Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

3,758 Members
19,465 Posts
0 Online
Death & Dying
/ Widows & Widowers Support Group

Getting worse

bonniewoodruff
bonniewoodruff
So I have had a bad year. I was diagnosed with breast cancer in April. In may I had a double mastectomy and in June I woke up to discover my soulmate and husband of 23 years had a heart attack in his sleep. I had reconstruction surgery in August and I am now back to work. My biggest problem is that I am feeling worse not better. I have always heard that time heals, that is not working for me. I have a 25 year old daughter and a 14 year old son. I would really love to stay in bed all day and cry. I am trying to be strong for them, but I am really feeling worse than I was before. I am trying to not become a wreck, but I really thought I would have started feeling something other than anger and complete misery. I have to work a job that is very demanding(mentally). I have always been a strong person on the outside. My husband was the only person who knew how weak I really am. He would hold me while I cried myself to sleep after a bad day and tell me it was all okay and now he is gone. I am angry that I don't have someone to be angry with(I am aware that doesn't make any sense, but it is the truth). I am also taking medications for the cancer that are also making me have joint pain and hot flashes...joy joy...
Please I am new here but I need to know that I will not always cry myself to sleep. I seem to miss him more everyday not less.
rebl3157
rebl3157
It will get easier, but you have to let the grief happen. Don't suppress it. Cry, scream, get mad and best the he'll out a pillow. Come here and blow up, rant and rave. We are here for you. We've all been where you are. I too was married to my soul mate and best friend. I'm at 15 months and can cope much better.
Rachel
bonniewoodruff
bonniewoodruff
Thank you for your reply I just had my life planned out and it didn't have me a single parent at 41 years old. We were happy...I was married to him longer than I was not so I feel really lost.
scottito
scottito
Hi Bonnie - Wow - you've been hit with the perfect storm. It is going to take some time, most likely a lot of time, but they do tell us here that with time it does get better. My experience so far at 5 months is that it kept getting worse before it started getting better - not good mind you, just better. Real lots her of these posts and replies, they will help you understand what you are going through is normal as far as the grief aspect is concerned. I know its not fair to you, but your children need you (especially the 14 year old). Ask for advice, there are lots of parents in here that have experienced grief while parenting. Many loving and caring people here that will get what you are going through. We are here for each other. I am glad you found us. God's blessings and comfort upon you and your children ~ Scott
JesusisOurSaviour
JesusisOurSaviour
Dear Bonnie,
I am so, so sorry for your loss and all you are going through.
You came to a wonderful, supportive group here. We are all in different stages of the emotional turmoil of grief.
Bonnie, just know there are many people here, to support and encourage you.
The devastating effects if grief can be overwhelming. What you are feeling is perfectly normal and I'm glad you are reaching out for affirmation. You have had more on your plate, in the last year than most people deal with, in a life time.
Keep venting, take deep breaths, take just one baby step at a time.
Please take care of you,
Once again, I am sorry you are going through this journey, it takes time to unravel all your emotions, so be patient with yourself .
We are all her for you, dear Bonnie,
Gentle hugs from Sandra
handg
handg
I am so sorry for your lost. You have had so much to deal with. I know that 3 months seems like enough time but from the grieving side it is not that long.add to that the medication and returning to work wow!!! Like others are saying , grieving needs to happen so that you start rebuilding.
loveddogs
loveddogs
Dear Bonnie, I am so very sorry for your loss and all the other blows you are having to endure! It does seem like this so called life can just keep loading us down with one thing on top of the other. No matter how hard we try, we truly have no control over much. Please take care of you, vent, cry, come here often. The people here are so wonderful, compasionate and understanding. I certainly would have gone over the edge without their support. Hugs and Love to you, Michele
cgriff4ever
cgriff4ever
First of all, you are courageous for battling your cancer so bravely. I'm sorry for your not feeling well. It doesnt help having lost your bestfriend, doing all of this alone. I too have medical problems, and right after he died I was having a brain MRI.. it went well, but I was still so sad, my sean wasnt there to tell me everything would be ok.. he'd always tell me itll all work out... Secondly, time doesnt heal all wounds, but you just learn to accept it, and create your new normal. I cry alot, but I have noticed it has lessened, I dont cry myself to sleep everynight anymore. I do have to hide some of it, my 10 year old sleeps with me, and has since sean passed away, so she does give me comfort, and my oldest keeps me brave. But when Im alone and the girls are gone, I scream like a dang banchee.. so dont feel bad, allow your soul to heal, when its ready, there is no timeframe for grief.. you just ride the waves.. and hope you dont sink. big hugs carla
ptorres
ptorres
Bonnie, you have been through so much in a few short months. I am sorry for your loss and hope for better days ahead of you. I am at 8 months today and I can tell you at least from my perspective, it does get a bit easier. Everyone is different and has different time lines but what I have learned is you need to do the work of grief and it is work, very hard work but much needed. For me, I am having better days and am not feeling sick and miserable 24/7 although the grief hits daily but mostly shorter episodes and less intense. The early months were torture and honestly there were times I did not care if I died or lived. But if I died or went off the deep end I would not be honoring my late wife and would very much hurt those who are still here with me. Hang in there and know we are all with you in this. ~Pete
sandeestttn
sandeestttn
I am so so sorry for your losses. You have been through enough to bring anyone to their knees. You have struggled and survived. You are so very early in this. Both death of a spouse as well as cancer. You are strong!!!... Two massive losses at the same time. I can't even imagine how you feel. My prayers and thoughts are with you. Stay strong. I am at 32 months of a 48 year marriage. It does get better. Stay strong.. Sandee
deremusl
deremusl
Oh, Bonnie, I am so sorry for all you're going through. You will get through this, but it takes time. Your anger is totally understandable. Just know that you have a lot of caring people here to help you.

Warm hugs,
Linda
AfterMom
AfterMom
Bonnie, you truly have been through far more than losing your husband. the physical things force themselves to our "front burner", as we can't ignore them.
SO you have not even had the chance to move through the grief, which demands it's own attending.
You are still very early on, anyway.
and I Totally know what you mean by "angry that you have no one to BE angry WITH"
I am at 6+ months and was disabled with an injury from all months' 3 ,4 and 5.. I can say, even that messed with my ability to "work on" grief.
So do not think you are behind any mark of progress. My 6th month is the most emotional. having other things added on top of our grief makes it immeasurably hard.
Grief has it's own timeline, and that is under the best of circumstances.
When other things hijack our coping energy, we don't even feel the progress we have made.
I am so sorry for the loss of your husband and also big health issues.
xoOO
cdameron
cdameron
Bonnie, just know that we are all here with you, you are not alone in this, many of us have used this venue to vent in our early months, and some of us to vent in the later times, so please feel free to vent here anytime you need to, we understand.

I am so sorry for the loss of your soulmate and husband.

Craig
bonniewoodruff
bonniewoodruff
Thanks to everyone for your support. I will keep doing what I am doing until I find another way to cope. I am glad that I found this site. I don't really have much time to go and see someone about this, but knowing that you guys and gals have all been there is a comfort. I really am sorry that you have all been there, I would never wish this kind of pain on anyone.
Community LeaderShrn
Shrn
I am sorry for all the things that have happened to you in such a short time. You have suffered many losses health wise and your husband. I was married to my high school sweetheart and understand the fear of being without him. Somehow I always felt he was with me even though not physically. In the early days I yearned his presence dismissing the feelings, but as time passed I felt comfort that he knows. Sharon
Posts You May Be Interested In
  • cedarbrooke

    As I Get Older....

    Posted by: cedarbrooke
    Last Reply: JazzyLady
    4
  • billwfriend

    I cannot get a cut and paste to post

    Posted by: billwfriend
    Last Reply: cedarbrooke
    5
    Old Hillbilly Wisdom:Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.Keep skunks, bankers, and politicians at a distance.Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.The best sermons are lived, not preached.If you don't take the time to do it right, you'll find the...