Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
Everything has gone completely fubar in our lives...in addition to my husband being gone, the house is a mess, my son has no day program and all the hard work we did over the years with getting him into a good sleeping pattern has gone to shit..it's nearly 5 am where I live, and I am having an uphill battle with him to turn his music down and go to sleep. When his dad would tell him to do something, he would do it. When I tell him to do something, he does it, then goes back to his own way within a short time. For example, I told him to turn down the music, which he did...but then turned it back up 5 minutes later. We have a moth infestation right now, and the building manager hasn't gotten back to me about pest control...I may have to get a can of raid or something, but the last time I did that, which was in 2008 to get rid of cockroaches, I ended up in the hospital for a week with respiratory failure...and we had to call the Orkin man anyway, because it didn't work....I feel like a square peg in a round hole...like nothing fits right, nothing works, everything is totally f**ked...Ive been throwing back tylenol 3s and smoking weed because it's the only way I can cope without losing it completely...I can't even grieve properly, because I don't have the opportunity...From where I am standing, it doesn't look like we have a hope in Hell of having a happy life...all I see is lonliness and hardship...a path that gets narrow as we walk it...no light at the end of the proverbial tunnel.
My husband was a hard core drug addict...which is what led to the disease that took him from us...he loved us, and did what he could for us, but just couldn't get that monkey off his back..and he tried...and now I fear I'm going down the same path...My legs are killing me, and I just want to go to sleep and escape this nightmare even if only for awhile...and I will if I can get that kid to turn that fucking music down!...sorry for the rant...and for the profanity...we have always used that vernacular in this house, and it's sometimes the only way I can express myself...sorry...just frustrated and had to get it out...
Peace, wendi
My husband was a hard core drug addict...which is what led to the disease that took him from us...he loved us, and did what he could for us, but just couldn't get that monkey off his back..and he tried...and now I fear I'm going down the same path...My legs are killing me, and I just want to go to sleep and escape this nightmare even if only for awhile...and I will if I can get that kid to turn that fucking music down!...sorry for the rant...and for the profanity...we have always used that vernacular in this house, and it's sometimes the only way I can express myself...sorry...just frustrated and had to get it out...
Peace, wendi
Loves....Karla
What would happen to your son if something happened to you? Please reach out for some help. I hope I have not overstepped, but I truly care about you and understand all too well the pain and that hopeless feeling.
Much love
Jen
Is a support group for autism that might help you to cope with the many aspects of autism. I have no first hand experience with what you are going through, but I know how much you love your son and hope you can find support in helping him.
As for yourself, I know you must be in tremendous pain with the loss of your husband and helping your son. Seek help for yourself too. I sincerely hope that you can get through this and start taking care of both of you. Sharon
Is there any family or close friend who can help at all with your son while you can get some quality rest? I know that it definitely feels like we are all alone, but reaching out and asking caring family or friends to give you a much needed break is worth a try.
Also, if at all possible, you might just want to work with a family counselor of some kind to set up a care plan or some interim strategies to try to make you feel like you have a road map out of this bad situation to a better day when you and your son will be in a more healthy routine and his autism needs are not all bearing down on you in this out-of-control way. Sometimes when I'm overwhelmed the only thing that makes me feel better is to take a small step in the right direction. Just one step is all it takes to start your way out.
What are the activities he would normally do in a day program? Can you diplicate some of that and tell him you are getting him ready for when they sort one out for him? I bought both my sons online courses for super cheap online. That started them both on different things. My very autistic son loves superheroes and draws his own stories and wanted to figure out how to write his own movie scripts, so I got him a book about that. He is busy doing that right now even as I write this. It's not a perfect solution, but it helps.
My sons are both also ultra-sensitive to different things, including my moods and upsets. You ever hear the expression that "ain't nobody happy if Mama ain't happy"? He may be feeling your stress, and that's why he's acting out and rebelling. And I don't know about your son, but emotionally mine are both 10 years behind their chronological age, so they both act like teenagers. Some days are tough.....
Maybe we can come with some ideas to help.
Love and Hugs,
Martha
When my son actually does get into a program, it will like be recreation based, rather than work based...he's non verbal, and has issues with meltdowns and some medical problems as well..in one of these programs, they go on 'field trips' to parks, swimming, bowling..that kind of thing. I can't afford to take him to some of these venues, but I do take him to the park while we are out getting things done...but its not the same as him having a structured program where he is with his peers and able to interact separate from me...I want him to become as independent as possible, if that's possible..as far as other interests, he loves music - he plays an electronic keyboard - his dad was a musician, and my son is really good on the keyboard...guess it runs in the family or something...he also likes to spin cups, which I try to discourage, because it takes his focus away from other things.
He doesn't have any interest in the computer or games, unless I am playing him music from Youtube...I was going to get him an ipad with apps similar to his communication book...hoping he will take an interest in it then...
The thing that angers me regarding his 'supposed program' as I've been calling it, is that they should have had this in place when he finished school back in June. He turned 19 in February, so they have had plenty of time to interview and hire a suitable support worker...Personally, I think someone forgot or something...now that I am on their backs every day, they give me the same rhetoric..'still interviewing', etc. It's crazy..You would think that these agencies would have their shit together a lot better than this...
As far as the moths go, the main thing is to figure out what they're eating and where they're coming from. Aerosol sprays are never a good idea indoors, and they are not a good solution for moths. If they are indoor type, one thing is to figure out if you have added anything new to the flat. Sometimes something as simple as a throw rug or house plant can be the culprit. If they are the typical wool-eaters, then your best bets are things like cedar, lavender, or moth balls (I personally hate those!). Also check to make sure you don't have something stuffed in the back of the closet that hasn't seen the light of day for a long time - like an old suit or coat no one has worn for awhile - as they will usually go for stuff like that before something that has not been worn. If it's outside, there are different procedures to consider.
I found a pretty cool free thing online where you can play a piano keyboard and make music on your computer. Maybe your son would get a kick out of it. Here is a link to it:
http://www.bgfl.org/bgfl/custom/resources_ftp/client_ftp/ks2/music/piano/organ.htm
My older son has his Dad's music ability, totally self-taught. It is one of the things I find comforting - not everything about Cliff was lost.
Hugs to you and your son,
Martha
I am so sorry that things just keep compounding for you... I wish I had some useful advice in regards to helping your son, but I have none. You are both in my thoughts, and I hope your load gets easier to carry very soon. Hugs, Amy
Regarding the moth situation - I found a large colony underneath a free standing cabinet in the kitchen...it was an open box of Kashi cereal..not sure how it got there to begin with, but like I said, my house is a mess..getting rid of that appears to have eradicated 80% of the problem, but there are still a few, so now I have to figure out where those ones are coming from..
thanks again to everyone for your input and kind responses...