likely was there so much longer than we knew....we tried everything, we went to so many doctors..pneumonia turned out to be throat cancer that metastisized to larynx, esophagus, stomach, and probably lungs....his body was exhausted against the beast of cancer. Go easy on yourself, you did your very best with what you knew and he knew you loved him. He suffered shortly...He is at peace.

I think we all have those "what if's"--no matter what the circumstance. It appears to go with the territory. Our minds tell us one thing but our heart feels enough pain to react with a "what if" or "if only". It does get better in time--but I think we will always have moments when we are searching and asking "what if". Just remember it's ok--it's normal to have those feelings of guilt even if they aren't justified--it's just being human. Hugs
Wanda

Kim,
I have had those feelings and I'm at 16 months. Very similar situation in that my husband was feeling horrible on his last day and kept telling me that he was okay. When he got weaker, i tried to get him to go to the ER and he said that if he still felt sick the next day we'd go. He died in his sleep. What I learned is that he'd had a heart attack that basically worked on him all day. He was stubborn also. I still have no idea if he would have lived or not if I'd taken him to the ER. The guilt was tremendous. But, like Nessie says, you have to let go of the toxic feelings or it will drive you crazy. I stand firm in the believe that he knew how much I loved him and was with him when he died. It does get better. But you have to forgive yourself.
Julie

I get the "what if's" all the time, but we both know better, there are no What if's, it all turned out like the Lord wanted it to. We could not have changed a thing. Don't beat yourself up, it only hurts and does no good. I also have a guilt problem, I know I shouldn't but I think we all do. There were so many things I should have done while he was here, why didn't I? I sure hope they go away.
Lets try to be better to ourselves and quit this useless thinking.
Hugs,
JoAnn

Like Julie's husband my husband died in his sleep. He wasn't feeling that good that morning and we planned on going to our daughters house. He was up and made us breakfast but didn't eat. he told me he didn't feel good. He was having a hard time breathing. He said he wanted to stay home and relax and watch football. I told him I would stay or did he want to go to the ER. He said don't be silly go, I'll be fine. I kissed him when I left and told him if he needed anything to call. When I got home 4 hours later he was laying on the couch and looked just like he was sleeping. The paramedics said he went peacefully. Course then I had so much guilt. Why did I leave him. I should have insisted he go to the hospital. There's that should have , could have, would have. I can't get it out of my mind and still feel guilty. I didn't get to be with him like I should have at his last moments. It's only been a little over 2 months and I can still picture him sitting on the couch when I left never knowing that was the last time I saw him alive. Like you said, I try to tell my self it was God;s will, his time etc but it still breaks my heart when I think of that day.

Like the rest of you, every single day...what if, for those of you who don't know, we were running a 5k race and he stopped, said he didn't feel good and we walked right past two police officers on a bridge and my heart said stop and ask them to call an ambulance, I even asked him if we should and of course he said no. What if I had listened to my heart, would he have been able to have been saved? Less than an hour later he was gone. My mind replays that day and every time I can't help but ask myself, what could I have done better?

I agree the "what ifs" and guilt are toxic. Things sometimes happen for reasons that are way beyond our understanding. My husband knew in his heart he was dying I am sure of it. I begged him to go to the doctor and he refused. I felt so guilty for so long, but then someone said to me it was his choice not to go and I couldn't foce him. I began to understand and respect the fact he had the right to make his own choice. None of this is easy, but my hope for all is not to live with guilt and regrets instead remember the good things. Your loved one will always be with you just in a differant way.

I have a similiar story. My husband had a prostate procedure, came home from the hospital and complained at 9 at night of pain in his bladder region. I asked him if it was in his shoulder, neck, back, arm, etc. and begged hiim to let me call the sqaud or take him to the ER. At 1:00 in the morning he woke up to go the bathroom and I followed him to find out what was going on. When I got to the bathroom, he was leaned over the counter slightly, then he straightened up. He had an odd look on his face, not agonized or frightened, just odd, as though he were staring at something I could not see. He came out into the hall, walking normally, still staring at the invisible and walked straight into me without registering in any way that I was there. By this time I was frantic, and grabbed his arm to lead him to sit in the living room so I could call 911, but I could not pull him off his course, nor distract him in anyway at all. He continued walking and staring at something I could not see, walked into an old oak rocker, knocked it over, got a cut on his belly from the ends of the rockers, and landed on the floor face down. I called 911 and they said they would talk me through it. I had taken CPR a couple of times in connection with my work but since my husband weighed 280 pounds I could not turn him over. I tried by propping him with balnkets and pillows, by tugging and pleading. The 911 people said to get a neighbor. My nearest neighbor was a very frail lady who died six months later of melanoma. The other neighbor was about a quarter mile away. I could not leave him. There was no sign of life, no sounds, no movement. I kept begging the 911 people to hurry and they said it was icy that night and they could not go over 80 mile per hour. At a point, I felt a strange calm and I began quoting over him the Bible passage that "nothing can separate us from the love of God" But I stopped there and just clung to him. I did not finish the quote, "nothing can separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus." I have asked for forgiveness and think that God has forgiven me. I have believed from that time that my husband is very happy and well. But I have felt great guilt over my not being able to turn and revive him. I realize that even among those who do get CPR not all recover. My husband loved God and I am sure if he saw or heard a call to come home, he would have gone very eagerly, even though he loved me and his family very much. I just think it was his time to go. I often have asked God "What am I supposed to be doing here? " I try to make myself useful, and at 2+ years out I have some good times with friends, at work, volunteering, etc Sometime guilt can be a way of trying to make myself more important than I am. I am just one little person and don't have the powers of life and death. Even great doctors lose patients and loved ones, despite all their training and knowledge.
If my husband suffered it would have been for a very short time indeed. It is a sad fact that we must not only grieve our loved ones, but also the loss of our illusion that our great love can protect them.
God willing (and I believe he is) I will see my darling again. I wish all of you great peace today.

I have had those same terrible what if thoughts. George collasped in the backyard and by the time I found him he was in bad shape. I called 911 and they came and tried to save him but it was to late. I keep asking what if I had gone out there sooner, would he still be here? I would give anything, ANYTHING, to do over and not even let him work out there so it wouldnt happen at all. I guess we all have the what ifs sometimes. I know he is with the Lord and in a better place, but that doesnt stop the whatifs for me. I do hope they go away eventualy. Hugs, Jo

Kim, I had a lot of guilt in the early days, but over time I realized that I had done everything that could have possibly been done, and I finally accepted that I could not have changed what happened to Cliff. My sons also told me that I had taken such good care of their Dad that I probably prolonged his life. Cliff was a 2-pack a day smoker and was also about 70 pounds overweight - almost as large as your guy. The death certificate said he died of a heart attack - his first, last, and only - none of us saw it coming - and secondary to that was COPD from his smoking, high blood pressure and high cholesterol (hypercholestrolemia). Unbeknownst to me, his doctor had diagnosed him with all this a year before he died, but Cliff had hid that from me. When I found the medical papers showing those diagnoses, some 2 years later, it was like losing him all over again. And I had the "what ifs" again. What if he had told me and had been treated for these things instead of hiding them? Would he still be here?

I know that if we had that kind of power - the power of life and death - we would simply wish them back into being here, wouldn't we? But we aren't given that kind of power in this world. Please don't beat yourself up anymore. You did the most important thing there is - you loved him and he knew that. Beyond that is beyond our power.

Guilt serves no purpose, and will drain you. The whys, the what-ifs, the if-onlys, these will all make you crazy and do no good at all to anyone. I know it's hard, but try to let those thoughts go.

Love and Big Hugs,
Martha

My son when he is angry with me will tell me that my husband death is my fault, you see for the entire 38 years we were married I had these dreams that by the end of my 55th year I would be a widow, so in my son's opinion if I had not had those dreams, his dad would be alive. Well, some part of me sometimes wants to say, hey I was 55 why did I not insist my husband go to the doctor and make sure he was not going to have a stroke, well the common sense part of me tries to convince the rest of me I had not control over anything, but then I had 38 yrs worth of dreams of warning and why didn't I take them seriously? Why indeed? The dreams were certainly common knowledge as we laughed about them as I would tell my husband I had that stupid dream again.

The bottom line for me, I keep telling myself this, is even with the dreams, I was no more in control over what was going to happen than if I had a crystal ball. The only thing the dreams did for me was when I got the phone call that my husband had collapsed at work was that I was able to keep from falling apart right away, I had a 4 hour drive to the hospital and I knew from what the doctor said that my husband might not even be alive when I got there. I had to remain composed. My big what if, what if I made my husband go to the doctor, would the doctor have been able to prevent a massive stroke such as the kind my husband had? Worst part, the dream was so predictive is it scary and there is a second part of the dream that I am waiting to see if that part also comes true.

Kim - if you didn't insist DH go to the hospital, and he died at home, then you'd feel guilty that you didn't insist DH go to the hospital. You know? Our (survivors) guilt is that we're alive. When Joe was going downhill from cancer, I was guilty merely for being healthy when he wasn't. The guilt, for me, took a long time, after much wrestling, to abate. It's still there, to some extent, but not what it was. We did the best we could with the knowledge we had at the time. That sounds like a platitude, I know, but it's true. Hugs, Marsha