Don was my third husband, I was his third wife. My first two were abusive and cheaters. His first was a lunatic and cheater. His second was a good woman who died from cancer. We had thirteen years together. Neither of us had any kids.
I became very angry when I received a phone call the morning after he passed. It was a woman we knew casually. She was telling me she had called the hospital and talked to Don the day before while I had run home to prepare for Hospice. Don died several hours after coming home with Hospice in attendance. So she is telling me how important Don had been to her and she just knew he had waited to die till he had heard from her. All I could think was ...who are you? you were what to Don? What makes you think you had that power or any power at all? Why are you hinting at a hidden relationship with him? I became silent and she continued on for a bit then seemed to realize she was getting no response so she finally hung up. I can tell you I spent many an hour trying to wrap my head around this thing. I became very angry for a time about this. I felt as if my grief had been tainted in some way by this woman. I was angry that Don was not here to defend himself or explain. In my anger and grief I shut down for a while. I could barely talk. I could barely write. Slowly over time I came to a place of peace with this. My loyalty lies with Don and I know in my heart of hearts he was faithful and loyal to our relationship. I do not know why these toxic people interject themselves into our lives, into our grief, but they do.
In reading your post I was thinking that you were probably ok with the first wife as she was the mother of his kids and therefore would have some legitimate right to be there. The second wife however had no such hold or claim. Their marriage had ended badly so I am with you, she had no right to show up at your in-laws where it was an intimate gathering of family and friends. She does not fit in that category so her coming was in very poor taste in my opinion. Also there is the fact that she had hurt your husband and it is understandable you would feel animosity toward anyone who had hurt him. I think you can find that your emotions can and will run strong during your grieving. You are not alone in this. So many of us here on DS post on our anger, resentment, hurts as well as our love and our accomplishments. It is here on DS with the help of friends that I was able to put my anger to rest. I hope the same for you. God bless and prayers of peace. ~~Cheryl

no ideas, just empathy. Yes, you are his widow and based on how you describe her, i have a feeling others know you are the widow and the one who nursed him at the end. But, it would anger me as well.

I wrote a letter to her in my journal, but it doesn't seem to be enough. I know my husband despised her, and could not forgive her for throwing him and his kids out on the street (she got an order of protection, claiming he was verbally abusive). The court made him sign a quit claim deed on the house he built, and he lost it all. But the thing is I find it absolutely reprehensible that she went crying to my in-laws. They cannot stand her. She went to give my father in law a hug, and he just looked at her like WTF do you think you are doing? My mother inlaw, the sweetest woman in the world, said she was so caught off guard. I did talk to my stepson, because I am worried she will show up at the memorial next month. He said she did say she would not be there out of respect for the family, and all I can think is respect? You have no respect or you would have never shown your face in the first place. My brother in law said if she does show up, he will quietly tell her that she is not welcome and that she needs to leave.

I know some of this anger is probably displaced. I am angry because I lost my soul mate, my partner, my companion, my love. I miss him every moment, with every breath. I don't think she has the right to act like she lost something when she threw him away. When Denny and I first fell in love, I told him I was sorry she hurt him, but I wanted to send her a thank you card because she gave me a great gift in him. Now I want to send her a letter telling her that he hated her, and that she needs to keep her happy a$$ away from his family.

If you can see how phony this lady is than those in the family see it to. That's the thing about insincere people they just don't get how transparent they are and how easy it is for others to see they are fake. I would just focus on taking care of you and your family. This person can't keep up the charade over a long period of time. They know you are the one he loved in the end. Take care.
Peace, Tim

Thanks Tim. They do know. There is no love lost there w/ the ex. I think part of it is that prior to meeting me, she had been the love of his life. It almost makes me feel like she is trying to assert that with his family. We all know that changed as our relationship became more seriious, and then turned to marriage. But I suppose it brings out some of the insecurity that I felt when I first met him, trying to live up to this woman (even though Denny told me more than once that he could never have picked a better woman to spend his life with than me). Cheryl, thanks for those words, I think I am trying to come to peace with it but that's just not happening now. There was no contact between them, so there really was no reason for her to show up. They went back and forth a few times, and I almost wonder if, in her mind, she thought she could crook her finger and he would run back again if she wanted. I know that would not have happened. And I know because I hurt, I am probably taking this whole thing way to hard. I imagine she didn't give it a second thought after she walked out of the door, and if she knew how angry I was would feel some kind of satisfaction that she got a reaction. Still, I cannot control the feeling of anger towards her, except to feel it until I don't anymore.

Mrs. Mills,

I used to be a huge fan of the Bravo network and it's series of shows "The Real Housewives..." I tell you this because, long before I became a widow, I read a book by one of the reality celebrities featured on "The Real Housewives of New York." Her name is Carole Radziwell (spelling is probably incorrect). She was a young widow and wrote a memoir, "What Remains."

In the memoir she coins a term, "tragedy whore." It describes the people who, at best, were on the fringes of someone's life, and upon their death become, apparently, inconsolable. They somehow, suddenly, upon death, remember a relationship with the deceased that if it ever really did exist, was long ago. They act as if they have suffered the greatest loss. They recollect an intimacy that they shared with the deceased that no one else recalls.

I was blessed to not have recognized that from any who came around after Bernie passed. However, it sounds to me as if your husband's ex may fit into this category. Who knows what she is thinking? Maybe she is trying to alleviate some of her guilt for the way she treated him.

If she does show up at the memorial service, I would let your brother-in-law handle her. It sounds as if he has a plan that he is comfortable carrying out. That service is primarily for you, your step children and your in-laws. No one, outside that circle, should try to make it about themselves.

May You Be Blessed With Peace As You Remember Him,

Robyne

Also, wanted to add-

I love the song "Bless the Broken Road" and the Rascal Flatts in general. Also, along the same lines, "Unanswered Prayer" by Garth Brooks.

Reflecting on the lyrics to both songs- I know I was so incredibly blessed to have my life include the one man who saw the best in me- even when I didn't see it myself. I would take every heart break all over again if it led back to him. These songs remind me that every heart wrenching loss in life (like the one we are suffering now) is only temporary- and will lead us to something better (in whatever capacity we are reunited in the hereafter.)

Thank you for the lovely reminder of the song, and the very important message on a lonely Sunday afternoon.

Robyne

Don't give this woman the power to upset you. She can take nothing from you so let her do whatever she wishes. Personally I think she is making a bit of a fool of herself, but that is HER problem not yours. There is always SOMEBODY who loses dignity so just let this one get on with it. xxx