Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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loveddogs 06/14/2015

How do I become "me" when I don't know what that is? I can't go back to that 19 year old kid that had not a care in the world! All I ever wanted back then was to fall in love, get married, live in a house with a white picket fence, and have a dozen children. (only had three) And live happily ever after. So here I sit, all I see is work around me. Don't care if the dishes,or laundry get done. Don't want togo anywhere, too many triggers. So am I just feeling sorry for myself or is this truly grief. Everything seems so pointless with him not here to share. I spent my whole life caring for other people. Only girl with 3 brothers, two younger. Left home at 18 met my man at 19 got married at 20. Helped my brother care for his daughter (he was a single parent.) Our kids came and and then his dad got sick so we cared for his mom for 11 years and then my husbands health started getting worse and we had the first grandchild. So where in all this was me? I have always just naturally put everyone else before me. I should be happy that now I can do what I want. But I don't want to do anything but be with him! How crazy is that. I do feel better after doing lunch with his sisters.( see previous post) Felt good to unload that excess baggage. And now the guilt of not getting anything done is over whelming me. So much to do now .Financial crap, taxes, changing accounts work and on and on. I just want to sleep and hope he comes to me in my dreams since he only did once so far, but I wake up and am disappointed and still so tired. This is not living, it''s barely existing. I do have a goal. I just want to stop hurting so badly and constantly crying for him. Just been a bad weekend. Thank you all for your support. hugs to all Michele

Coop84 06/14/2015

I totally understand what you are saying!! You are not feeling sorry for yourself. This is grief!!!!! It is raw and painful. I too at times have no motivation to eat or do any tasks. That is when I know it is time to sit and let the grief monster do his run. The mornings are the worse for me as I wake up and he is not beside me which hits me smack in the face. The hurt, pain and crying will ease with time. However, it will never totally go away. It is the price we pay for having such deep love for our spouses. Hugs. Sue

npc4204 06/14/2015

Michele, you're right, it's overwhelming! We women are so used to taking care of everyone ... our children, our aging parents, our husbands, and now we have to take care of ourselves.

It takes time, so much time. Be gentle with yourself. Try to accomplish one thing a day, and don't feel guilty if you don't. Just remember you're not alone, we're here to try to help.

Hugs,
Janie

loveddogs 06/14/2015

Thank you Sue and Janie, I am truly sorry for your losses and so blessed that I have you to lean on. For all of us I am sure this is not what any of us ever imagined. And how sad to see so many are going through the very same thing yet in different stages. I wish I were Samantha from Bewitched and I could wiggle my nose and be much much further in this journey. I try to block out the bad memories of him dying and the three or more years we went through this process and concentrate on all the beautiful memories we shared. I just wanted to share and experience more!! Hugs to all, Michele

hgsdms 06/14/2015

It is perfectly OK to feel as you do! Let yourself feel this way without any guilt, etc. The pain does become a little less raw but only by tiny baby steps. Don't let anyone "should" on you. Do only what you want, when you want, if you want. I know what you mean about putting everyone else first most of your life. It takes getting used to.....this thinking only about yourself. Hugs,
Darlene

wendimac 06/14/2015

I know what you mean. I feel the same way. I have no joy in life anymore, no hope...I miss my husband so much, I can't sleep and then when I do fall asleep, I don't want to wake up. When he was in the hospital, I couldn't get up fast enough in the morning, take my son to school and race up there to spend as much time as possible with him. Now I really don't care if I ever wake up period...if it weren't for my son, I probably wouldn't be here right now...

wonderdawn 06/14/2015

I am in the same spot you are. My husband passed a little over 3 weeks ago. I don't want to go anywhere, do anything. I don't feel like doing cleaning or dishes. All I keep thinking about is how can I do this by myself now. Today has been a bad day for me too, I am crying with you right now. I thank God that by coming here I know that we are not alone. But being in the house by myself makes me feel that way sometimes. We j6st have to hang on for now hoping that the pain will ease.

loveddogs 06/14/2015

Thank you all for your gentle replys. I do see hope for the future in reading some of the journals by others further along in this journey. It's just so unfair. I know this has been happening to humans since the beginning of time and I should be thank ful I had 40 years with him. It just wasn't enough! Hugs to all and thank you again. Michele

joannklingaman 06/14/2015

I so agree with you all. The loss of your love is the most profound
loss that anyone can endure in their lifetime. As you know by my
postings, it has been a year for me & I still agonize over losing him

For 38 wonderful years together, we shared so much & so when you
turn on the TV/radio/newspapers..... so much you relate to what you
did with them, it's on our minds 24/7. I just wish so that there is an easy answer, but sadly there isn't !!!!

Jeff-Bolen 06/15/2015

Michele
I'm so very sorry for the loss of your husband. I hate the term
"normal" but i don't know of another that describes the things we all experience with grief. Not everyone is the same, but it seems the majority experience what you have described. Loss of sleep, no appetite, don't really care to do anything or don't want to go on with life. I have learned we do have to go on until our own time is up whenever that is. I felt as you, but I believe our loved ones would want us to live. not only for us, but also for them too in celebration of their life they shared with us. I never will let my wife's name Donna or her life to be forgotten. I bring her up in conversation all the time. Don't be afraid to talk about them, it keeps their memory alive. I talk to my wife all the time. I believe they follow us and help us. I have also had some very strong dreams where I know it was her.

Just remember to take care of yourself, come here often, we are here. Jeff

Nicker07 06/15/2015

Ever heard the saying owners look like their dogs or dogs look like their owners. Not to compare our spouses but we began to be like our spouses because being together so long we start sharing the same goals, likes etc. even if one of us compromises we grow as a couple not as a single. SO going back to finding out the ME in the WE is one of the toughest things to face I think in the loss of our spouse. SO its natural to feel how you are feeling. Yeah that new norm comes in its own timeframe so don't beat yourself up. Hugs

deleted_user 06/15/2015

Amazing how quickly we learn how to become "I' and "me!"

The one that scared me the most was the IRS. As long as I've filed taxes I was a "we!" And, now I'm all by myself......How do we learn to do this? We don't learn....we're FORCED!

It's probably good that we're forced to become singular rather than doing it slowly by choice! I don't know.....it just happened!

Hang on tightly, we're all doing this together. One darn day at a time!!!! I hope that we can do it with grace and ease....it's so painful.

Warmly,
Roz

slimbear 06/15/2015

I'm a guy, yet I think I'm feeling pretty much the same. Such as, I was looking forward to traveling with my wife. But now, what's the point of going anywhere without her? I could spend money on myself, but what for. It wouldn't make me happy without her.

bookdragon 06/16/2015

It is very painful. Your post got me thinking. I met my husband while i was an undergrad 40 years ago, and now I am a grandma. I am not that person anymore. How do we find the new I? No idea, except that I am so glad to have lived those years raising a family, being married to a great guy.

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